A Humorous Item

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  • #1172655

    anonymisss
    Participant

    hey, myshadow, we missed you! You haven’t been around for a while. Welcome back!

    ~a~

    #1172656

    squeak
    Participant

    Gee, thanks, kapusta. I did detect the compliment and I appreciate it. My jokes here did not start out that bad – I thought that my first few were pretty good. But they got groans and bad reviews in general, so I tried to live up to those expectations afterwards. It’s not hard to find bad jokes, so it made my “job” easier.

    #1172657

    squeak
    Participant

    ames, your last joke? About the piggy bank? I thought I got it…

    #1172658

    kapusta
    Participant

    squeak, for you 😉

    A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the elderly woman behind the wheel was knitting!

    The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, “PULL OVER!”

    “NO!” the woman yelled back, “Cardigan!”

    🙂

    #1172659

    areivimzehlazeh
    Participant

    moish- is the whole business re: me being married.. having a mom-in-law.. marrying off kids… some sort of joke? Tiz the humor thread after all…

    #1172660

    moish01
    Member

    do i ever go off topic, areivim?

    #1172661

    kapusta
    Participant

    lets not even try it, this is a good thread and lets keep it that way 🙂

    #1172662

    squeak
    Participant

    kapusta, you’re taking the job as seriously as I did 😉

    A man had an accident involving his hand and a circular saw. He rushes to the hospital.

    The doctor examines him and then says, “Good news. We will be able to reattach all of your fingers because you got here so quickly.”

    The man sits up and asks, “Will I be able to play piano after my surgery?”

    The doctor responds with a confident yes.

    “That’s great, doctor”, said the man, “Because I could never play piano before!”

    #1172663

    kapusta
    Participant

    this might be a repeat, but I actually checked through this page and the last one to see if it was on here, didnt find it.

    Two old men are sitting together talking in the park. their wives are sitting on the next bench, talking to each other.

    man 1: you know, last night we went to a great resturant..

    man 2: oh? what was it called?

    1: I dont remember, oh, whats the name of that flower, its red, and has thorns?

    2: you mean a rose?

    1: yes, yes. Rose, what was the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

    🙂

    #1172664

    kapusta
    Participant

    squeak, youre doing better than me 😉

    in case that was a repeat…

    A young woman teacher with obvious liberal tendencies explains to her class of small children that she is an atheist. She asks her class if they are atheists too. Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks.

    There is, however, one exception. A beautiful girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

    “Because I’m not an atheist.”

    Then, asks the teacher, “What are you?”

    “I’m a Christian.”

    The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she is a Christian.

    “Well, I was brought up christian. My mom is a Christian, and my dad is a Christian, so I am a Christian.”

    The teacher is now angry. “That’s no reason,” she says loudly.

    “What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?”

    She paused, and smiled. “Then,” says Lucy, “I’d be an atheist.”

    #1172665

    kapusta
    Participant

    ames good one! 🙂

    #1172668

    kapusta
    Participant

    squeak is this a competition? if it is I think I’m winning… 🙂

    #1172669

    kapusta
    Participant

    I think my posts are dominating this thread…

    A Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air,

    > pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, in Mexico

    > our

    > glasses are so cheap we don’t need to drink from the same glass twice.

    >

    > An Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass

    > into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He

    > says in Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don’t need to

    > drink out of the same glass twice either.

    >

    > The Kentucky boy, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it,

    > throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Mexican

    > and the Iraqi, and catches his glass. He says, in America we have so many

    > illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don’t have to drink with the same

    > ones twice.

    >

    #1172671

    kapusta
    Participant

    By the Ocean

    A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them.

    Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs, and debated calling the cops, but since they didn’t know

    for sure they just continued to watch her.

    After a couple of weeks the wife said, “Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?”

    He hadn’t and said so. Then she said, “Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she’s really doing.”

    Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.

    “Well, Is she selling drugs?” she asked excitedly.

    “No, she’s not,” he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

    “Well, What is it, then? What does she do?” his wife fairly shrieked.

    The man grinned and said, “She’s a battery salesperson.”

    Batteries?” cried the wife. “Yes,” he replied. She sells C cells by the sea shore.

    I know, I know, not my best 🙂

    #1172673

    squeak
    Participant

    Knock, knock

    #1172674

    anonymisss
    Participant

    who’s there?

