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In Honor of Stupid People
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here
are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer — Do not use while sleeping.
(That’s the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos — You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap — “Directions: Use like regular soap.”
(and that would be???….)
On some Swanson frozen dinners — “Serving suggestion: Defrost.”
(but, it’s just a suggestion.)
On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) — “Do not turn upside down.”
(well…duh, a bit late, huh!)
On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding — “Product will be hot after heating.”
(and you thought?)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron — “Do not iron clothes on body.”
(but wouldn’t this save me time?)
On Boot’s Children Cough Medicine — “Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.”
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid — “Warning: May cause drowsiness.”
(I’m taking this because?)
On most brands of Christmas lights — “For indoor or outdoor use only.”
(as opposed to what?)
On a Japanese food processor — “Not to be used for the other use.”
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I’m a bit curious.)
On Sainsbury’s peanuts — “Warning: contains nuts”
(talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts — “Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.”
(Step 3: say what?)
On a child’s Superman costume — “Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.”
(I don’t blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
…Now that you’ve smiled at least once, it’s your turn to spread the stupidity and send
this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even chuckle)…
On some Purim nosh I received this year:
WARNING: Made in China……
mayan dvash-as long as it wasnt made in India!
It is said that the ability to make and understand PUNS is the
highest level of language development.
OK, so let’s go!
Here are the top 10 winners in the International Pun Contest.
1. A vulture boarded an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.
The Stewardess looked at him and said: ‘I’m sorry, sir,
only one carrion allowed per passenger’.
2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
The one turns to the other and says, ‘Dam!’
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly,
so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly,
it sank, proving once again that
you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.
4. Two hydrogen atoms meet.
One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’
The other says, ‘Are you sure?’
The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’
5. Did you hear about the
Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
His goal: To transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and
were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them
to disperse. “But why” they asked, as they moved off.
‘Because,’ he said, ‘I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.’
7. A woman had twins and gave them up for adoption.
One of them went to a family in Egypt and was named Ahmal.
The other went to a family in Spain; they named him Juan.
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that she wished
she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responded,
‘They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.’
8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments,
so they opened a small florist shop to raise funds.
Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of G-d,
a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.
He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.
He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.
So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most
vicious thug in town to ‘persuade’ them to close.
Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back
if they didn’t close up shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that:
only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi,as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and,
with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him [Oh, man, this is THE one that is SO BAD, it’s good]
a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10. And, finally:
there once was a person who sent ten different puns to friends,
with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.
squeak those were great.
(all except for number three – that one is a shame to even be on the list)
😛
I needed 10, you understand
Here SHE is, The USS New York, made from the World Trade Center !
USS New York
It was built with 24 tons of scrap steel from the World Trade Center.
It is the fifth in a new class of warship – designed for missions that
include special operations against terrorists. It will carry a crew of
360 sailors and 700 combat-ready Marines to be delivered ashore by
helicopters and assault craft.
Steel from the World Trade Center was melted down in a foundry in
Amite, LA to cast the ship’s bow section.
When it was poured into the molds on Sept 9, 2003, “those big rough
steelworkers treated it with total reverence,” recalled Navy Capt.
Kevin Wensing, who was there.
“It was a spiritual moment for everybody there.”
Junior Chavers, foundry operations manager, said that when the trade
center steel first arrived, he touched it with his hand and the “hair
on my neck stood up. It had a big meaning to it for all of us,” he
said.
“They knocked us down. They can’t keep us down. We’re going to be back.”
The ship’s motto? “Never Forget”
Please keep this going so everyone can see what we are made of in this country.
squeak, wow those were all fabulous!!
We were sitting around discussing a new store that opened up …we were yapping about this aspect of the store and the other when someone asked a real nosy question, to which someone else answered “Its really not your business.” NO PUN INTENDED.
