Hi cleverjewishpun. You sound like an awesome, awesome person who has a great deal of emotion and intelligence.
Towards the end of reading your link, through misty eyes, I was encouraged to read that when you were asked by someone if you want to be frum again and you said, “”I want to one day want to be frum”. And I believe that you will. And I pray that you will.
You are a victim of a circumstance that are totally understandable. I had a similar situation, and questioned all the things I was doing religiously, as they only reminded me of when I was sharing those things with someone, and now we, too, are not together. It only brought pain; at times, unbearable. Look, we are capable of deep feelings. That is how we are made. Our deep feelings should be for joy, but that is not always the case.
I dont remember the lesson it was ascribed to, but a wonderful rebbe I was learning with taught the thought, “Hashem created us so that in time, we dont feel sadness/pain with the same level of intensity.” I held on to that thought during a time like what you spoke about, and eventually it affected my emotions, thank heaven. Sometimes we have to soldier on to get to the next place in our lives. By the way, it seems like you are doing that already by the very nature of your post, here.
You want to be frum one day. You said it and I believe it came from the bottom of who you really are. Dont let that, albeit meaningful, but painful situation take up the entire space of the precious life you were given. It may seem hard at first, but it takes work to stay in pain as much as it does to put effort into rebuilding. Choose life! (and you are)
Hatzlacha, my friend! The world needs someone like you!!