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what do you think about chassanim and kallos being facebook friends and liking each other’s status, commenting on updates etc?
on a side note, what do you think about Chasson-kallah texting?
I hear both sides pros and cons:
They’re engaged so they’re very involved and keeping up with each other..but it could also make them a little too involved and they might step back and find out stuff make them rethink their engagement.
It can be perfectly fine if you’re just messaging and texting but the wall statuses (public view) gets problematic– I’d say don’t update statuses and post pics of you guys (or make sure u keep it to a minimum)
Whatever it is Mazel Tov if ur engaged!!
I suspect that many times it is fake, and thus not healthy. That is, these two people barely know each other; they’ve been out on a few dates and now their engaged to be married, and the world – or at least they think so – expects them to be head-over-heels in love with each other. Not that they don’t think of each other a lot, and dream of a future together; and yes, sometimes you will find couples who have gone through the standard shidduch process who do feel that way toward each other even at this stage. But it isn’t this way with everyone. On Facebook, everything you post is there for everyone to see. Once you post one lovey-dovey or supportive post there’s pressure to post another. With texts it might not be as pronounced, but the pressure is there too. So yeah, for the first few times it’s fun and cute, but once it becomes like you have to do it because otherwise it will be awkward that you didn’t, then the relationship faces a challenge. Because people who feel pressure don’t generally react with love and support to the cause of that pressure. And often the person trying hardest to send all those supportive texts and FB wall comments is getting more and more frustrated inside, even if it’s not conscious. It makes problems. The thing is, I can’t really say not to, because if it’s expected, it’s expected. All I’m saying, I guess, is that if it isn’t expected, do not go out of your way to make a loving gesture that doesn’t feel real to you, if it is one that creates such a situation in which it is expected to be repeated, because chances are it will cause more harm than good.
End ramble.
Why would you want your private intimate things on your public Facebook page? Hello?!
Chassan and Kallah should be using the time to get to know each other better and to build a foundation to a good Torahdig healthy marriage (huh what’s he talking about?) not pretend to the world that they are so in love or what not.
As an aside, I know of marriages that were destroyed due to Facebook. I don’t believe anyone should have one.
I think it can be a nice thing, but if not used responsibly and maturely, it can be detrimental to their relationship in the real world.
I read this assuming FB meant football and figured to see a discussion about a chassan and kallah getting together to watch the superbowl. Oh well 🙂
Hi yentingyenta.
With all due respect to the parties involved, whom I dont know; it seems stupid.
yentingyenta, I think it is a very nice thing for them to be FB friends, and use it responsibly and maturely.
The problem with them being FB friends is that each can see every post on eachothers “walls”. I dont think its a good idea for the chosson to be reading all of her female friends’ posts, as well as all of their pictures.
I wholeheartedly disagree.
Facebook should not be used……………………….. Google+ is far better!
otoh I think phone conversations are far better for building up communications In an engagement
(otoh= on the otherhand)
Yitayning- wow, geniusly said!! I agree with that whole thing you wrote there in the beginning of the thread!
Its so true how many relationships/engagements and even marriages were compromised and even destroyed because of couples misusing FB and texting.
TAKANOS are there for a reason!!!They don’t just tell you to be careful and to have limitations for kicks.
People need to either ground some security in their relationships or learn some boundaries- if they want a successful relationship!
nuff said, I think I made my point!
RedNails19, thanks.
I don’t use FB, but I don’t see what’s wrong with an engaged couple being FB friends. They should do what they feel most comfortable with, but at the same time have to understand that problems could arise, so they should be cautious.
Queen Bee- your point you made in invalid.
If you had worked many years in a mine, and spent day after day toiling, using every last strength and every bead of sweat- and discovered this BEAUTIFUL and PRICELESS diamond/stone that is beyond value on our market- and that belonged SOLELY to YOU. Would you flaunt it and show it off with no regard to thieves, and your enemies? I think you would announce the great discovery you made, but not over flaunt it- because human nature is not one of-“oh yea, im real happy for you. You found this beautiful and rare gem- and i want YOU only to keep it”
Same too with a shidduch, after all that work, and all those years- you FINALLY found that PRICELESS gem; yea, you would announce your happiness etc and celebrate- but flaunt- only a dumb or insecure person would do that.
You would hope not to be friends with someone who would not be genuinely happy (or at the very least indifferent) at your good fortune.
If your case is true, then the person needs better skills at picking his/her friends.
The Wolf
If this is how chassan/kallah learn to communicate with each other…..
Thursday night reb aron msatmar gave out a issoer on facebook and twiter he said he wants all parents who have kids in his moisdios not to have accounts in any of those and the moisdois will hire a board of programmers to follow up in it and if caught the kids will be thrown from the schools
just because the chosson/kallah think this is a way of communication it is totally not.
have you seen the world these days becoming better at the act of communication? NO! nowadays no one knows how to communicate they just know how to write things and that definitely doesnt help them have a relationship. They’ll get married and still have to text each other and not talk because they dont know how to do that(if texting and facebooks was the prefered method of communication.)
Just curious, nowadays Is it normal to befriend a date on FB in the frum velt?? In my days it was absolutely ASSUR!!
Eh. Liking/commenting on statuses is harmless. But posting lovey-dovey stuff is not appropriate, even after you are married. My husband and I both have Facebook, but other than the fact our “relationship status” is listed as us being married to each other, we have nothing to do with each other on Facebook- no posting on each other’s walls or statuses or any of that. It’s plain silly- if I have something to say to my husband, for goodness’ sakes, I’m married to the guy, I can tell it to him in person! We use Facebook for keeping in touch with people, and so that people who want can see pictures of our adorable kinderlach k’h. I think husbands and wives communicating on Facebook is at best silly, at worst downright wrong if they’re bantering on their walls- banter should be kept private!
