I understand what you are saying and I will share something with you. I had to make a decision many years ago. I lost a parent in 1992. I was not my other parent’s favorite as a child nor growing up and I did harbor resentment because every child needs to be loved and needs to feel that their parents love them the same and no different than their siblings. Every child needs to feel they are being treated the same and not different than their siblings.
At any rate as my parent got older and needed more care and attention I felt that her children should share in the responsibilities and the “favorite” child who is also the oldest child should take most of the responsibility. But the favored is also the spoiled child and the good deeds my parent bestowed on the favored child were not reciprocated. The favored child did not feel the need to go out of the way or be inconvenienced in any way to assist, care for or accompany my parent and wound up hurting and insulting to boot. After not too long a time I just realized I had to put the past behind me forgive and give my parent the attention and care that was necessary and forget about sharing and being fair.
I have for the past several years been the primary care giver and have taken most of the responsibility on myself while my other two siblings go off to work without a second thought. I took on the responsibility for my parent and a sibling of my parent and I know that I am doing the right thing. Nuch 120 I won’t have the should have’s or could have’s I will know that I did! Although when my parent chooses to complain or vent, it is not easy to listen and I know that when my sibling is subjected to the same the choice is usually to hang up and say someone is on the other line, I too understand the importance of kibud av v’em, but i do not allow myself to be abused in any way. IF it gets to be too much I keep my distance. IF my parent crosses the line in any way I take a break until I get a call with an apology or a call as if nothing happened so we are back on an even keel. I tell my parent I love you all the time and it is reciprocated. I will never have regrets that I didn’t say it, and I say it to my children and grandchildren every chance I get.
What is my point? I could have held on to the pain and resentment. I could have said my parent deserves whatever my siblings do. But I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t do that to my live parent and I couldn’t do that to my parent that passed on. What have I gained from my choice? A new relationship with my parent and some amazing role modeling for my children and grandchildren.
I am sure that our two situations are very different and we are probably at different stages in our lives. I am in the sandwich generation taking care of a parent who is b”ah 90, a husband, children and grandchildren b”h. But you might learn something from what I have already learned. Kibud Av v’em will apply not only now but in the future when your parents will really need you. Try to find your balance. It might be a good idea to speak to a professional to understand just how far your obligations go at this point and if it needs to go further than a couple of phone calls and letters, keeping yourself out of harms way. You need to be careful not to build resentment to a point that you won’t be able to fulfill your obligations to your mother when she will really need you. Hatzlocha Rabbah.