Well, now that we’ve cleared that up… more science!
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There are two kinds of people in the world. Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets, and
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A physics student riding in a train looks up and sees Einstein sitting next to him. He asks, “Excuse
me, professor. Does Boston stop at this train?”
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What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber?
Nothing. You can’t cross a vector with a scalar.
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A – “I used to think correlation implied causation.
Then I took a statistics class. Now I don’t.”
B – “Sounds like the class helped.”
A – “Well, maybe.”
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A physicist, a mathematician and an engineer were each asked to establish the volume of a red
rubber ball. The physicist immersed the ball in a beaker full of water and measured the volume of
the displaced fluid. The mathematician measured the diameter and calculated the volume as a triple
integral. The engineer found the spec sheet for the ball on the vendor’s web site.
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A physicist, a mathematician and an engineer stay in a hotel. During the night, the engineer is
awakened by a smell and gets up to check it. He finds a fire in the hallway, sees a nearby fire
extinguisher and after extinguishing it, goes back to bed.
Later that night, the physicist gets up, again because of the smell of fire. He quickly gets up and sees
the fire in the hallway. After calculating air pressure, flame temperature and humidity as well as
distance to the fire and projected trajectory, he extinguishes the fire with the least amount of fluid.
At last, the mathematician awakes, only again to find a fire in the hallway. He instantly sees the
extinguisher and thinks, “A solution exists!” and heads back into his room.
Another version:
An engineer, a mathematician and a statistician all encounter the same problem -their trashcan is on fire. The engineer puts the fire out with water. The mathematician calculates the EXACT amount of water to put the fire out, precisely measures it in time to put it out at time t. The statistician decides
that the sample size isn’t large enough, so he sets other trash cans on fire to study the problem more.
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A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5
ft. to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 ft. to the right. The statistician yells “We got ’em!”
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A 6′ statistician tried to cross a stream with an average depth of 3′. He drowned.
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A programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.”
The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
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Q. Two kittens are on a sloped roof. Which one slides off first?
A. The one with the lowest mew.
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The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
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A programmer goes to take a shower. He has a new shampoo, so he reads the directions on the side of the bottle. He’s never seen again.
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An astronomer, a physicist and a mathematician are on a train in Scotland. The astronomer looks out of the window, sees a black sheep standing in a field, and remarks, “How odd. All the sheep in Scotland are black!” “No, no, no!” says the physicist. “Only some Scottish sheep are black.” The mathematician rolls his eyes at his companions’ muddled thinking and says, “In Scotland, there is at least one sheep, at least one side of which appears to be black from here some of the time.”
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An electron and a positron walk into a bar. There were no survivors.
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Someone told me I was average. I said, “That’s just mean”.
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the optimist looks at the glass and determines that it’s half full
the pessimist looks at the glass and determines that it’s half empty
the engineer looks at the glass and determines that it’s twice as big as it needs to be
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Sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium
Sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium Batman!
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You can always tell when you’re in a chemistry major’s apartment.
He has an occasional chair and a periodic table.
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If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate. (Science anti-proverb!)
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Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything.
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What’s the difference between an physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician?
A physicist sees the universe as a model of their mathematical formulas.
An engineer sees their mathematical formulas as models of the universe.
A mathematician sees no connection between the two.
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Werner Heisenberg is driving down the road and gets pulled over by a cop.
“Dr. Heisenberg, do you know why I pulled you over?”
“No, officer.”
“Well, I just clocked you going exactly 100 miles per hour.”
“Oh, thanks for nothing! Now I’m lost.”
Alternate version:
Heisenberg and Schrodinger are driving down the interstate, well over the speed limit. They get
pulled over.
The cop asks, “Do you know how fast you were going, son?”
Heisenberg replies, “No, but I know exactly where I am.”
The cop says, “You were doing 108 miles per hour.”
Heisenberg replies, “Well, now I’m lost!”
The cop is not amused and decides to search the car. When he gets to the trunk, he asks, “Did you
know you’ve got a dead cat in your trunk?”
Schrodinger says, “Well, I do now…”
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Google “Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle” and
“Scrodinger’s cat” if you feel the need.