Me: You’re fat and ugly.
Her: Thanks! You’re the first person to notice that I gained weight; I’ve been trying so hard.
Alternatively: Thanks! You’re the first person to treat me normally since (insert terrible thing here).
Alternatively: Thanks! I’m rubber you’re glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you.
Alternatively: Thanks! I let myself eat an ice cream sundae for each person who insults me (hurries off to ice cream store).
Alternatively: