I would immediately eat some bacon. Then I would eat some more bacon. Then ice cream.
My second step would be to find a website called “The Catholic Seminary World” and troll their coffee room. Or maybe “The Madrassa World”.
My third step would be to take my kids out of yeshiva, and enroll them in public school, and use the money I saved to buy more bacon.
My fourth step would be to marry someone 25 years younger than me, and not even care about the shidduch crisis.
My fifth step would be to go OTD and not care about OTD crisis.
My sixth step would be to become a member at HIR. Then I woudld have them convert me conservative so that I could still eat pastrami, chopped liver, and lox and bagels, and so that I could still do all the fun parts. And go to bar-mitzva’s. But I wouldn’t convert my wife, so that we could also have a christmas tree and get presents.
I’m too full to think of more stuff right now.