ok, i’m being 100% honest now (as always) when i say that i need chizuk. i want to daven so badly, i just can’t. or maybe i won’t? i’m not sure. it’s just that things have been really hard the last few weeks and i feel like a piece of chametz.
moish, congratulations! You’ve already taken the first step toward your goal. You want to daven. Your desire to daven is what’s going to help you actually do it.
It’s possible that when you say the words in the siddur, although I know that you do understand what you’re saying, it isn’t meaningful to you. moish, you can talk to god anytime of day or night. He always wants to hear from you, no matter what you’re doing. It doesn’t have to be words from a siddur, it doesn’t have to be regarding something catastrophic. If it has to do with you, I give you my word, He wants to hear about it. Even if it’s, “Hashem, I can’t find my cell phone, could You help me find it?” or, “Hashem, I hate when my mother….” anything, anything, anything goes. He wants to have a relationship with you and relationships do begin with regular communication, even about the most mundane things. (disclaimer: Males are required to pray with a quorum of ten men three times a day.)
When anshei knesses hagedolah made up the tefillos they had you in mind, you and every single struggle and challenge that you’ve ever been through or will ever go through. You were taken into consideration and therefore all of davening is yours. There is no such thing as “it doesn’t apply to me.” It was made up for you!
and then they say i’m the bad guy. i’m the one who’s suffering because of it all – not them. i doubt they’ve improved since i stopped hanging out with them every night.
One man cannot change the whole world, but one man’s change can change the whole world. Improving your friends is not your goal right now. You need to worry about your own self.
I do think, though, that friends are very, very important. I really hope you haven’t become totally antisocial.
I was really very touched by your post, moish. I pray that you will be successful with this and with everything in your life.
~a~