Reply To: Wife’s Minhagim

Oh, here’s a little glimpse at something related… not exact because this deals with Pesach minhagim and the husband is already observant, but it speaks to considering the wife and children in terms of the minhagim…

From *Chumros and Minhagim on Pesach* by Rabbi Yakov Horowitz

“My husband feels that minhagim (customs) are very important. I agree that they are. But I don’t feel that they are worth engendering the resentment of our children.

Shoshana

Rabbi Horowitz Responds

Shoshana:

I am with you on this one. While minhagim (customs) are an integral component of our mesorah (tradition) and Pesach, in particular, is a time of year where family minhagim play such an important role in determining our practices, I would not recommend maintain in totality a minhag that is “engendering the resentment of your children.”

This is not to say that your family should abandon this particular custom entirely. There are a number of ways to perpetuate this minhag, which is, after all, a time-honored tradition in many kehilos. One approach would be for your husband to refrain from eating commercial products throughout Yom Tov, while graciously and cheerfully allowing his wife and children to do so. This way, several clear messages are simultaneous being transmitted to your children. Firstly, the importance of tradition in your Yom Tov practice and your husband’s willingness to exhibit a level of misirus nefesh (self-sacrifice) to adhere to family minhagim. At the same time, he will be conveying to his children a very important point – that he cares about their comfort (and yours) and is willing to make allowances for them. As your children grow older, don’t be surprised if one or more of them voluntarily assume this minhag, especially when they marry and establish their own families.

Another way to go may be to have the entire family assume this minhag for a limited period of time, say for the first day or two of Yom Tov. During that time, your family would refrain from eating commercial foods or ‘eating out’ as an observance of this family minhag. I think this would accomplish your objective of adhering to your customs without excessively burdening your children.”