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Are you sure the animals won’t protest that you are saying THEIR shira?
;
To Jewess,
Two cannibals were eating dinner -one said to the other- “I hate my ex-wife”. So his friend replied -“So just eat the potatoes”.
To Jewess,
What’s the difference between an obese woman on a diet and a drunk?
Tomorrow the drunk will be sober!
back in the 80’s there were a number of engineers who played in a modestly popular country & western band in the Boston area. Not one looked as if he had been west of the Mississippi.
The name of the band: Texas Instruments.
Barrack Obama was touring the countryside in his chauffeur-driven limo.
Suddenly, a male donkey jumps out onto the road, they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.
The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.
Hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.
I love these jokes!
Please don’t repeat your posts 6 times
on vacation,a woman and her husband had to make an emergency visit to the dentist.”I want a tooth pulled”,the woman demanded.And dont bother with the Novocain either,because we’re really in a hurry.Just take out the tooth and we’ll be on our way.”The dentist was impressed.”You’re certainly a very brave woman!Which tooth is it?The woman pushed her husband forward.”Show him your tooth, dear”.
To join the other politicians who didn’t voice their objections to Obama Care.
In the former Soviet Union, Stalin goes to visit a kindergarten. He makes conversation by asking the children what they would like to be when they grow up.
He starts with the first child.
“Who’s your mother?”
“Mother Russia”
Who’s your father?”
“Father Stalin”
“What would you like to be when you grow up?”
“A Doctor”
He goes on to the next child and asks the same questions.
“…Mother Russia…Father Stalin…a nurse”
He goes through the class until he finally reaches the last child.
“Who’s your mother?”
“Mother Russia”
“Who’s your father?”
“Father Stalin”
“What do you want to be when you grow up?”
“An orphan”
BS”D
The rov of a shtibl on a busy commercial street was shocked to discover security camera footage proving that the fire damage caused to his shtibl by the incineration of the neighboring kosher butcher shop was not an act of anti-Semitism. Instead, it was the work of the butcher himself, who torched his own shop and let the fire just scorch the shtibl so that it looked like anti-Semitism.
In order to get the insurance due to him and to get an innocent local kid off the hook, the rov had to testify against the butcher, his childhood friend, who was aptly named Feivish Feuerstein. Keeping in mind the halachos involved, the rov was very, very reluctant to testify in a non-Jewish court, but he knew he had to do so nevertheless. He also knew that it was far from being Feivish’s first incendiary offense, as the store had been torched several times in the recent past.
The judge asked: “Rabbi, how well do you know the defendant? What can you say about him?”
And the rabbi replied: “Oy, your honor, I have known Feivish since we were children in the old country. Let me tell you something, all his life, he was a very special person. He did eveything with such a bren, you know, such a fire, he davened mit a bren, he learned mit a bren, and it was such a great fire, it always spread from one place to another, from his store to my shil, you know what I mean…”
Needless to say, Feivish now learns in Federal Koilel.
BS”D
Mechel Schwartz is a Ponzi scammer and insurance fraudster who manages to get a verdict of not guilty by reason of insanity, so that he is sent off to a beis mishegoyim. As soon as he arrives, Schwartz, a haimishe oisvorf who hasn’t kept Shabbos in 30 years, demands all of his religious rights as a Jew, including glatt kosher food, and exemption from all therapy on Shabbos.
All is going well until one day, his psychiatrist, Dr Goldstein, catches him on Shabbos not only smoking a cigar, but trying to sell him smuggled Cuban cigars for $50 each.
“Schwartz, what are you doing to me? I got you kosher food, no basket weaving on Shabbos and Yom Tov, a Shabbos timer, permission for your wife to bensch licht in your room, and THIS is what you do to me? Smoking on Shabbos, and selling phony Cuban cigars for five times the right price besides?”
“Dr Goldstein, you forget, I’m criminally insane!”
OMG!
BS”D
Yankel ended up in some very serious trouble when sent to EY to “learn” and he wound up in prison for three years. So, everyone was shocked to find out that upon his return to the US, he became engaged to a very eidel girl from a choshuve family. Finally, one of his friends asked him how he managed to pull it off. He replied: “It wasn’t me. It was my shadchonis. She told her father that I was such a good learner, they paid me to stay in EY for three years!”
—-
EY is the only place where you can find guys named Zakai in prison!
BS”D
Finally, a donor was found for a new ultra-kanoishe yeshive and tznius patrol training center in Yerushalayim.
The schnorrer-in-chief (fundraising director) asked the donor, a hymishe New Yorker, what he wanted put on the entrance plaques.
“Maybe you can make me two pleks? One mit myne nomen and one in the honer from Brooklyn Union Ges, or whatever it iz kallt now, eppes Keyspen?”
“Of course – but why?”
“If it wasn’t far all de ges explosions I am havink in myne bildinks over the past year, you tink I ken give all de gelt far dann naye yeshive in dis kind from an economy?”
“Yes, so this is not a problem. But tell me, what is the right name I should use?”