Wolf – jealousy is a normal, though undesirable, human trait. I would not demand of someone to be above jealousy in order to have the privilege of being my friend.
R’ D. Goldwasser writes in his book about a guy who broke up with his fiance on facebook, rather than in person! (Then again, I guess that’s why its in a book about addiction…)
R’ D. Goldwasser writes in his book about a guy who broke up with his fiance on facebook, rather than in person!
That’s a deficiency in the character of the person, not in Facebook.
The same person might just as well have sent a telegram 75 years ago.
The Wolf
Wolf – jealousy is a normal, though undesirable, human trait. I would not demand of someone to be above jealousy in order to have the privilege of being my friend.
You can be jealous and still genuinely happy for the person’s good fortune at the same time.
The issue isn’t jealousy… the issue (as RedNails19 put it) is that she fears people won’t be happy for the person with the good fortune.
Jealousy is, as you point out, normal. Being *so* jealous that they aren’t happy for their friend’s good fortune (and would actually wish they didn’t have it) is not. Those types of people I don’t need as friends.
The Wolf
His point is that its because it bacame a normal way of social interacting, that he was able to do so. He could have sent her a letter, but put it on FB because that’s where he’s comfortable socially. Or something like that. Just quoting.
Wanting something, which I happen to have found out about through seeing in someone else’s possession,is not jealousy. There is always an element of not “fargining” involved in jealousy.
“R’ D. Goldwasser writes in his book about a guy who broke up with his fiance on facebook, rather than in person!”
My fiance chose to do it over a text message…
crazybrit: I agree with the google+ advice.
If you wanna keep in touch with family without all the pritzus, + with the possibility of almost full privacy, google+ is the way.
It’s mainly the privacy option that makes the inner yeshiva-guy in me think it’s ok.
Wolf – am sincerely waiting for an answer, I value your thoughts on such topics.
Wolf – am sincerely waiting for an answer, I value your thoughts on such topics.
I thank you for the kind compliment.
That being said, was there a question that I missed?
The Wolf
Yes, I responded to you about the parameters of jealousy.
Yes, I responded to you about the parameters of jealousy.
My apologies. I must have missed it.
In any event, I’m not sure that I understand the point you’re trying to make. Can you please restate it?
Thanks,
The Wolf
I think envy implies, by definition, that your desire is, to a certain extent, at the expense of your happiness for the other. If I am fully content with your having it, and simply want something I don’t have, which I happen to know about by seeing it by you, I am not envious, simply desirous. If your having it fuels my desire, that means I am not happy with your having while I don’t.
The concept of Ayin Horah (which def. exists, no matter how you deal with it), is based on the acknowledged difficulty we have in truly “fargining” others.
I disagree. I believe it’s possible to be “jealous” of your friend’s good fortune in the respect of “I wish I had similar fortune” and not in “I wish he didn’t have it.”
If you disagree with me on that, then we simply have to agree to disagree.
The Wolf
Of course that is possible. I just don’t think that is the trait of jealousy. I simply desire something you happen to have. I just as easily could have seen it elsewhere – there you have the same desire, separated from jealousy. In short, being desirous is not the same as being jealous.
I am not crazy about FB at all, except when family pics are posted. I think there is too much information (and much of it is nonsense) that is being posted. (Do people REALLY care that you are eating a sandwich without mayo today?????)
As for texting, there are pros and cons to this. For people on the go, it can be a valuable tool to get a message to someone without having to spend time they might not otherwise have, on the phone. OTOH, people are so used to texting,that having a real and meaningful conversation is rapidly becoming a lost art, and I think that is very sad, and potentially extremely detrimental to ANY relationship, much less that of a couple.
To Wolf:
The thing is that on FB, all those who are “friends” in the Facebook sense are not necessarily “friends” in the sense of a friendship the way we would think of one outside of Facebook. Therefore, the jealousy issue is a real one.
Beyond that, IMHO, if a chosson-kallah are from those groups in klal Yisroel that hold of communication during the engagement, they still should not be doing it on Facebook. This is a relationship that’s in a very delicate stage; way too easy to mess it up like that.
What’s Facebook?
The thing is that on FB, all those who are “friends” in the Facebook sense are not necessarily “friends” in the sense of a friendship the way we would think of one outside of Facebook. Therefore, the jealousy issue is a real one.
Then you either need to pick your Facebook friends better, or restrict your posts to those who you feel will be genuinely happy for you by creating sublists of friends*.
The Wolf
* I have multiple “sublists” of friends for various purposes and often restrict access to FB postings to various sublists based on the content of the post.
why is the fact that theyll find out stuff they mite have not known bout e/o a bad thing? if anything it’s good! ppl r so fake ovr shiduchim but if u watch ppl on thier FB u can see how ppl post and stuff. wen i got an FB i was shocked ot see how many fo my frends use lingo they wud nvr use in person or r frends w/ ppl completly below them or of opposite genders and post pictures of themselves dressed in ways they wud nvr go out in. I would wanna no if my chosson had this whole fake FB life and by seeing how he comments to othr ppls post, da statuses he puts up, the pics he posts and the frends he has!Im proud ot say i dont hoave a sep FB life, evry1 nos me as the same person i am for real n i cannot imagine marrrying sum1 who isnt like that.
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