YitzchokM and others:
IF the rumors I’ve read are true, I do NOT believe that there is any mikor in our holy Torah for these practices, and therefore these “chumros” are misguided and wrong and there is NO basis to say “that’s their mesorah and it’s okay”. Far from it, in fact.
It is absolutely not okay to condone those “chumros” AT ALL (forget “gold” or any other “standard”) IF those “chumros” are against the Torah, which it seems quite clear that they are against the Torah.
Regarding Kadesh Atzmicha BiMutar Lach and Al Tarbeh Sichah Im HaIshah as regarding one’s wife, any chumrah in these areas affects the wife, and could be extremely detrimental to the wife. So an ultra-competent and unbiased Rav MUST be consulted before taking on any hanhagos that can potentially cause such great and life-long harm to anyone, CH”V.
Particularly regarding speaking to one’s wife: a major part of the connection between a husband and wife is the day-to-day communication between husband and wife EVEN, AND ESPECIALLY (to an appropriate extent), “small-talk”. In fact, the retellling after 120 years of “afilu sicha kallah sheBein Ish LiIshto” is a POSITIVE, in that it is a ZECHUS for the husband to speak to his wife and give her the emotional satisfaction she needs by doing so. There is obviously a proper balance, and each woman will have a different personal level of need, as well. But, again, “Aseh Licha Rav” – if you have a question, ask an UNBIASED and ULTRA-COMPETENT Rav. But don’t be improperly machmir, especially when it’s at someone else’s expense. This goes for “Kadesh Atzmicha BiMuttar Lach” as well.
Our Torah’s ways are Darchei Noam, not Darcei Tzaar, CH”V. It behooves all to be sure they conduct themselves, particularly for matters of bein adam laChaveiro and **Kal SheKein for devarim sheBein Ish LiIshto**, within the bounds of halacha, and biDrarchei Noam. Our DEAR and HOLY brothers and sisters deserve nothing less.
Finally, even if those “chumros” MIGHT have been **thought** to have been somehow within the Torah’s guidelines, AND ONLY FOR A **SELECT** FEW, that was ONLY at some earlier point in history. But given the massive changes that have occurred since then, once again, it seems absolutely impossible to halachicly condone any of this today for ANYONE AT ALL.