- This topic has 2,003 replies, 182 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 8 months ago by .
-
Posts
-
ELUL RECALL NOTICE
Regardless of make or year, all units known as “human beings” are being recalled by the Manufacturer. This is due to a malfunction in the original prototype units code named Adam” and “Eve” resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units. This defect is technically termed, “Serious Internal Non-morality, ” but more commonly
known as “SIN.”
Some of the symptoms of the SIN defect:
[a] Loss of direction
Lack of peace and joy
[c] Depression
[d] Foul vocal emissions
[e] Selfishness
[f] Ingratitude
[g] Fearfulness
[h] Rebellion
Jealousy
The Manufacturer, Hashem, is providing factory authorized repair service free of charge to correct the SIN defect. He has most generously offered to bear the entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs. To repeat, there is no fee required. The number to call in for repair in all areas is PRAYER. Once connected, please upload the burden of SIN through the REPENTANCE procedure. Next, download ATONEMENT from Hashem into the heart component of the human unit. No matter how big or small theSIN defect is, Hashem will replace it with:
[a] Love
Joy
[c] Peace
[d] Kindness
[e] Goodness
[f] Faithfulness
[g] Gentleness
[h] Patience
Self-control
Please see the operating manual, TORAH, for further details on the use of these fixes. As an added upgrade, the Manufacturer has made Himself available to all repaired units through a special internalization function called NESHAMAH, enabling direct monitoring and assistance. Repaired units need only make the NESHAMAH welcome and she will take up residence on the premises.
WARNING: Continuing to operate a human being unit without corrections voids the Manufacturer’ s warranty, exposes the unit to dangers and problems too numerous to list, and will ultimately result in the human unit being incinerated. Thank you for your immediate attention.
Please assist by notifying others of this important recall notice.
Have an uplifting Chodesh Elul!
My Parents had not been out together in quite some time.
One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up behind her.
“Would you like to go out, girl?” he asked.
Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, “Oh, yes, I’d love to!”
They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn’t until the end of it that Dad confessed.
His question had actually been directed to the family dog, lying near Mom’s feet on the kitchen floor.
BS”D
Ku Klux Klan – meshuggeners running around in white hoods and sheets
Ku Klux Karta – meshuggeners running around in shtreimlach and pajamas
Ku Klux Kloister – The Westboro B-ptist Church
Kilobear – my teacher said that when she was little, she thought it was the “Ku Ku Klux Klan”. Her mother corrected her, but told her she wasn’t even so far off from the truth.
little jhonnys teacher wuz trying to make use of her psychology courses she started her class by saying whoever thinks that they’re stupid stand up after a few seconds johnny stood up his teacher asked “do u think ur stupid?” “no ma’am but i hate to see u there standing all by yourself”
BS”D
true story:
We ask for reshus lehispalel im haavaryanim (in modern Ivrit delinquents or criminals)on YK.
Sure enough, at Neilah here in Ukraine I was standing behind a guy wearing a yarmulke issued by the Rabbanut of the EY prison system! (sherutei batei sohar – shin beis samech).
BS”D
A neighborhood oisvorf stopped into a haimishe computer repair shop in Williamsburgh because he was having trouble getting rid of a virus in his laptop.
He told the owner: “By myne computer iz a virus!”
The owner turned on the machine and was appalled at the disgusting photo he saw as soon as he turned it on.
He told his customer: “You’re right – emmes by dan computer iz avyros! Ich ken nisht afnemen dan avyros! Di darfts tshive tzi tun, yetzt! (really in your computer there are avyros! I can’t take them off! – you must do tshuva, now!”
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Bochur Life 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system Applications such as FarbrengenNight 3.0, Party Night 2.5, BaglesSnoozes 6.1 and Hangout 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.
In addition, applications such as Garbage Out 3.3 and House Work 2.1 have gone from select-as needed to continuous schedule, ignoring them causes Night-on-the-Couch 1.0 to take over all activity.
I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications.
I am thinking about going back to BochurLife 7.0, but the uninstall does not work on this program Can you help me, please!!
Thanks,
A Distressed User
Dear Distressed User:
This is a very common complaint which is mostly due to a p rimary misconception.
Many people upgrade from BochurLife 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed to run everything.
It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to BochurLife 7.0.
It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to BochurLife 7.0 because Life1.01 is not designed to do this.
Some have tried to install BochurLife 7.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system.
Look in your manual under “Warnings-Alimony/Child Support”.
I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.
I suggest installing background application program C:YES DEAR to alleviate software augmentation.
Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faul ts (GP Fs).
You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur,regardless of their cause.
The best course of action will be to enter the command C:APOLOGIZE.
In any case avoid excessive use of YES DEAR because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal.
The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance.
Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0.
I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0.
Do not, under any circumstances, install OtherFriends 3.3 as a primary operating system.
This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Thanks for using our Tech Support.
you’ve may have heard this one before, but for all those that have’nt..
THE YIDDISHE KUPF
An observant Jew who lived on Park Avenue , built a Sukkah on his balcony.
Some of his ‘high society’ non-Jewish neighbors brought him to court.
