Choson Under Chuppa: Smile or Cry?

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  • #604696

    shmoel
    Member

    Is it more appropriate for a choson, when under his chupa, to be smiling or crying while saying a tefila to the RBS”O asking for a succesful life?

    #967634

    HaKatan
    Participant

    On Rosh HaShana, which is coming up, we don’t cry, even though it is a day of judgement, because we are happy and confident that BE”H we will all merit a wonderful, sweet new year.

    I would think the nidon diDan would be similar. While it’s a serious occasion (and a personal Yom Kippur), and only a navi knows the future, one would hope that some sort of smile would still be in order, BE”H. Look at the many brachos marriage brings: a clean slate, completing himself with his zivug, etc.

    #967635

    2scents
    Participant

    He should be sincere. If the tefila makes him smile, then be it.

    #967636

    MorahRach
    Member

    Why must we turn everything into a right or wrong situation?

    Not everyone can control their tears. Gettig married is very emotional and if you are prone to having very emotional reactions in intense situations, who are we to tell you it is innappropriate.

    #967637

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    He should be carefully calculating what is the appropriate expression and how he can best display it to the public.

    Seriously, what is this thread?

    #967638

    R.T.
    Participant

    “On Rosh HaShana, which is coming up, we don’t cry … sweet new year.”

    The Gr”a says that it’s technically prohibited to cry publicly on R.H. because it is Yom Tov (& Shabbos when applicable).

    But it should be known that the Arizal says that if a person is not moved emotionally to tears on R.H., either from the Tefillos (e.g., Avinu Malkenu, Un’tana Tokef), or from the Tekios, etc…, then that person’s neshama is “flawed” and needs real work/repair.

    #967639

    cinderella
    Member

    Whatever he feels like doing. There’s no set standard.

    #967640

    shmoel
    Member

    Is Yom Kippur the same as Rosh Hashana, as far as no crying is concerned?

    #967641

    oomis
    Participant

    I ALWAYS tear up on R”H the second I hear the Shofar. This year it happened when I heard it on Rosh Chodesh Elul at a bris shacharis. How could someone NOT be moved to tears?

    #967642

    midwesterner
    Participant

    My daughter got married two weeks ago. My new son in law cried like a baby. And I was happy to see that he considered it a very serious moment.

    #967643

    Ðash®
    Participant

    He should be carefully calculating what is the appropriate expression and how he can best display it to the public.

    Seriously, what is this thread?

    You have to admit, it’s better than this weeks Motzai Shabbos thread.

    #967644

    This totally depends on every person individually. Different people have different ways of expressing their emotions. Just because a chosson isn’t crying, it doesn’t mean he’s not feeling emotional. That’s how he expresses his emotions. A chosson who is crying expresses his emotions that way. It doesn’t mean he isn’t happy.

    I’ve seen both crying and smiling by chassanim and kallos.

    #967645

    more_2
    Member

    I cried this past rosh Hashona, is that why I had such a terrible year?

    #967646

    SayIDidIt™
    Participant

    midwesterner: Mazel Tov! Only Simchos!!

    SiDi™

    #967647

    HaLeiVi
    Participant

    He is supposed to cry seven tears and three smiles. If there’s not enough time, three tears will sufice and he may smile simultaneously. :.)

    #967648

    bpt
    Participant

    His choice; he can laugh now, and cry later, or vice-versa.

    NObody rides for free.

    #967649

    Englishman
    Member

    bpt: Are you suggesting if he cries now, he’ll be laughing later?

    #967650

    bpt
    Participant

    I lifted this idea from the oilam hagashmi vs the oliam ha ruchni.

    If you enjoy too much of the good things now, it often comes at the expense of your oliam haboh.

    If you make due with less now, you sack away more for later.

    Marriage is very similar in many ways. Build the foundation properly, and you are home free.

    #967651

    Whiteberry
    Member

    If the shvigger is smiling, he should cry. If she is crying he should smile.

    #967652

    Shticky Guy
    Participant

    I used to think that’s why chassanim cry; when they look up and see their shvigger circling…

    But seriously, in one of the sefarim I learned as a chassan it brought an ???? to ????? be ????? ????? under your ????.

