Wolf – I could have written your post almost verbatim. There have been so many times when I have felt like my family does not fit into any religious “mold.” We are not Yeshivish, but neither are we so very “modern,” either. We are comfortable at all types of simchas, including the one you described, yet I would only want Jewish music at my own simchas (and yes, I listen to secular music). Even your description of your wife covering her hair, is exactly how I feel. I do it because I feel it is right, not because of societal pressure, and not because it is a fashion to do so.
But it is also very hard being that person in that spiritual place, because you can catch a lot of flak from people who expect you to be a certain way because you appear that way at times, (i.e. expect you to have separate seating, when you are perfectly comfortable with mixed), and don’t “get” where you are religiously speaking.
Interesting that a thread about minhagim brought this point out.