So, why can’t we reverse the stages of the shidduch process,
having people speed-date to select for compatible
personalities/”chemistry”, and only then doing research to
decide whether to pursue the shudduch with normal dating,
rendering the entire shidduch system more efficient?
Well, here’s why. Now, even if you personally disagree
with everything in the excerpt below, you must concede that
this is the accepted hashkafah in the community.
Excerpted from “The Kuntris” (Torah magazine)
Volume 1, Issue 13 February/Adar Aleph 2014:
“The Da’as Torah Files – The Shidduch Disaster”
(The piece begins on page 40 – excerpt is from pg. 44-45.
The writer is Nosson Sternbach, but he notes that the ideas
originate from the Shabbos table of Rabbi Gershon Ribner.)
A Googling of R’ Gershon revealed that he is a talmid of
Rav Aaron Shechter of Chaim Berlin, an eidem of Rav
Schneur Kotler ztz”l, and Rosh Yeshiva of Nesivos
HaTorah (on Staten Island).
The premise of the article: A boy arrives for a shidduch,
and the father realizes that all his information was about
another boy (with the same name). What should he do?
Answer: Inform him of the mistake and send him off
(politely, delicately and with sympathy, of course).
Short version: It is not tzniusdig
for a boy and girl to meet without some level of
expectation that this can lead to marriage.
Speed-dating will definitely involve meeting
numerous people of the opposite gender who are not
compatible with you and is therefore unacceptable.
Also, a positive first impression may override research
for those personally involved - the boy and girl.
“The fundamental difference between dating in the Torah
community and the rest of the world is our insistence that
all matches must be set up through a system of referrals,
aka a shadchan. Secular culture feels that there is nothing
wrong with a boy and girl meeting on their own to determine
their compatibility; in fact such intermingling is encouraged.
Many fences have been built by the Torah world to separate
us from that depraved culture. One of those fences is the
absolute insistence on a shadchan.
…
[O]ne must understand the Torah’s perspective on dating.
Any contact with the opposite gender is considered a
“danger zone.” However, in the context of searching for
one’s zivug, such meetings are encouraged and considered
a holy act.
Note: I think I should "call 'shortzoah' " here.
This is pretty obviously not found in any classic
sources, which date from the period - namely, until recent
times - when young people did not meet to "determine their
compatibility" for marriage AT ALL. Talk about it later?
Yet, there is a fine line between “kosher” dating and
immoral mingling.
In America we are so immersed in pritzus
that it is hard to appreciate any form of sensitivity in
this matter. Our barometer of what is and is not
tznius is so corrupted that any attempt
at introducing an element of modesty in our community
is viewed as extreme and abnormal.
…
In the Torah world, boys and girls do not meet haphazardly
and arbitrarily in the hopes that two people might “click”.
Rather, we set up a system of referrals to ensure that if two
people meet, there is a reasonable chance that this shidduch
is appropriate. Only in such a context do we encourage the
opposite genders to interact with one another.
…
It is a scientifically proven fact that we form most of our
judgments of a person during the first few interactions
that we have with them. Somebody with an engaging
and charming personality can easily distort their date’s
judgment of them. All later research […] will be swept
aside and only the positive qualities will be remembered.”
Note: This is about the scenario of a
full date with a random person, not a speed-dating
encounter. That might make a difference.
__________________
That’s that. Additionally, I’m sure many would say
that people would not be given enough of a chance
by such a system, and would be rejected too quickly.
Additionally, people would not be motivated to travel
long distances just to speed-date, so if the entire system
changed, many shidduchim would be pre-empted.