“How I am supposed to know? You tink I ever paid myne ges bills in the lest ten years? I just pay enough dey ken turn it on lang enough far mir tzi machn an explosion!”
A store owner makes a sign to hang in his window:
FRESH FISH SOLD HERE
A critic walks into the store and asks the owner if he would like his store critiqued. He says yes.
“Well, first thing’s the sign,” says the critic. “‘Fresh Fish Sold Here’? Well, where else would you sell ’em?”
FRESH FISH SOLD
“‘Fresh Fish Sold’. What else would you be doing, giving ’em away?”
FRESH FISH
“‘Fresh Fish’. Kinda obvious. Would you sell rotting fish?”
FISH
“‘Fish’. People walk by, they see a fish in the window. What do they think you sell, chicken?”
Old as the hills, Joe.
Annie: most jokes here are quite old, but still funny. They brighten my day!
yossel the truck driver one time stopped at a rest stop. He sat on a side table eating his kosher food , when in walked seven skin headed motorcycle men. After taking a few drinks they go over to yussel and start botheing him. one guy pushed him the next guy kicked him and they each took there turn on him. when they were done yussel gets up dusts himself off goes to the cashier pays, and walks out. The motorcycle men go over to the cashier and say,, that jew- he aint much of a man. he runs away… the cashier replied he aint much a driver either his truck just ran over 7 motorcycles…
if pro is the opposite of con– congress is the opposite of progress
HASHEM IS EVERYWHERE: Try reposting your joke in this thread.
Two blondes are walking when they see a set of tracks. They look closer and get into a heated arguement about whether they are deer or bear tracks. They were still argueing when the train hit them.
A rabbi boarded a train one day and as he was sitting there, 3 teenagers decided to have some fun with him, so each one passed by him and the 1st one said: Good evening Father Abraham, the 2nd: Good evening Father Isaac, and the 3rd: Good evening Father Jacob. The rabbi quickly responded, I am none of them, rather I am Shaul ben Kish who went out to look for his 3 donkeys, it seems I have found them!
A Texan was visiting New York and he heard from a couple of friends that when he goes there he has to try a great dish: A bagel with lox and cream cheese. Sure enough, he tries it as soon as he gets there and loves it. He eats it every day until the end of his stay. On his last day he goes over to the owner of the restaurant and hands him a 50, and says, “I’ve been having bagels with lox and cream cheese for a few weeks already and I love it, but can you please tell me one thing, which one is the bagel and which one is the lox?
Henry Kissinger was having a discussion with Golda Meir, and he said, I should have you know that when it comes to me, first I’m Secretary of State, then I’m an American, and then I’m Jewish. Her response was, don’t worry, in Israel we read from right to left.
A rabbi boarded a train one day and as he was sitting there, 3 teenagers decided to have some fun with him, so each one passed by him and the 1st one said: Good evening Father Abraham, the 2nd: Good evening Father Isaac, and the 3rd: Good evening Father Jacob. The rabbi quickly responded, I am none of them, rather I am Shaul ben Kish who went out to look for his 3 donkeys, it seems I have found them!
BS”D
A true version of this goes as follows:
A well known rav and askan with many connections in government and business circles was traveling by train. He was approached by a highly assimilated maskil who asked his name, and when finding out who he was addressing, he was shocked.
So, he said: “I did not know Rav () was so old-fashioned. I was expecting a modern type…”
The rav replied: “On the contrary, it is YOU who are old fashioned. Does it not say ‘mitchila oivdei avoido zoro hoyu avoisenu….'”
(I wish I could remember who this maaseh involved – it took place before WWI, I believe in “Lita”).
BS”D
A fire broke out in a plastics plant somewhere in the mountains. The distraught owner was insured, but he desperately needed for the volunteer firefighters to retrieve a sheaf of documents which contained details of his exclusive manufacturing processes.
So, he offered $200,000 to any firefighter who was brave enough to enter his office and retrieve the documents.
No one volunteered – and then suddenly came brave Lybish Vertzberger fin der New Joel volunteer fire department, who happens to be a copy machine repairman in civilian life. He drove his fire engine straight into the mess, put out the fire, and listened carefully as the owner screamed out the description of the papers and told him where to find them.
An hour later, Vertzberger appeared, documents in hand, and practically unscathed except for some soot covering his face, beard and payos. The relieved owner handed him $200,000 in cash in exchange for the documents and asked him what he was planning to do with his money:
The answer was fast in coming: “First from all, also I fix your Xerox machine so you owes me noch $20. Anyway, not to worry because mit der money I open a naye plastics plant in New Joel. Den I getz a few oisvorfen to make a few fires by all myne new competitors a plants so I ken make more reskues like dis!”
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He
gets into the taxi and the cabbie says,
“Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”
Passenger: “Who?”
Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the
time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that
to Frank Feldman every single time.”
Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have
won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like
an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have
heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”
Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”
Cabbie: “There’s more … He had a memory like a computer. He
remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and
which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I
change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do
everything right.”
Passenger: “Wow, some guy then.”
Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid
traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But
Frank,he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make
her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the
wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was
the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank
Feldman.”
Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”
Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Frank. He died … I’m married to
his widow.”
This is just beautiful !
GREAT STORY, and it underscores the idea that when you point your finger at someone, three of your fingers point back at yourself!!!
The President’s Suit
As you know President Obama just returned from China. While he was
there the premier of China gave him a gift of a beautiful bolt of
cloth. When President Obama returned he wanted to have a suit made
from the cloth so he called a tailor on London’s famous Seville Row to
come over and make him a suit.
When the tailor arrived he measured the President and he measured the
cloth and declared that he could not make him a suit. “There is not
enough material” the tailor said.
The President was disappointed but after thinking about it for a while
he called the French Ambassador and asked him if he could recommend a
French tailor that could make him a suit.
The Ambassador said that he would have one of France’s top men’s
designers flown over
to make him a suit.
When the French designer arrived he measured the President and he
measured the cloth and declared that he could not make him a suit.
“There is not enough material” the designer said.
President Obama was disappointed and happened to mention the problem
to the Israeli Ambassador. The Ambassador told him not to worry. He
knew of a tailor in Israel that could make him a suit from this fine
cloth.
A few days later Yankel shows up at the White House. He measured the
President and he measured the cloth and told him that not only would
he make him a suit but a vest and an extra pair of pants to go with
it.
Stunned the President asked how this Israeli tailor could not only
make him a suit but a vest and an extra pair of pants when the English
and French tailors said that there was not enough material.
The Israeli tailor looked at President Obama and said,
“Mr. President, in Israel you are not such a big man”
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job.
Okay, honey, the sheriff drawled, what is 1 and 1? Eleven, she replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, that’s not what I meant, but she’s right.
Then the sheriff asked what two days of the week start with the letter T? Today and tomorrow, she replied. He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
Now, listen carefully, who killed Abraham Lincoln? asked the sheriff. The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, I don’t know. The sheriff replied, Well, why don’t you go on and work on that one for a while?
So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her buds were waiting to hear the results of the interview. The blonde was overjoyed. It went great! First day on the job and I’m already working on a murder case!
BS”D
How do we know that Gan Eden is in Gruziya (Georgia)? Is it not written: “biSHVILI nivra haoilam”?
RECESSION – When your neighbor loses his job
DEPRESSION – When you lose yours
RECOVERY – When Obama loses his
LET ME SEE IF I
> GOT THIS RIGHT…
>
> IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN
> BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD
> LABOR.
>
> IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER
> ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED
> INDEFINITELY.
>
>
> IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU GET
> SHOT.
>
> IF YOU CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE
> JAILED.
>
IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER
> ILLEGALLY YOU MAY NEVER BE HEARD FROM
> AGAIN.
>
>
> IF YOU CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER
> ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE BRANDED A SPY AND YOUR FATE WILL BE
> SEALED.
>
> IF YOU CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER
> ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE THROWN INTO POLITICAL PRISON TO
> ROT.
>
IF YOU CROSS THE U.S. BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU
> GET
>
>
> 1 – A JOB,
> 2 – A DRIVERS LICENSE,
> 3 – SOCIAL SECURITY CARD,
>> 4 – WELFARE,
> 5 – FOOD STAMPS,
>> 6 – CREDIT CARDS,
> 7 – SUBSIDIZED RENT OR A LOAN TO BUY A
> HOUSE,
> 8 – FREE EDUCATION,
> 9 – FREE HEALTH CARE,
> 10 – A LOBBYIST IN WASHINGTON
> 11 – BILLIONS OF DOLLARS WORTH OF PUBLIC
> DOCUMENTS PRINTED IN YOUR LANGUAGE
> 13 – AND YOU CAN VOTE DEMOCRAT.
>
> I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE I HAD A FIRM GRASP ON THE
>
POSTER:
That one’s not a joke at all. It’s quite sad!!
But still a good one though…
Wife comes home, finds her husband bent over studing their kesuba. 3 hours later he’s still studying it.
She asks, “what are you looking for??”
He replies, “the expiry date.”
NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!!!
ALL ARE WELCOME
OPEN TO MEN ONLY
Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants
sign up early and get a discount on registration
The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:
DAY ONE
HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation
TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)
DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.
LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming – Open forum
DAY TWO
EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play
HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation
REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did
IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation
HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques
REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU’RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class
GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available
Getzel, thanks for a really good and much-needed laugh!
That’s kinda like the man who saw a man with a dog and asked the man if his dog bites. The man said no, whereupon the firstman went to pet the dog and was immediately bitten by it. “I thought you said your dog doesn’t bite!” He yelled indignantly. “I did, and he don’t,” replied the man, “that ain’t my dog!”
A blonde decides to show her husband that despite what everyone says, blondes really are smart.
While her husband is at work, she decides that she is going to paint the living room in their house. So the next day as soon as he leaves, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home after work and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a parka and a mink. He asks her what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the room.
He says that he was impressed at the good job she had done, but what’s with her wearing the two coats?
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, ”FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS!”
Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money.
They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash.
Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill.
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