They claimed that the Sukkah on his balcony was an eyesore and was having
a negative impact on the value of their homes in this posh neighborhood.
In court, the man was very worried about the outcome. It was the eve of the
eight-day holiday, leaving him no time to make alternative arrangements,
in case the judge ordered him to take down the Sukkah.
He prayed for help. And Hashem listened.
Judge Ginsburg, who was Jewish himself, had a reputation of being a very wise man.
After hearing both sides, he turned around to the observant Jew and scolded him:
“Don’t you realize that you live on Park Avenue, and not in Brooklyn?There is a
certain decorum which is expected on Park Avenue. You have no right to be putting
up an ugly hut on this lovely street without a building permit authorizing it.
I hereby rule that either you remove the hut, or I will fine you one thousand dollars.
You have exactly eight days to do so! Next case!”
I recommend installing Alcohol 1.1.1.1.1.1 on a regular basis.
mepal – That’s not just a joke; it happened to us!
Really, abx? That’s funny!
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die.
This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.
A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge.
The balance had been $0.00, now somewhere around $60.00.
A family member placed a call to Citibank.
Here is the exchange:
Family Member: “I am calling to tell you she died in January.”
Citibank: “The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.”
Family Member: “Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.”
Citibank: “Since it is two months past due, it already has been.”
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?”
Citibank: “Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!”
Family Member: “Do you think God will be mad at her?”
Citibank: “Excuse me?”
Family Member: “Did you just get what I was telling you – the part about her being dead?”
Citibank: “Sir, you’ll have to speak to my supervisor.”
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: “I’m calling to tell you, she died in January.”
Citibank: “The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.” (This must be a phrase taught by the bank!)
Family Member: “You mean you want to collect from her estate?”
Citibank: (Stammer) “Are you her lawyer?”
Family Member: “No, I’m her great nephew.” (Lawyer info given)
Citibank: “Could you fax us a certificate of death?”
Family Member: “Sure.” (Fax number is given)
After they get the fax:
Citibank: “Our system just isn’t setup for death. I don’t know what more I can do to help.”
Family Member: “Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don’t think she will care.”
Citibank: “Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.” (What is wrong with these people?!?)
Family Member: “Would you like her new billing address?”
Citibank: “That might help.”
Family Member: ” Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.”
Citibank: “Sir, that’s a cemetery!”
Family Member: “What do you do with dead people on your planet?
“mepal
member
New White House Staff. So far we have:
Rahm Emanuel – Chief of Staff – Jewish
David Axelrod – Senior Advisor to the President – Jewish
Ronald Klain – Chief of Staff to the Vice President of the United States – Jewish
Larry Summers – Economic Advisor to the President – Jewish
Paul Volcker – Economic Advisor to the President, Former Head of Fed Reserve – Jewish
Tim Geithner – Treasury Secetary – Jewish
Peter Orszag – Head of Budget – Jewish
Am I the only one noticing that Obama and Biden are not so much assembling staff, as gathering a minyan?”
hmm i think i should go to the espionage thread with this one i got it as an e-mail and then gave it to my friend…….
yossi: if you’d just know….all these emails go around and around and around and then three months later you’d see it posted here by someone else…and the cycle continues….
mepal, you asked for entertainment- here it is:
I HATE:
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time…. I know where my watch is, thank you!
2. When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it? Do people do this?
3. When people say while watching a film “did you see that?”. No, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the floor.
4. People who ask “Can I ask you a question?”…. Didn’t really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
5. When something is ‘new and improved!’ Which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn’t be new. (note from FunnyBunny: I put this one because it fit, but we do have the concept of “Ein Chadash Tachas HaShemesh.”)
6. When people say “life is short”. What?? Life is the longest thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that’s longer?
7. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here?
Very funny!
1. Only in America……can a pizza get to your house faster than an
ambulance.
2. Only in America……are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America……do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to
the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people
can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America……do people order double cheeseburgers, large
fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America……do banks leave both doors open and then chain
the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America……do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in
thedriveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America……do we use answering machines to screen calls and
then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t
want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America……do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages of eight.
9. Only in America……do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the
process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning
‘bloodsucking creatures’.
10. Only in America……do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
lettering.
are you defending yourself 😛 or have you given up on the espionage thread 🙂
You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on…
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, ‘Who’s on First?’ might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks I’m setting up an office in my den and I’m thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name’s Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name’s Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don’t know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let’s just say I’m sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue ‘W’.
COSTELLO: I’m going to click your blue ‘w’ if you don’t start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That’s right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What’s bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn’t it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on ‘START’………….
Anyone got anything original?
(sorry, that was nasty ;))
well this just happened last night:
my father gives a class and one of the attendees came in to the kitchen afterwards to meet my brother and his new wife. during the conversation he (the attendee: let us call him chaim) mentioned that in order to keep up with my father’s humor one has to be quick on his feet otherwise you will drown. pipes up my brother, if that is true then you will be the second man in history to walk on water…….
LOL! That was cute (AND original)! So maybe you can share some of your dad’s humor too?
well most of it you have to be there to get it (i.e. in-conversation punchlines if you notice it by me now you know where i got it from) but i will try my best
lol, I understand.
mepal, i never really have the patience to look through this thread but i just took a peek. i loved the blonde and brunette joke with the bull! any other good ones?
