Hey, c.s.
So I’m 20 and single too. It’s sad that at 20 we feel this pressure that if we’re not engaged now, we’re never getting married.
Obviously, when thinking out this from a logical perspective, there is still hope for us to get married (lol). I mean we’re only 20 years old, for heaven’s sake! But at the same time, this shidduch crisis stuff is being shoved down our throats and we have to read about it in all the frum newspapers, magazines, and websites and (at least for me) spend some time commiserating with friends about fears of spinsterhood (chas v’shalom). (haha sorry about the run-on sentence to all you grammar noticers out there)
I mean personally, when it comes down to it, I realize that no matter how you look at it, 20 is NOT OLD and is in no way a time to start despairing (well no time is really a good time to start despairing ;-))
In terms of your mom’s slightly warped perspective, as others have mentioned, a lot of moms get kind of weird when it comes to shidduchim. Deep down they want what’s best for us, but their personal fears can get in the way of that real goal.
For example, I know a girl with a pretty crazy family situation where shidduchim were not being redt to her, period. She finally got a date with a guy who had serious issues. After the first date, she was totally not into it, but her mom kept encouraging her to go out with him more and she went out with him twice more even though she knew it wasn’t for her. That’s because to her mom, her daughter getting married would be a huge relief, a problem out of the way. Because her mother was so obsessed with the family situation and the urgency of getting her daughter married, she was blinded to the importance of looking out for her daughter’s best interests.
At the same time, though, you mentioned that you are going out with “outcasts.” Just because according to our scrutinizing society someone is considered an “outcast” – due to family circumstances, etc, doesn’t mean that he isn’t a great person. Take my friend for instance, she doesn’t get set up because of her family situation, but she’s a phenomenal person. It’s important to look past society’s views and try to see the person for who they are.
Anyways, other people have mentioned this but I’ll say it too. I think it’s so important to have a teacher/mentor to be able to speak to about all this stuff – someone who you can also discuss issues you’re having with your mom, etc. It’s important to have someone who is looking out for your best interests totally and is not so emotionally involved (like your mom). I have a teacher who I discuss dates with because she’s more objective than my mom is.
Good luck with everything and I hope that you find your bashert b’shaa tovah u’mutzlachas!