You are SO not alone. This time of year is especially hard for me, as my dad O”H davened for the omud for the Y”N, and he died a month after he was a shaliach tzibur for the last time. I truly understand how sad this time can be.
Aries, your mother’s neshama should have an aliyah. I feel for you.
May we all be zochim to see Moshiach come, and be reunited with our loved ones who passed away.