Alwaysruns…
Im going to keep it brief please forgive that.
Firstly you have to realize that most BT’s stick out and it takes them a very long time to properly integrate. That is in a non chassidish circle. In chassidish circles its much harder because chassidim are very clicks in a way that is each chassidus has an “us vs them attitude” “we are stamar” “they are bobov….”
Chassidim are harder to integrate with because you also have to learn the language. If you don’t look and sound 100% chassidish you stand out. Its the same way that an American stands out in Eretz Yisroel. Israelis can sniff us out from a mile away even before we attempt to mangle the Hebrew language…:-)
Honestly, if you want to fit in, you have to play by their rules. It goes that way with any society and group. Nonconformists stand out…
Another point is, just because you are a BT doesn’t mean you have to dump your past. There are many BT’s who have used their past to better Jewish life like Rabbis and teachers who have advanced degrees in education and other areas…
If you like art and have a talent for painting pursue that. Hashem gave us talents to use to reach our potential and to find happiness and fulfillment in life. Every skill can be used in a positive way in a Kosher way.
Personally, I think what’s most important for a person to be healthy is to seek self actualization by pursuing that which makes them happy and that which they have a passion for. Stop living to please others. They arent worth it. Your emotional health is most important for yourself your husband and your kids. Trust me, you will be miserable if your focus on pleasing other people. People will respect you for living a life that’s true to yourself regardless of what others think. It takes courage to be that way, but it takes courage to be a BT so tap into that courage and use that for finding fulfillment in actualizing your abilities.