I think that there are certain issues that are very much shayach and some that are not. In the case of the shtreimel, if that is a real fundamental deal-breaker (“I shouldn’t bother”) then clearly this is not a shidduch to redd, because it will hurt both parties, when it inevitably does not yield success. But if it is something most people would consider to be inconsequential (like hair color, neighborhood that the boy or girl comes from), whether they use paper bags or plastic, then it should not be dismissed out of hand. Making a shidduch is VERY hard to do. it’s not, “Here’s a boy, here’s a girl, here’s the shidduch!” Similar hashkafa, background, interests, and goals, (note I am not saying identical), ARE important. No matter what we would like to think, attraction IS important initially, but there also must be more behind that attraction, which can sustain the relationship later on. There are too many young people getting divorced these days.
I only recently heard of the concept of a “Shtar mechilah” from the one who has had the engagement broken by the other party. I never knew such a thing existed. How sad, that making a shidduch has become SUCH a business-like thing, that if the engagement falls through, the injured party must send a written document that he or she forgives the other for doing them the favor of not bringing them into a marriage that was bound to fail. I hear of broken engagements all the time now. There was a time when it rarely happened. Then again, people were not getting divorced within the first six months, so readily, either. They worked on the marriage. Now it seems like there is no real vested interest in doing so. It’s very sad. But it also underscores what a tremendous achrayus it is to make a shidduch. It should not be looked upon lightly.