    ~a~

    #1172675

    moish01
    Member

    who’s there?

    #1172676

    anonymisss
    Participant

    so, squeak, who is it already?

    or is this part of the joke?

    ok, I’ll do it for you squeak.

    Ears.

    ~a~

    #1172677

    squeak
    Participant

    Control freak.

    Now you say “Control freak who?”

    #1172679

    squeak
    Participant

    Sorry for the delay, I didn’t intend to make y’all wait an hour.

    I think you did. :o) YW Moderator-72

    no, I didn’t

    #1172681

    an open book
    Participant

    very funny, squeak

    anonymisss: ears who?

    #1172682

    an open book
    Participant

    ames: as a control freak, he immediately told you exactly what to do next 😉

    #1172683

    anonymisss
    Participant

    ears another knock knock joke.

    Knock knock.

    (sorry, I was just buying time for squeak.)

    ~a~

    #1172684

    kapusta
    Participant

    Who says cops don’t have a sense of humor?

    “The handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch out after you wear them awhile.”

    “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”

    “So, you don’t know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?”

    “Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?”

    “Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”

    “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?”

    “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”

    “In God we trust, all others are suspects.”

    “No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we want.”

    “Just how big were those two beers?

    🙂

    #1172685

    kapusta
    Participant

    and the famous…:

    a cop pulls somebody over.

    Cop: your eyes are glazed, have you been drinking?

    reply: your eyes, are also glazed, have you been eating donuts?

    🙂

    #1172686

    squeak
    Participant

    JOTD!!!!

    People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don’t get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don’t get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days. Well, now there’s the new Toddler Miracle Diet.

    Over the years you may have noticed that most two year olds are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet. You may want to consult your doctor before embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards. Good Luck !!!

    DAY ONE:

    Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly.

    Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor.

    Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.

    Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).

    Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Sprite.

    Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.

    DAY TWO:

    Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it.

    Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.

    Lunch: Half tube of “Pulsating Pink” lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.

    Afternoon snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again.

    Then bring inside and drop on rug.

    Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour Grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon.

    DAY THREE:

    Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass.

    After breakfast, pick up yesterdays sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on the cushion of best chair.

    Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.

    Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch.

    Try to laugh some punch through your nose, if possible.

    FINAL DAY:

    Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add half a cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.

    Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.

    Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.

    #1172687

    baal kishron
    Participant

    i see we are still using baseball vernacular

    #1172688

    kapusta
    Participant

    jotd? I see this thread doesnt function without me… I’ll try to post something soon, not sure if I’ll have time though 🙂

    #1172689

    squeak
    Participant

    Thanks ames, I knew that joke would rate with you, considering.

    #1172690

    squeak
    Participant

    ames, feel free to use polo or croquet expressions instead and leave the burden of googling the translation to us.

    #1172691

    kapusta
    Participant

    ames you wanna share it with me? 🙂 save your friend a step… 🙂

    #1172696

    squeak
    Participant

    Sorry I missed a coupla days… it’s not supposed to be my responsibility anymore.

    ________________________________-

    The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.

    One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side’s dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

    The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler females in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

    When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.

    When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it’s cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it’s cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund’s neck, the Dachshund opened it’s mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

    The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. “We don’t understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler females in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves.”

    “That’s nothing”, an American replied. “We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.”

    #1172697

    Jax
    Member

    how many kiddushim do you honor with your presence each shobbos?

    (a)0-2

    (b)3-5)

    (c)7 or more

    (d)I just got a Heter to carry a map on shobbos

    #1172698

    squeak
    Participant

    3. And I make them all myself, in my home.

    Wicket? Not the stake? I guess I’ll have to keep trying…

    #1172699

    squeak
    Participant

    Just to prove that I’ve still got what it takes, here’s a corker:

    How do you make an eggroll?

    Push it.

    #1172701

    moish01
    Member

    squeak, have you been eating laffy laffies?

    #1172702

    moish01
    Member

    hey my joke didn’t make it… ok i guess it’s a little risky on a public forum… did the moderator laugh at least??

    I did

    #1172703

    moish01
    Member

    may i ask for you to identify yourself?

    #1172704

    h2
    Member

    moish- the mention of a laffy taffy put me in the mood. Right now I’m eating a blue one and the joke is: What did the noodles say to the butter?

