- This topic has 2,022 replies, 290 voices, and was last updated 4 months, 1 week ago by .
-
Posts
-
There were two buddies one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to his friend, “Let’s go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.”
The guy with the Chihuahua says, “We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us.”
The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher says, “Just follow my lead.” They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in.
The bouncer at the door says, “Sorry, mac, no pets allowed.”
The man with the Doberman Pinscher says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”
The bouncer says, “A Doberman Pinscher?”
He says, “Yes, they’re using them now, they’re very good.”
The man at the door says, “Come on in.”
The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, “What have i got to lose,” so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
Once again the bouncer says, “Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.”
The guy with the Chihuahua says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”
The bouncer at the door says, “A Chihuahua?”
The man with the Chihuahua says, “A Chihuahua??? They gave me a Chihuahua?!”
cb1,
you saved the best for last!
:p> mbachur <d:
I thought a thought.
But the thought I thought
wasn’t the thought I thought I thought.
If the thought I thought I thought
had been the thought I thought,
I wouldn’t have thought so much.
what bracha do you make on hearing a joke
haadama because its corny
what bracha do you make on a joke? haadamah because its corny
i love it! waiter- thats funny!
funniest jewish joke ever:
“there were two jewish women sitting minding their own bussness”
The KKK meeting is called to order and it is noticed that a new recruit is wearing a clown hat. When asked why, he said: “I thought you said comical hat”
😀 Zuberman! 😀
An Irishman, Frenchman, Englishman and Israeli are sitting in a pub.
The Irishman says: “I have a bit of change left, I’m thinking of buying Citibank”
The Frenchman says: “I have a bit of money left as well and am considering buying General Motors”
The Englishman says: I’m putting in an offer to buy Microsoft.
Expectingly they all turn to see what the Israeli has to say.
He, slowly taking another sip of beer, says: “Sorry to disappoint you all, but I’m not selling”.
A US Navy cruiser anchors off Mississippi for a week’s shore leave. The first evening, the ship’s Captain received the following note from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:
“Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda’s Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last point: No Jews please.”
Sending a written message by his own yeoman, the captain replied:
Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending four of my best and most prized officers.
One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship design.
The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a graduate of Northwestern University in Chicago, with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering. His Masters Degree and PhD are in Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering from Texas Tech University and he is also an astronaut candidate.
The third officer is also a lieutenant, with degrees in both computer systems and information technology from SMU and he is awaiting notification on his Doctoral Dissertation from Cal Tech.
At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda’s mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four handsome, smiling Black officers. Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, “There must be some mistake.”
“No, Madam,” said the first officer. “Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes.”
I heard the joke with cabbies
1981 & 2005 – Two Interesting Years
Interesting Year 1981
1. Prince Charles of England got married.
2. Liverpool were crowned soccer Champions of Europe .
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. The Pope died.
Interesting Year 2005
1. Prince Charles of England got married.
2. Liverpool were crowned soccer Champions of Europe .
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. The Pope died.
Lesson to be learned:
The next time Prince Charles gets married, someone should warn the Pope!!!
Hey Shticky Guy that is a weird analysis. A bit eerie!
Dear Mother-in-Law, Please don’t try to tell me how to raise my kids! I’m married to one of yours and believe me,there’s much room for improvement!LOL
‘Barrack Obama was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below .
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water.
He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted. The first kid said, ‘I want to go to Disney World & Barrack said, ‘No problem, I’ll take you there on Air Force One.
‘The second kid said, ‘I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan shoes. Barrack said, ‘I’ll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them.
‘The third kid said, ‘ I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset.’
The kid said, ‘I will be after my dad finds out I saved you from drowning.
a joke isnt good when u have 2 disect it!!!!!!lol
Please don’t mind the spelling on those jokes. I just copied and pasted them without editing.
Why did the golfer take off his glove?
Because he had a hole in one!
what does a cow daven??
MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSAF!!!!!!!!
haha-thats my grandfathers favortie joke!!
We got rid of our coffee table because my wife does not drink coffee. We replaced it with a decaffeinated table.
There is a bidding war going on to build a tunnel connecting England and France. The first few contractors submit their bid at around a billion dollars each. The next few undercut them by a few %. And the bidding war is on. Comes along Moshe’s construction-“no job too big or too small tm”-and places a bid for 10 million dollars. They are incredulous. They call in Moshe and ask him to explain how he can do for 10m what everyone else expects to cost a billion. “Simple” he explains. All these other people come with fancy shmancy degrees and certificates. They need to hire engineers to make sure that when they dig on either side of the channel it will mesh exactly. I, on the other hand, just place Yankel on one side of the channel , Chain on the other, they motion to each other, if it looks ok, two thumbs up is the signal and the crew begins to dig.” “But what if the digging is not aligned and you miss each other?”
“No problem-Than you get 2 tunnels for the price of 1”
What’s the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?
The vulture will wait until you are dead to rip your heart out.
As a cohain I am supposed to avoid good lawyers.
Don’t criticize your wife. If she were perfect, she’d marry better ! 😉
!!Welcome to Our 21st Century !!
