When I redt a shidduch i am very careful to ask “What is your son/daughter looking for”? When i hear the person veer off again into her or his wants for their child I say that’s admirable and understandable but our children are not necessarily carbon copies of us so what are they looking for?
Parents who ignore who their child truly is and ignore’s their needs and wants, will only waste their child’s and the other prospects time and energy on unsuccessful meetings and dates. They will postpone their child’s wedding and will cause tremendous friction and frustration in their relationship with their child and stress in their lives and in their child’s life.
In addition it is a tremendous responsibility to assume. If we think we have the right to decide or choose who our children should marry and they are not happy or they end up c”v in divorce are we prepared to handle the guilt and be accountable for that outcome? Personally I am not. When children are old enough to get married and handle the relationship of marriage, they are old enough and should be trusted enough to know and understand what is important to them in a spouse and what they are attracted to.
If a boy is foolish enough to want only a skinny anorexic size 2 girl and the parents keep choosing hefty young ladies for him, he will be stuck going out with them but will never agree to marry them. If parents want their daughter to only marry a learning boy and those are the only boys that ring her bell, she will go out with them but will never agree to marry them no matter how much the parents push. If a young woman wants only a college grad and the parents choose a boy from a wealthy family that works for this parents, it just won’t work because that girl is probably looking for a more intelligent, well educated and well rounded young man, not just someone who can make a living.
So please understand it is not a matter of kibud av-v’em. It is a matter of life and a successful future. We are literally holding our children’s future lives in our hands and we can’t take that lightly. They are not pawns on a chessboard that can just be maneuvered around or placed in the right hole, or told what to do. They have brains and hearts, needs and feelings and they have to be heard and validated.
Hopefully parents have spent enough time raising children and being a good role model for them, have given them the proper chinuch, the basics of right and wrong and good strong jewish education. Hopefully if parents are involved in their children’s shidduchim there is a sense of trust and reason as well as communication between them. So at this point in their road to adulthood and maturity it is time for parents to listen to understand.