That’s very dissapointing. I really admire you for accepting the psak without looking for loopholes. You’re right, there are many “no’s” in the frum world. But you know what? I used to think that too. Until I finally (sadly) tried not to obey and do some stuff that were “no’s”. Guess where it got me? Depression, anxiety, loneliness, fear and confusion, that’s where. I know it’s easier said than done, especially now when you feel like you really want to do something. But remember, Hashem knows and sees how difficult it is for you and will reward you accordingly. Tell Him that it’s your private korban to Him. Ask that in the zechus of doing what’s right He should give you _____________(fill in the blank).
Hatzchala Rabba in everthing you do.
(And I’ll daven for you, as I promised:))