I love this one. ‘An apple a day keeps the doctor away—if you have good aim’!!
kapusta, I dont get it…
squeak,
they were all good but 9 made me literally lol.
well squeak, i guess they got better as they came along because i laughed from numbers 7, 8 and 9. (#8 was great!)
except i’ve been trying not to pump your ego. oh well, i failed this time…
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE
WHEN YOU’RE OLD
AND DON’T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?”
He said “No,” but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.
Then the police dispatcher said “All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.”
George said, “Okay.”
He hung up the phone and counted to 30.
Then he phoned the police again.
“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I just shot them.” and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”
George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”
(True Story) I LOVE IT!
Don’t mess with old people
Live well, laugh often, love much!!!
Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name? I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank.
DON’T KNOW IF THIS IS TRUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hi All, I checked with Norton Anti-Virus, and they are gearing up for this virus!
I checked Snopes (URL above:), and it is for real!!
Get this E-mail message sent around to your contacts ASAP.
| PLEASE FORWARD THIS WARNING AMONG FRIENDS, FAMILY AND CONTACTS!
You should be alert during the next few days. Do not open any message with an attachment entitled ‘POSTCARD FROM HALLMARK,’ regardless of who sent it to you…. It is a virus which opens A POSTCARD IMAGE, which ‘burns’ the whole hard disc C of your computer.
This virus will be received from someone who has your e-mail address in his/her contact list. This is the reason why you need to send this e-mail to all your contacts It is better to receive
| this message 25 times than to receive the virus and open it.
| If you receive a mail called’ POSTCARD,’ even though sent to you by a friend, do not open it! Shut down your computer immediately.
This is the worst virus announced by CNN. It has been classified by Microsoft as the most destructive virus ever. This virus was discovered by McAfee yesterday, and there is no repair yet for this kind of virus. This virus simply destroys the Zero Sector of the Hard Disc, where the vital information is kept..
22oldgold: do you forward those when you get them??
kapusta, yeah where does zinc come in? How about if i say put the dishes in the link…cuz link rhymes with sink?
I say let it
Maybe its 2 screennames, but just one person.
Or would that be better off posted in Brainstorming?
the latter
kapusta,
you sacred 39 away it seems. (j/k) 🙂
kapusta: i’m still on your side! & try this: squeak & 39 one & the same? can’t be! mod-39’s too nice! 😉
Late to bed, late to rise
mkes you have bags under your eyes!
(especially if you are in the CR!!)
“I stayed awake all night looking for the sun – then it dawned on me”
Any Pesach emails anyone?
Slightly off topic, because this is actually a Bad forward (email).
A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After
careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it
safely to his van.
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of
gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and the make such an
obvious error, he replied, “Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the
paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.”
(See if you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else.
I sent it to you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse).
thanks, squeak. i heard that once but without the parentheses.
As the CEO of this business that employs 140 people, I have accepted the
fact that Barack Obama is our new President, and that our taxes and
government fees will now increase in a BIG way. To compensate for this
additional overhead, I figure that the clients will have to see an
increase in our fees of about 8% but since we cannot raise those prices
right now due to the dismal state of our economy, we will have to lay
off several of our employees instead. This unfortunate economic reality
has really been eating at me for a while, as we believe we are family
here and I didn’t know how to choose who will have to go. After giving
it considerable thought, this is what I did. I strolled thru our parking
lot and found 11 Obama bumper stickers on our employees’ cars and have
decided these folks will be the first to be laid off. I can’t think of
a more fair way to approach this problem. They wanted change; I gave it
to them.
If you have a better idea, let me know.
Sincerely,
Your Boss
Mepal I really liked that one!
mepal, I like your style, attack the problem at the source!;
A letter from Revital ??”?
My dear sisters,
I am writing to you in my last moments, with the last threads of my strength. I am writing to you with blood and tears, from the bottom of my broken and tormented heart.
Yes, I, Revital Avraham, 19 years old, am standing on the threshold of death, so young, but already feeling all the gates of life shutting slowly before me. I am like a beautiful flower closing its petals.