As they come, I post them. I gave up on searching for them myself.
If halloween would be a Jewish holiday we would sell pumpkins for 2-3 hundred dollars. Never mind a Chossen would get a pumpkin holder for a gift from the Kallah.
As general principle, Jewish holidays are divided between days on which you must starve and days on which you must overeat.
Many Jews observe no fewer than 16 fasts throughout the Jewish year, based on the time-honored principle that even if you are sure that you are ritually purified, you definitely aren’t.
Though there are many feasts and fasts, there are no holidays requiring light snacking.
Jews take the whole day off for holidays. This is because Jews, for historical and personal reasons, are more stressed out.
The Diet Guide to the Jewish Holidays:
Rosh Hashanah
FeastTzom Gedalia
FastYom Kippur
— More fastingSukkot
Feast for a week +Hashanah Rabbah —- More feasting
Simchat Torah
Keep right on feastingMonth of Heshvan
No feasts or fasts for a whole month. Get a grip on yourself.Hanukkah
—- Eat potato pancakesTenth of Tevet
Do not eat potato pancakesTu B’Shevat
FeastFast of Esther
FastPurim
Eat pastryPassover
—- Do not eat pastry for a weekShavuot
Dairy feast (cheesecake, blintzes, etc.)17th of Tammuz
Fast (definitely no cheesecake or blintzes)Tish B’Av
Serious fast (don’t even think about cheesecake or blintzes)Month of Elul
End of cycle. Enroll in Center for Eating Disorders before High Holidays arrive again.LOL, BY2!
mepal- that’s funny!!
This is a very humorous item (why was the thread closed?):
ames
Member
I was driving to work, minding my own business, when suddenly, I noticed something falling out of the sky!
Posted 5 hours ago #
squeak
Member
It was Joseph. His superhero powers totally failed.
Posted 5 hours ago #
areivim, did you read up about Joseph’s superpowers yesterday?
areivim – after that high point, the only place to go was down 🙂
A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, “I’m sorry, but we don’t serve strings here.”
The string walks away. A few minutes later he goes back to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender, looking a little exasperated, says, “I’m sorry, we don’t serve strings here.”
So the string goes back to his table. Then he ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. Then he walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.
The bartender squints at him and says, “Hey, aren’t you a string?”
And the string says, “Nope, I’m a frayed knot.”
corny
AGE IS A FUNNY THING
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we’re kids? If you’re less than 10 years old, you’re so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
“How old are you?”
“I’m 4 and half.”
You’re never 36 and a half, but you’re 4 and a half going on 5! That’s the key. You get into your teens, now they can’t hold you back. You jump to the next number.
“How old are you?”
“I’m gonna be 16.”
You could be 12, but you’re gonna be 16. And then the greatest day of your life happens: you become 21. Even the words sounds like a ceremony–you BECOME 21. YES!!!!
But then you turn 30. Ooohhh, what happened here?? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED. We had to throw him out. There’s no fun now. What’s wrong?? What changed???
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you’re PUSHING 40…stay over there, it’s all slipping away…
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you’re PUSHING 40, you REACH 50…my dreams are gone…
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you’re PUSHING 40, you REACH 50 and then you MAKE IT to 60…Whew! I didn’t think I’d make it.
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, You’re PUSHING 40, you REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60, and by then you’ve built up so much speed, you HIT 70!
After that, it’s a day by day thing. You HIT Wednesday, you get into your 80s, you HIT lunch. I mean my grandmother won’t even buy green bananas, “Well it’s an investment, you know, and maybe a bad one.”
And it doesn’t end there…Into the 90’s, you start going backwards: I was JUST 92. Then a strange thing happens, if you make it over 100, you become a little kid again: I’m 100 and a half!!
Age is a funny thing.
funnybunny- thanx so much for reviving my favorite thread!
Even though i didn’t comment for a while i am still readind this every night! thanx for the entertainment!!!!!!
Some of us actually like getting older, no matter the number. As I always say, getting older is better than the alternative.
squeak: like aged wines, alcohol, and meat, right?!
squeak – where are you holding?
Jax – you know the finer stuff!
Joseph – B”H I am holding by the former (getting older).
hey, Joseph, don’t get too personal!
h2- my pleasure!
FunnyBunny – Have no fear; this is mikvah talk between squeak and myself.
“There’s trouble with the car,” said the wife. “It has water in the carburetor.”
“Water in the carburetor?” replied the husband. “That’s ridiculous.”
“I tell you, the car has water in the carburetor.”
“You don’t even know what a carburetor is,” said the husband. “I’ll check it out. Where’s the car?”
“In the pool.”
squeak, I’ve gotten that email with a picture instead of the wife’s final answer and it was so much more impressive that way!
Was the picture of a ’54 Buick Roadmaster with mint green trim and white sidewalls? I still miss that car. I was so broken when that happened.
squeak, lol!
omg, hello- this is my favoritest thread,how in the world did it fall off the page???????
h2: well help to post something to help it out! & WB!
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.