Listen, it is me.
I wanted so badly to believe after coming back the second time.
But I realized little by little that I just don’t belong. First of all, I want to stay alone in life. A family and community oriented set of beliefs is just not for me. In the real world, I am single. Means the same as my height. I’m not 6’9″ so I can’t play basketball, and I’m not married so there are events that I wouldn’t be invited to – so what? On the other hand there are many things I can do just because I am not burdened by a wife and family.
In the frum world, I am nebach half a person, which is just not the way it really is. According to biology, I am a whole person with control over my decision to mate or reproduce as I see fit. I choose to remain alone because that is how I feel happiest. Others feel otherwise and I understand why they do.
When you start realizing you have no place, you start reading and researching, especially when you were always taught to question and debate. And that is where my reading led me, to a realization that as much as I would like it to be true, Torah just doesn’t hold water for me.
So, I leave in peace. When I left the first time it was because of run-ins with a corrupt and criminal individual who had and sadly still has an important position. Had he never interfered in my life (and believe me I was not involved with him but went my own way), I would not have left in anger the first time but rather faded out as I am doing now. This time, I have not one bad word to say about 99% of the people I met over the past four years, but something just doesn’t make sense to me and who I really am just doesn’t belong in the frum world.
Therefore, I must move on and must live according to reason, rationality and pure fact. I will never answer every question I might have, but now I no longer care. I know what I want in life and am pursuing it to the exclusion of these questions.