Like all of you, I had my dreams about love, husband, children and social position.
But Hashem has decided otherwise, and I know today that if I had lived differently, nothing would have happened.
I was born in a religious family from the center of Israel. From the day I can remember, I knew I was a beautiful child. From kindergarten, I attracted everybody’s attention, and I knew I had been blessed with a rare beauty, and I am not exaggerating. Even though people were talking my exceptional beauty, my dear and wise parents tried to minimize the effect of such a gift on me, and made all possible efforts to put the whole family on daily routine. But I was a bright child, and I cherished more and more my beauty.
And then I received a first warning sign. One evening, while preparing an omelet in the kitchen, and made a brisk turn and my beautiful long hair got caught in the fire and became in seconds a red and fearful flame. I was saved, but my hair had gone. I remember my hysterical crying in the hospital, and my father trying to console me: “Revital, Hashem has made a miracle. You could have been entirely burnt! You have now an opportunity to change and leave your foolish attitude behind you”.
But I didn’t listen. I was 16 years old then, and within two years my hair grew back to what it was, and everything was forgotten.
I was the queen of my class. My friends loved me, anything I wanted was granted, and I never was alone. I grew more and more beautiful with the years, and at 16, I began to put on make-up and tight clothes. At this stage, I even got involved in some trouble. It is hard for me to write about it, but I think you can guess.
I forgot to tell you about my grand-mother. She was a wonderful person, a real “Tzadekes” and I loved her very much. She was very sad and upset about my spiritual state of mind.
She was giving me money to buy more decent clothes, but nothing helped! She died before I was 17. I cried a lot and didn’t know how to live without her, and for a brief period, I even became a little bit more religious. But time eased the pain, and within a few months I was back to my bad habits, boastful and immodest as ever.
And then I received a second sign from above. One night I had a dream about my grand-mother. She was sitting on a stone and crying. I asked her why she was crying, and she pointed to her head without saying a word. I woke up very upset, but I forgot the whole thing very quickly, and this second sign melted away without any thought.
And then, I received the big blow. It came gradually but consistently. At the beginning, there were headaches, and my mother said I was tired and studying too much, that I should rest more, but deep down I felt it was something more serious.
After a month, I couldn’t even stand because of the headaches, and I thought my head was going to explode. My mother and I were worried and anxious on our way to the doctor, to get the answers to all the examinations and analyses I had been through, but the doctor’s face revealed the fearful truth. He said: “such a beautiful girl and so sick!” I burst into tears, asked for explanations. My mother and I were disoriented and helpless before this new and cruel reality: I had a cancerous tumor in my head.
It was only a question of time. I don’t remember how we got home that day. I just remember tears, fear, confusion and pain.
And suddenly I remembered the dream, my grand-mother crying and pointing to her head! If only I had understood at the time the meaning of that dream, my life would have different! But I didn’t give any importance to this dream and went on with my life. The next day, at the hospital, I began the treatment I never thought would be so painful. I felt death crawling slowly inside me, burning my bones, my blood, and my whole self.
The rest of my story is sad and painful, and I don’t even have the strength to write it.
My wonderful hair fell. Within a few months I was left completely bald, fearfully pale and weak. Every doctor I met was mentioning my rare beauty, and I, every time, felt my heart break a little bit more. Hashem had given me a precious gift, an outstanding beauty, and I had used it the wrong way, instead of keeping it intact and pure for a true cause. Oh Hashem!
Do it for yourselves, do it for me!
Revital Avraham
Dear sisters, our decency is our power! How important it is!
Revital died a short time after writing this letter
Her last will was a request to publish it.
Shall her memory be blessed and her message embraced by all!
Lakewood moisdos
Enrollment Application
Instructions:
Questionnaire:
1. What is the status of your child currently
a. Yiddish speaking play-group
c. Still in pampers (younger than 6)
d. Still in pampers (older than 6)
e. Not born yet (right answer)
5. When was you last Din Toira?
a. Similac
c. Underwear
d. Phillips Screw Drivers
e. Squirrel traps + GPS (+ EZ pass tags only on motzei shabbos)
7. Which of the following is reason to take your car in to a mechanic?
a. 2 back tires fell off
c. Duct tape not holding wind-shield in place any more.
e. Chaveirim is sick and tired of coming out to me.
