Me: If that’s the biggest problem in your teen’s life, then you’re doing fine.
Joseph: You don’t mean to say that one should ignore their biggest chasoron, even if this is what it is, do you?
Actually, that just might be the best course.
Let’s face it Joseph, no kid is perfect. Every kid has some chisaron, however small — right? Are you suggesting that we should always be nitpicking our kids over some detail? IMHO, constantly criticizing a child is probably the best way to lose them.
I’ve always believed that the key to good parenting is to know which battles to fight and which to simply let go and say that they aren’t worth the effort. If you fight a battle* over every issue, then the child does not learn to distinguish between what is truly important and what is simply preferred behavior. They quickly pick up on the attitude that they can never be good enough because there is always some issue that their parent is trying correct and even if they do correct one, the parent will just go to the next “fault” on the list.
Furthermore, it sounds like the OP’s son is a teen. Teens need to find their own way in life. While a parent can make suggestions, a teen will quickly resent it if something is enforced from “on high.” Some things (such as school attendance, for example) may need to be enforced anyway – but others should probably not be pushed.
I don’t know the OP or his son, but I would make the following general comments and advice:
1. As I said earlier, if this is your son’s biggest problem, then you’re doing fine. If he’s otherwise learning, not doing drugs or getting in trouble, well-adjusted and friendly, happy and keeping the mitzvos, then you’re well ahead of the game.
2. If wearing a hat and jacket is that important to you, then your best bet at this juncture in life is to influence him by doing. I read a quote in the book “Off the Derech” that always stayed with me. The author (Faranak Mangalese) quoted someone (whom I don’t remember off the top of my head) as saying that many parents don’t realize that as their kids turn into teens, their job (vis a vis keeping the mitzvos [and influencing behavior in general]) has changed from management to sales. When your kids are teens, you can’t force your behavior on them (and, one could argue, if you have to do so, then you’ve already lost the battle). Far better to let your son see, by example, how important the idea of wearing a hat and jacket are to you. By him seeing how important it is to you, you have the best shot of influencing his behavior at this point in his life.
3. Ask yourself this question: If, for whatever reason, he decided to eschew wearing a hat/jacket for good, but otherwise was a fine person who kept the mitzvos, would it be so terrible? Twenty years hence, would you view your parenting job as a “failure” if that was the result? I’m going to assume the answer to that question is no. If so, then learn to focus on what is *truly* important for you to consider your parenting job a success. Meanwhile, refer back to what I said in the last point about how to positively influence him.
The Wolf
* By battle, I don’t mean an actual fight even necessarily mean a heated argument. I mean exerting parental influence to change behavior.