“It’s hard, and i’m kinda just fed up with fighting and in the struggle i’m coming across all sorts of questions which i never did have in earlier years “
so go ask someone. i would have had a thread about what you just said BUT MOD 80 deleted the submission because he felt I was bashing rabbonim…which i wasnt…
you obviously dont know the answer to your questions or you wouldnt be bothered by them anymore. you can try and find the answers on your own but youre already biased by your own desires. so go ask someone. if youre in high school, ask your rebbi or rosh yeshiva (depending on who you made a kesher with) if youre in beis medrash, ask a shoel umashiv, rebbi, or rosh yeshiva. (again depending on who you made a kesher with) if youre out of beis medrash then ask YOUR rav. if youre out of HS and beis medrash you should already have a rav with whom you feel comfortable discussing anything and everything. if not…aseh l’cha rav 🙂
you gain nothing by harbouring questions within your heart…i know people who are off the derech today because they held their questions in for so long taht they became unanswerable. years later they wander into a kiruv place, mention their “big problem with judaism) and get a REALLY simple answer in return…and boom. inner conflict. because the question was so big, the answer was so small…and theyre already used to life as it is. seriously…if you have questions about self identity, religious identity, emuna, hashkafa, yahadus etc…go ask someone.
as for the beauty in yahadus…in my opinion that is something that can only be experienced individually..not shown. you can be invited to every rav’s house for shabbos, attend every tish or hachnassas sefer torah, but unless you come up with your own understanding and appreciation for it…it all rolls off you like water off a ducks back. you get appreciation for yahadus, like i said earlier, by living. thats not to say that others cant facilitate your appreciation…but it cant be “given” it must be experienced. (IMO)