8. Do you ever not wear a hat in the following situations:
a. At shop-rite
b. While driving
c. While shoveling snow
d. While taking a shower (in Mikva)
9. In which of the following situations does your wife mow the lawn:
a. Always
b. Never
c. Only in her 9th month
d. The lawn needs to be mowed?
10. Do you shop at Yussis:
a. Only before Shabbos
b. Daily
c. Sushi only
d. Yussi is my shvoger
11. How much money does you shver have? How much can we expect from him at our annual Melave Malka drive? Was he ever honored by any moisdos before?
a. Always
b. Only for mishloiach monos
c. Thinking about it
d. Only between Pesach and Shvuos
e. Yoshon?
14. Which of the following is an acceptable excuse for missing second seder?
c. Need to do car-pool for the kids within 2 weeks after a snow-storm (still no buses)
d. Second seder?
15. Why should we consider accepting you into our moisad
b. My grand-father was a Ger (not chosid)
c. My grand-mother is half Russian
e. I gave the Mashgiach a ride back from a wedding once
16. Are you a Rochmonus? Please explain __________________
a. ____________
b. ____________
c. ____________
18. How would you like to receive your rejection notice? (Even if we accept you, you must go through the crucial rejection process)
a. By mail
b. By email ([email protected])
b. Aaniyei Eercha
c. Tehilim chain call fund (before 10pm only)
d. Keep it (my check would have bounced anyways)
yeah areivim, good one.
mepal, i’d say that was insanely amazing, but those things are all made up.
areivim: hey i got that email too! i was thinkin of posting it here, but forgot about it! it really should be in the humor thread!
ames: moisdois are schools, yeshivos, etc.
moish: its crazy. These days you can never know what in an email is true, if its all false or if by some 1% chance it is actually accurate. Most emails are hard to believe-besides for the obama cartoons, that is!
AIN’T IT THE TRUTH!!?
Joe Smith started the day early having set his
alarm clock
(MADE IN JAPAN ) for 6am.
While his coffeepot
(MADE IN CHINA )
was perking, he shaved with his
electric razor
(MADE IN HONG KONG ).
He put on a
dress shirt
(MADE IN SRI LANKA ),
designer jeans
(MADE IN SINGAPORE )
and
tennis shoes
(MADE IN KOREA )
After cooking his breakfast in his new
electric skillet
(MADE IN INDIA )
he sat down with his
calculator
(MADE IN MEXICO )
to see how much he could spend today. After setting his
watch
(MADE IN TAIWAN )
to the radio
(MADE IN INDIA )
he got in his car
(MADE IN GERMANY )
filled it with GAS
(from Saudi Arabia )
and continued his search
for a good paying job.
At the end
of yet another discouraging
and fruitless day
checking his
Computer
(Made In Malaysia ),
Joe decided to relax for a while.
He put on his sandals
(MADE IN BRAZIL )
poured himself a glass of
wine
(MADE IN FRANCE )
and turned on his
TV
(MADE IN INDONESIA ),
and then wondered
why he can’t find
a good paying job
in the UNITED STATES .
SCHOOL ANSWERING MACHINE:
Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:
To lie about why your child is absent – Press 1
To make excuses for why your child did not do his work -Press 2
To complain about what we do – Press 3
To swear at staff members – Press 4
To ask why you didn’t get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you – Press 5
If you want us to raise your child – Press 6
If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone – Press 7
To request another teacher, for the third time this year – Press 8
To complain about bus transportation – Press 9
To complain about school lunches – Press 0
If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework and that it’s not the teachers’ fault for your child’s lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!
If you want this in Spanish, move to a country that speaks it!
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