    *Don’t try and butter me up*

    Ha ha!

    #1172705

    kapusta
    Participant

    this thread is a goner without me 🙂

    The Stella Awards

    The “Stella” awards rank up there with the Darwin awards. Stella Liebeck is the 81 year old lady who spilled coffee on herself and sued McDonalds. This case inspired an annual award: The “Stella” Award – for the most frivolous lawsuits in the U. S.

    The following are this year’s candidates:

    1. January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little brat was Ms. Robertson’s son.

    2. June 1998: A 19 year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn’t notice there was someone at the wheel of the car, when he was trying to steal his neighbor’s hubcaps.

    3. October 1998: A Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn’t re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation. Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner’s insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of half a million dollars.

    4. October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor’s beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner’s fenced-in yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

    5. May 2000: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

    6. December 1997: Kara Alton of Claymont, Delaware successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

    And the winner is:

    Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City. In November 2000 Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32 foot Winnebago motor home. On his first trip home, having joined the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the Winnie left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him

    in the handbook that he couldn’t actually do this. He was awarded $1,750,000 plus a new Winnie. (Winnebago actually changed their handbooks on the back of their court case, just in case there are any other complete morons buying their vehicles).

    #1172706

    baal kishron
    Participant

    Kapusta you should know i tried to post this in the funny email thread and mod 39 and i got into a whole fight cuz it didnt get posted and the mod said it wasnt true and they wouldnt post something that wasnt true and here it is posted ha

    #1172707

    kapusta
    Participant

    bk sorry, I had no idea. if it makes you feel any better, it happened to me a few times with jokes. I guess it makes a difference which mod you have… and mod 39 didnt come on yet anyway 🙂

    #1172708

    squeak
    Participant

    yes, I was eating a laffy taffy. Mishloach manos, and it’s almost Pesach, and you know the rest. Of course I’m very machmir that all the candy has to be finished also.

    ames, I can’t figure out what phrase could be so misconstrued that it had to be deleted?

    #1172709

    moish01
    Member

    such a chosid, squeak. there’s an easier way of getting rid of it if your intentions really were to clean for pesach. it’s called the garbage can.

    but you’re excused. i guess even old geezers like you enjoy laffy taffies.

    #1172710

    baal kishron
    Participant

    dont be sorry i just thought it was funny that u slipped throught the cracks

    #1172712

    kapusta
    Participant

    If Restaurants Functioned Like Microsoft

    Patron: Waiter!

    Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I’ll be your Support. What seems to be the problem?

    Patron: There’s a fly in my soup!

    Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won’t be there this time.

    Patron: No, it’s still there.

    Waiter: Maybe it’s the way you’re using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead.

    Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

    Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl are you using?

    Patron: A SOUP bowl!

    Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it’s a configuration problem. How was the bowl set up?

    Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the fly in my soup?!

    Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

    Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

    Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

    Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??

    Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

    Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

    Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

    Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I’m running late now.

    [waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]

    Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

    Patron: This is potato soup.

    Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn’t ready yet.

    Patron: Well, I’m so hungry now, I’ll eat anything.

    [waiter leaves.]

    Patron: Waiter! There’s a gnat in my soup!

    The check:

    Soup of the Day . . . . . . . $5.00

    Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50

    Access to support . . . . . . $1.00

    #1172713

    kapusta
    Participant

    why throw it out and c”v be over on baal tashchis? eating them is the mehadrin min hamehadrin opinion 😉

    #1172715

    Jax
    Member

    another favorite of mine is: on a fast day-never go into a bakery-”your eyes are way bigger, than your stomach!!!”

    #1172716

    anonymisss
    Participant

    Jax, only some people’s. lol!

    ~a~

    #1172718

    kapusta
    Participant

    in effort to keep this thread alive… its not my best… :/

    A Long Way Home

    Two blonde friends were going on a trip to Florida. A neighbor told them that they’d be fine as long as they paid attention to the road signs along the way. But they’d driven just 30 miles when they saw one that read “Clean Restrooms Ahead.”

    Two months later they arrived in Florida exhausted, having used up 86 bottles of Windex, 267 rolls of paper towels, and three cases of toilet-bowl cleaner.

    Total restrooms cleaned: 450.

    🙂

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