People are made by God for the purpose of serving Him. Your choices are irrational and contravene logic.
Do yourself a favor and read Aristotle and then the Moreh Nevuchim.
I always had an inner sense of morality, hence I never engaged in ishes-ish, etc. (Smoking, while unhealthy, actually isn’t seen as devinat in frum society; it is unfortunately an activity which many very frum yeshiva guys partake in). I don’t know what the OP’s circumstances are, but he should understand that his choices are heartbreaking for his mom and dad, since he’s rejecting everything they invested lots of time and money towards instilling in him. Some parents would even say kaddish and sit shiva for such a kid.