“MorahRach: Let me give you an example; after i had a miscarriage in the very early stages of my pregnancy, I was talking to a friend of mine and she said “Thats so sad! At least you didnt see the baby! I lost my baby in the 8th month and they showed me the lifeless body!” As soon as she said that, I didnt feel upset that she minimized my pain, i just felt so sorry for her and consoled her for the rest of the conversation. “
The other person was out of line. Did she honestly think that twelling you something so awful thatshe suffered, mitigated your own loss? The conversation, which was supposed to be about YOUR pain, suddenly became all about her and HER pain. Very ,very insensitive of her, in my opinion. I knwo someone like that, and she often deflects people’s comments about things that they are going through, to turn the conversation back onto herself. It is selfish and self-centered to do that, NOT comforting. Your friend, should have let you talk, grieve your loss, and told you, “I am here for you. I have known pain, too, and I wish I had the right words to say to make you feel better.” By the way, no one who has suffered a miscarriage (myself included), can possibly know how the person who is going through this herself (and himself, because the father is often overlooked as also suffering terribly)is feeling. My close friend had a miss at the same time as I, and she never got pregnant again. Each pain is a personal tragedy and should not be minimized by ANYONE who wants to one-up them.
“However, a few days later, i was talking to another close friend and she was telling me how bad she felt for me, then i brought up what the other friend said (without mentioning her name) and she started to tell me how its wrong to bring up your own pain when someone is trying to let out their feelings. And as sad as her situation may be, she cant compare pain…
Bottom line, at the end of this conversation i was so confused and hurt i didnt know what to feel! “
Your second friend meant well, IMHO. You say you didn’t know WHAT to feel? There are no hard and fast rules about right or wrong in our feelings. Feelings just ARE. How we deal with those feelings, is the crucial part. I am SO sorry for your loss. I hope you have subsequently had and will continue to have much simcha in your life.