I think the issue here is that #5 is not worded well. Much of the argument that has come up has arisen because of this wording. Obviously, it is impossible for a man to assess after one date whether or not he thinks the woman is “amazing”. So how does he decide whether or not to see her again? (After several dates, he might think she’s amazing- but the issue is how to get there.) However, replace “amazing” with “good middot” (which is how most of the posters here seem to have interpreted it) and now it works. Clearly, middot come first, and I would be shocked if anyone here thought otherwise. And, as The Wolf said, a man marries a woman, not a father-in-law. It’s certainly very important to build a good relationship with the woman’s father, but he should not be cross-examined as a precursor to deciding whether or not to date or marry her.
I am not in the shidduch world, but if I were, it seems I would have a problem. Since everyone is so worried about the woman’s father being a talmid chacham, baal tzedakah, etc. how would I find a shidduch, being that my father is deceased? (And even if he were living, he was a baal teshuvah and a college professor of modest means, so he would lose on both counts! Of course, he learned and gave tzedakah while he was alive, but if it were a contest of who learns the most or gives the most tzedakah, he would not win for the reasons stated above.) But does any of this really reflect so badly on me? I don’t think so.
Despite what some of you may think of me based on my modern opinions, I will humbly submit that I believe I am basically a good person and a good Jew. Of course, I have my faults, as does everyone, but at the core I do everything I do in life for the sake of serving Hashem, and isn’t that what really matters? Do you think it would be fair for someone to turn me down as a potential shidduch just because my father is no longer alive, or because he was not the biggest Talmid Chochom around?
I actually believe that I have become a stronger person because of the ordeal that Hashem put me through as a child (I was ten when my father was diagnosed with cancer and twelve when he died.) I take life more seriously now and am more contemplative rather than just “going with the flow”. I also have more sensitivity to others’ feelings and more faith in Hashem. My deeply rooted belief in and love of Hashem developed during those two horrific years, as I saw that my family and I endured despite the fact that we seemed on the brink of collapse. I was so young, I didn’t yet have the inner reserves of strength that my mother seemed to draw on, so how did I possibly make it through the hell that became my life? Even more so, how did my brother, who is 5 1/2 years younger than I am, get through it? Only with Hashem’s help (and, of course, as I later realized, it was He who guided my mother through the experiences that gave her those reserves of strength which He knew she would later need!) So of course I would do anything to have my father back in my life, but since I have to accept that he is gone, I also recognize that losing him helped me to grow as a person, and I have noticed that it is sometimes difficult for me to relate to girls my age because, having gone through this test, I have come out of it a different person with different priorities. It’s not c’v that I think I’m better than they are; it’s just that we are coming from very different places. I was forced to grow up a lot quicker than is normal since I had an adult experience as a child. It just puts me on a different playing field than everyone else- I matured early, so I might stand out in that regard compared to other girls my age. The point of all this is that, if I’m not mistaken, maturity should also be something that a man looks for in a wife, as well as ahavat shamayim, yirat shamayim and deep emunah. As I described above, I believe that I have these qualities as a direct result of my father’s death. So if you look at it this way, a man might reject me without realizing that I should be at the top of his list!
I don’t know how any of this is coming across and I really did not mean to make this about me, it’s just that the subject touches a raw nerve. I’m sorry to have gone on for so long about something so personal, and I hope no one is offended in any way by this. I just think that there is something seriously wrong with the shidduch scene if it’s more important to ask who the girl’s father is than who she is.