Shlishi:
Your post was rather irritating to me. I assume you provided accurate translations of the Rambam and the Menoras Hamaor. I could, if I chose, supplment your post with several more references that sound much as these do. The part about your selections is that the context is sorely lacking. I call this a serious, intentional error of omission, which is more in line with aggression, albeit passive.
Missing here is the other side of the story – the obligations a man has to his wife. Let’s try a basic one on for size: ????? ????? ?????? ???? ?????. The respect and affection from a huband to the wife are expected to be substantial. It is in the context of this that the words of the Rambam and the Menoras Hamaor ring not just true and accurate, but applicable. One cannot demand any of the subjugating aspects of marriage of a wife who is treated like garbage. A relationship that contains no trust will NOT permit any of this. The husband that demands this is a tyrant, and deserves the absence of respect he has earned. I do not justify anyone committing acts of disrespect. But I cannot fault a victim or recipient of such treatment by the other spouse for failing or falling short in their respect of the abusive spouse.
I hope that other commenters will ring in with the quotes that describe the Torah demanded environment of the marital relationship where there is mutual respect, love, affection, and the togetherness that lends meaning to the posuk of ???? ???? ???.