Hey, Lenny. I read your story and I empathize with you. I see that you’re a committed person. You might want to explore what makes you so committed to your wife. Do you love her? Are you very attached to her? Can you simply not imagine life without her? The answer may be all, both, or none. No matter what it is, I’m sure you want the best for her, and you want her to be happy. Now jump into her shoes. And no, I’m not going to say that you should divorce your wife because you love her. But try seeing this from her point of view, for a second. Why does she want to get divorced? Has it become too hard for her to merge your two very conflicting lifestyles into one marriage and home? Does she feel unhappy? Does she feel that you don’t love her? What’s preventing her from going to counseling? Is this post too long to be moderated? Can you fix any of the things that are bothering her? It may be too late, if those things have been bothering her for 27 years and nothing was done, even if she didn’t tell you that something was bothering her. I don’t know you, so I can’t tell you if it’s too late. Only you and your wife can say. Right now it looks like your wife isn’t interested in reconciliation. She wants a divorce. You want a marriage. And although (again, I don’t know you, so I’m not saying anything for sure) marriage, in a non-abusive case, is usually the way to go, it’s hard work. It sounds like she’s not up for that.
So where will you go from here? You have two options right now: Divorce or Don’t. Divorcing will leave both of you (yes, your wife too) lonely and searching for a new identity to replace the long-held one of “husband” or “wife.” It’s hard. Don’t, in most cases, leads to either reconciliation- which is not going to happen if your wife isn’t interested, since the same way one partner cannot unilaterally walk out of a marriage, one cannot unilaterally stay in a relationship- or it could lead to the following situation: Both of you will be lonely and searching for a new identity (sound familiar?). Alternatively, you’ll keep the “husband” label, and your wife will shed the “wife” label and change to “agunah.”
Obviously, I’m just guessing at what would happen since- again- I don’t know you. But ask yourself: What do I want? What do I need? What does she want? What does she need? What’s a good, practical solution so that we can peacefully move forward?
One more thing: As a fan of working it out through counseling, have you gone for therapy yourself?
Good Luck and may Hashem give you the wisdom and strength to make the right decision.
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