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I know a guy who is getting older and has a very hard time with Shidduchim. Basically he is a good guy smart, nice, frum…his only problem is that he is very quiet. He isn’t into shmoozing. He’s not very social. Not due to lack of intelligence, Im not really sure why its just his personality he’s not a big conversationalist. Anyways as you can imagine he doesn’t have many close friends and he has a hard time on dates because he just isn’t a talker. Its very hard for him to date and he really hates going on dates because its so difficult for him. He only will date a very talkative girl. However even with talkative girls eventually they think he’s too quiet.
Is there anything a guy like this can do to change his personality?
Honestly I don’t know what to tell him. I feel bad for him. He’s mamish a good person but just quiet. Do you think such a guy can get married? Do you know of guys like this who got married and have a good marriage?
A. Why is he dating talkative girls? It sounds like he is trying to make the date more pleasant. But a talkative girl is not going to want to marry a guy who never opens his mouth. He should be dating girls more similar to him.
B. Is he socially awkward?
No.
Yes.
Yes.
Hey, I don’t talk and my wife yells at me for it yet I still got married (my wife felt she could live with me not talking much)
So the answer is yes (and btw a non talker is usually a listener which a lot of people like to have around)
being quiet has nothing to do with not having friends!!!
Will he talk to others at all?
If yes, he needs a quiet girl who will appreciate him for what he is – not a loud girl. There are plenty of them. I have one who needs a shidduch with similar issues although she has plenty friends.
WIY: That descrption fits me very well. I didn’t find it affected my dating prospects. I personally would not have chosen talkative dates, since that would have emphasised my quietness.
(I know of a couple where she doesn’t stop talking and he never talks. Happily married over 50 years. She seems to do over 95% of the talking.)
U can change apersonality like this, he’ll find a girl who needs a listener and he’ll be happilu married.
changing a personality for the sake of dating is a mistake.
he needs to find someone compatible who appreciates his personality, and will draw out the best in him, not try to change himself for the sake of others. it is important, however, to be sure that he has good dating and communications skills–even if hes not talkative, he has to know how to carry conversation, and overall show that he knows how to treat a girl. it is important for him to know that girls need to see initiative in him, and a certain masculine strength/direction,etc…..a girl needs to feel taken care of, not that she has to be the leader of the two because he can’t get his act together. a person doesnt need to talk a lot to accomplish this, its a social nuance that most people can pick up on.
from personal experience, i’ve been out with guys who were quieter than me, and that didnt bother me per se, as long as what they did say was intelligible, intelligent, and made sense–i hate when guys act shy, mumble, and dont make eye contact. being quiet/thoughtful/introspective/or say things in few words is one thing; not having social skills is quite another.
I’m sure he can get married – some girls want quiet guys.
I don’t think he should limit himself to talkative girls. It makes sense that a talkative girl will eventually think him too quiet. However, a quieter girl may not think the same way.
How do 2 quiet people date? You had what to talk to each other about? Or you just sat there looking at each other?
Yeah, but the point is to get married- not to date. So maybe he should endure an awkward first date, in order to find the kind of girl he would want to marry.
A girl I know is also very quiet and she just got divorced (presumably because of this but Im not sure). I think two very quiet people would be a good match becasue then even though it might sound like the silence is overbearing to an outsider, to them it would be the norm and they might like it.
I’m a girl, and I think many boys just don’t know how to carry on a regular conversation. Especially if they have no sisters. I am on the quiet side (for a girl) and usually have to draw the boy out on a date.
Most boys who are described as quiet are woefully lacking in social skills.
in any case, he should for sure not limit himself to only dating talkative girls. Just because someone might be on the quieter side does not necessarily make them uncomfortable conversationalists or bad daters. besides, there is a huge balance between “talkative” and “quiet”.
I know a lady (married) who engages in stream-of-conscioussness non-stop talking. She doesn’t care if you are listening or not. She just talks and talks and talks.
Such a type would be perfect for him. He will learn to interject a “Yes, dear” every five or ten minutes and they will live happily ever after.
HolyMoe, you’re hilarious.
A quiet man who is introverted, needs a woman who will help him come out of his shell. A woman who talks non-stop, is insecure and egocentric, that’s not what he needs.
He could be suffering from low self-esteem, which can be addressed by a psychologist.
This young man might benefit by developing his social skills. Perhaps he might become involved service organizations such those visiting the sick, helping in a shul, or mentoring children. This would encourage him to interact more with others in a positive way. Many times quiet folks have wonderful midos waiting to burst through if given the opportunity.
WIY: “How do 2 quiet people date? You had what to talk to each other about? Or you just sat there looking at each other?”
We had what to talk about, but there were also [short] periods of silence here and there. We usually walked around – I would have got tongue-tied face to face.
No person likes to feel that they have to do all the talking. For that they can sit home and talk to a wall. If he is that introverted that he can’t even hold a conversation, maybe he should take a public speaking course or do something to work on himself.
It’s interesting, since I am one of the more outgoing girls, and yes, I can be quite talkative. However I do find myself drawn to more quieter guys. I find that there is a lot going on beneath the surface and if we give them enough time and respect, it will come out. I also enjoy having one on one conversations more than group talk and I feel that I like bringing out those who may be more quiet and hear their original thoughts and what they have to say. They are inclined to be modest and unassuming and I appreciate people who are great listeners as well.
However if this is someone who really cannot say a word in a conversation or respond at all, I would say that it may be a good idea for him to speak to someone and work on developing himself in that area. There can be a variety of factors causing this which can be worked through.
You say he doesn’t have many close friends. What are the personalities of those he does have? That might give you a clue as to what type of personality he is compatible with. Quiet, to a degree, is ok, but it sounds like there’s no social stimulation or growth with him. Maybe he would benefit from a social skills group where a trained professional could observe him in action. I agree that major alterations to his personality are unlikely, but if he’s continuously rejected because of his silence, he might be choosing a future alone unless he’s willing to become the type f person that people want to be with. He needs to recognize if his personality is an impediment to finding a spouse. Does he think he has an issue with his personality or that he just hasn’t met the right one? If he has a string of rejections behind him all because of personality “issues” he may need to own up to that rather than searching endlessly for that perfect match.
he should practice making conversation. THe truth is you can’t be so quiet in a marriage process. Even after being married, you can’t just be quiet, it’s weird. I am not saying you have to gab for hours but you have to communicate even a bit.
He should write down some questions, make a list and practice in the mirror or to a voice recorder.
I dont’ think he will find someone if he cannot have the interest in a person to have a conversation, even just 10 or 15 minutes.
I would say he hasn’t developed socially so now is the time.
ALso if he dates someone, he should tell her this issue maybe on the first or second date. SHe might be able to help.
Introduce him to PinkOcean88.
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