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I don’t know if you should think this is a big sign from heaven, or work so hard to understand what it all means…It is not such a mystery-it’s soooo normal- i am not an expert, and it would be good to seek help, but i think distraction, and overdosing a bit on ‘be good’ actions/books/shiurim/ is what you should focus on. You will automatically think about him-and it is painful-but if you are prepared, then you will have tools to deal with the difficult moments. I know everybody here is rooting for you, we will stay with you through this time. Everybody is talking about how Mashiach is coming any minute, won’t it be great to meet him knowing that you overcame such a big nisayon.