Our communication – Wireless
Our phones – Cordless
Our cooking – Fireless
Our food – Fatless
Our Sweets – Sugarless
Our labor – Effortless
Our attitude – Careless
Our feelings – Heartless
Our politics – Shameless
Our education – Worthless
Our Mistakes – Countless
Our arguments – Baseless
Our youth – Jobless
Our Boss – Ruthless
Our Jobs – Thankless
Our Needs – Endless
Our situation – Hopeless
Our Salaries – Less and less
An advantage of old age is the fact that you can sing whilst brushing your teeth!
getzel- you had me laughing through most of your jokes…. thank you so much
Getzel-that was great!!! Smart cookie-great marriage jokes, good thing my wife doesn’t waste her time on the cr or she might use it on me.
This Israeli is famished and enters the nearest eatery, which happens to be an upscale French restaurant. He is escorted to a table and presented with a menu by a white gloved waiter. He peruses the menu and soon realizes that he can’t read a word on the menu, let alone pronounce it. Turning to the waiter in exasperation he asks “Sir, do you have frog legs?” “Why cerrtainly” replies the waiter in his fine French accent. “Great” says the Israeli, “then please hop over to the kitchen and get me some chumus”
This Jewish guy walks into a restaurant, notices a Chinese guy at one of the tables, and out of the blue, walks up to him and kicks him so hard he goes flying off his chair. The bewildered China-man looks up incredulously at his assailant and asks”excuse my ignorance but do I know you from somewhere” “That’s for Pearl Harbor” replies the Jew indignantly. “Pearl Harbor? That was the Japanese not the Chinese” “Japanese, Chinese” replies the Jew, “it’s all the same to me” and calmly proceeds to sit himself down at another table. He was just sinking his teeth into some good matzoh ball soup when he gets a powerful blow to his face. He is still reeling when he looks up and sees none other than the China-man. “What in heaven’s name was that for?” asks the Jew. “That’s for the Titanic!”replies the China-man with smug satisfaction “The Titanic?”cries the Jew “The Titanic hit an iceberg?”
Says the China-man:
“Iceberg, Goldberg, it’s all the same to me.”
doctor: i have bad news and worse news. the bad news is you only have 24 hours to live.
patient: !…and the worse news?
doctor:…….i meant to tell you that yesterday.
A cop pulls s/o over for speeding.
Cop:Son, I was waiting for you all day
Speeder:Officer, I got here as quick as I can!
A man was walking in midtown one afternoon and he heard someone yelling HELP! HELP!
He looked up and saw a person standing by a window of a hi-rise building, at the 37th floor and yelling. He Yelled back, what happened? The guy yells down “It’s my mother-in-law, she wants to jump out of the window!” So the person on the street answers him “Let her!!” The Guy yells down “I want to let her, but the window is jammed, it does’nt open!!!
When Hillary Clinton was in second grade the teacher gave a suprise math quiz and asked her “what’s 1+1?” When she successfully answered the question, all the blondes in her class started chanting “give her another chance! Give her another chance! …..!!!
It’s 2012 and it’s the Olympics in London. A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they haven’t got tickets. The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate. “McTavish, Scotland ” he says, “Discus Team” and in he walks. The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder. “Waddington-Smythe, England” he says, “Pole vault” and in he walks. The Irishman looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm. “O’Malley, Ireland ” he says, “Fencing.”
??I do ten sit ups every morning. It might not sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Osama Bin Laden was once taking a long distance train somewhere in Europe and sitting in the first class section. A heimeshe yid was also sitting there and smoking. So Osama tells the Jew, “I can’t stand it, put out your cigarette”. The Jew answers him back, you don’t belong in first class, so you have no right to object.
When the conducter came a few minutes later to check the tickets, the Jew says “make sure to check that guy with the turban I have a feeling he does’nt belong in first class!”
Sure enough Bin Laden’s ticket was for third class. When they later both got off at the same station, Bin Laden humbly asked the Jew “you were right about my ticket, but how did you know???”
The Jew answered him: “I saw your ticket sticking out of your pocket and it was the same color as mine!!!
A Jew is sitting on the train minding his own business, when Osama approaches him and tells him rudely to take his bags off the seat. The Jew ignores him and hums a merry tune. “yuddi duddi dei dei…” Osama gets mad and tells him that if he doesn’t remove the bags instantly, he will throw it off the train.
“yuddi duddi dei dei…”
In a rage, Osama takes the bags one by one and chucks it out the window. All the while the Jew is smiling and singing “yuddi duddi dei dei…”. Osama can’t believe it. He turns to the Jew and says “Jew why are you smiling?” “Because,” says the Jew,” those were not my bags.”
getzel, u r funny!!
getzel- I second that your jokes make me roll
anxiously waiting for another joke from you, getzel
What’s the difference between Osama and Obama?
The BS
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
3. Its always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
4. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
5. Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.
12. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
13. Some days you’re the bug; some days you’re the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like ‘The Force.’ It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing. Neither one works.
19 Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.