    #967653

    oomis
    Participant

    My daughter got married two weeks ago. My new son in law cried like a baby. And I was happy to see that he considered it a very serious moment. “

    Mazel tov. May their home be flled with laughter.

    #967654

    @midwesterner – mazal tov!

    As for me, I was rather serious through the whole thing. No crying, no laughing. I tend to be a rather serious person and not sway one side or the other very quickly, especially not during pre-planned events such as standing under the chuppah.

    #967655

    americaisover
    Participant

    definitely cry.

    #967656

    oomis
    Participant

    Solemn, yes, but ecstatially happy also. I like to see a chosson and kallah who look like they are HAPPY to be getting married to each other. I have seen people who looked liked ther LAST thing they wanted was that chuppah.

    #967657

    LanderTalmid
    Participant

    If he is making himself cry for the sake of crying, I don’t see any worth to such tears.

    #967658

    My husband was so nervous and uncomfortable during most of the wedding because he hates being the center of attention. In some of the pictures of the dancing, he doesn’t look too happy! But he was smiling at the badeken and the chuppah. Our mesader kedushin, who was an old friend and chavrusa, even made him laugh with his speech under the chuppah.

    I cried at the mikvah the night before and with my shomeret when I got home. On the day of the wedding itself, I couldn’t stop smiling. I was absolutely glowing with happiness.

    #967659

    rebdoniel
    Member

    I saw a halakha (maybe in the Maharil) that says that the chazzan on the yamim noraim should try to cry or at least sound as if he is crying when leading the tefillot on such days. Wailing sounds, I suppose, are seen as appropriate and effective on these occasions.

    Certainly, much of the Ashkenazic nusach sounds mournful and tearful (even on a Yom Tov), such as for the piyut Le El Orekh Din. In this vein, it would then be appropriate for the hatah to cry. I know that should HKBH bless me with finding my basherta (Please, G-d, may it be soon!), I’d be emotional under the huppah.

    #967660

    oomis
    Participant

    RebD, may Hashem Answer your prayers b’korov.

    #967661

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    It depends who you are marrying.

    matza o motza

    #967662

    zeev.b
    Member

    to popa_bar_abba:

    so when is it matza he should be crying and when is it motza he should be happy?

    person should be always afraid that ???? ????? ?????

    😉

    #967663

    moi aussi
    Member

    rebdoniel,

    When you say “hatah”, I guess you mean the groom, which Ashkenazim call Chatan, Choson, or Chusen. The Sefardim might pronounce the CH as H, but the nun is nun, so if you’re Sefardi, it’s Hatan.

    The Galicianer say Huppe, Hassene, Hussen.

    #967664

    ah yid
    Participant

    I remember learning when I was a choson That the choson should cry. here was a godol (I think the Brisker rav ) who wouldn’t officiate until he saw the choson was crying. It is after all like Yom Kipper.

    #967666

    golfer
    Participant

    Moi a, I always thought that’s the real, genuine, die-in-the-wool Hungarians who get all emotional as the Hoossen and the Kalleh stand under the Huppah by the Hasseneh.

    #967667

    ah yid, that’s a LOT of pressure for a chasan! How embarrassing for him to have to stand there and basically cry on cue, and hold up the entire chasuna if he can’t!! I personally would have given up the honor of having such a person officiate rather than agree to those terms.

    golfer, I believe you mean “dyed-in-the-wool”, from the French “pure laine”. There’s a Wikipedia page on the origin and meaning of the expression if you’re interested.

    #967668

    moi aussi
    Member

    golfer, you might be right, I knew it was an East European tribe.

    #967669

    golfer
    Participant

    Yes, jewishf02, that was what I meant.

    I had a good laugh when I saw what the mods put through before I could edit.

    Do you think they do it on purpose?

    The Mods, I mean.

    -Putting through typo-ed posts in a flash, while letting the serious posts languish in cyberspace for hours on end…

    #967670

    rebdoniel
    Member

    I was typing without my glasses. The lower case h isn’t too far off from the n on the keyboard.

    Thank you for your tefillot, above.

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