LAmother,
Are you aware that you brought out some of my points.
“If a couple mainstreams themselves” (doesn’t wanna only live near other BTs). Sure. I personally think that is best. But not all frum communities are welcoming. Some require rigid conformity, which may be difficult to BTs accustomed to certain freedoms.
“Helpful if we don’t live super near our extended and super-secular family.” That was another point I made, albeit indirectly. Many BTs lack the presence of spirituality and normality within frum families. Of course, there are many dysfunctional frum families (BTs may have the advantage of less enmeshment). Nevertheless, BTs are more vulnerable to the outside world because of secular family.
Think — much of Jewish life is centered around family events — weddings, bar mitzvahs, brissim, etc. Frum Jews are constantly attending relatives’ simchas. Where does that leave the BT? Or his/her children? They already sense the difference between themselves & FFBs.
I do not generalize about BTs. There are many fine ones who have produced, B”H, wonderfully frum children. But I still think they are at greater risk for OTD, given the dynamics described above.