I;m sure all you guys are amazing bubby’s and judge every situation really well, but i feel that in a general case, a mil should limit herself to neutral gifts – nosh toys etc…, and not give gifts like paying for summer camp or buying shabbos shoes, which are the parents right to decide on. “
Mrs. Katz, I respect and do understand your position. I probably could not disagree more with you, but clearly you have your reasons for feeling as you do.
I hope you will re-consider your approach, only because though you are correct that certain things are within the purview of parents to do for their own children, there are things parents cannot always provide for whatever reason. When that happens and a grandparent is both willing and able to help out, it is a gesture of love. I don’t believe in spoiling children, but I do not look at Shabbos shoes in that way.
The thing to do is to discuss these things with between the parents and married children, and express your feelings ont he subject, while at the same time understanding that there is always more than one correct way to come to a bottom line. Mutual respect is always important, but in the final analysis, a parent is owed that respect just by virtue of being the parent. Likewise, in-law parents need to be sensitive to express themselves in a non-autocratic manner, and to be helpful in ways that actually help. When it causes Sholom Bayis problems, they need to step back.
BTW, do you feel this way also about in-laws paying their children’s rent or mortgages, food and utility bills? Or is it only for things that directly pertain to their aineklach? I am not saying this with an obnoxious attitude. I want you to think about it. Often the same kids who are feeling intruded upon when the parents want to pay to send the kids to camp or buy nice dresses for a chasunah, are the one who think nothing of having their rent paid for a couple of years, by those parents.