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I know the source of the feelings. Its a combination of my personality and “type”, and feeling like I haven’t accomplished too much. And just feeling in general like a bit of an idiot who wants and tries but does nothing and just makes things more complicated…
I have also seen very clear Hashgacha in certain things so I know Hashem doesn’t hate me (if He did why would He bother?) but maybe hates me for what I’m doing. Its not one specific thing but like I said being a certain “type” and doing certain things and not doing others as a result.
Thanks to everyone who responded. You were a bigger help than you could know. Like I said earlier I rarely get like this but a few things happened all together and…
Toi, welcome to the CR.