Kshmo
I don’t think I answered your question adequately. There were signs before I got married. Big red flags. I ignored them. I don’t know if it’s possible to see the signs always. The women that I know who have issues in their marriages saw issues beforehand: potential in- laws who were way too involved in their sons life, religious differences that already bothered the woman beforehand, a show of lack of middos.
I saw kindness and good qualities in my husband, and still do (he’s a wonderful father, tries to be economically responsible (very hard worker), has a great sense of humor, I was attracted to him (personality and appearance).
I didn’t feel great about myself at that point in time, and didn’t stand up for the things I wanted. If you don’t stand up for yourself before, it will be much more difficult to do so later. Be clear about what’s important to you, what you should be willing to give up on versus what’s really crucial to a union. What things you can accept in a person you’re going on a “date” with versus what things you can or cannot accept in the long term. You can accept a lot more during an evening out with a person than you can for a lifetime. Be clear on priorities.