Hasn't gotten a date

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  • #1070334

    Vogue
    Member

    I hear that, but i know people who have taken bipolar medication. The problem with it is that as with many psychiatric medications. I know there are people with bipolar who are amazing people, but they often have ti switch and by the time you find the right medication, you have to switch again. It is a very tough nisayon and I do not feel that i am equipped given my life cicrumstances i am not able to cater to having a spouse with that issue or other similar issues. I can deal with adhd/add, i personally have that somewhat myself and do not take medication. I can have someone with a bit of a learning disability as long as it does not stop them from functioning at a full level. I am looking for a human being, and other medical conditios, not ideal like certain allergies, i can handle too, but for me, many mental health disorders, I can’t handle.

    #1070336

    Correction:

    “I assume he mentions the bracketed part because we can assume that”

    should read “Presumably,”.

    Also, I forgot to mention that in the future, I think you should mention when the teshuva you’re quoting is by a Modern Orthodox rav, as I’m sure some of us would not give such an opinion as much weight.

    Do you think I should read the rest of the teshuva, Patur?

    #1070338

    Patur (and anyone else interested), how would you explain this line of the Radak (from your first quote)?

    ???? ??? ????? ????? ?????? ??? ???? ????? ????? ???

    My question is, how is ????? ??? connected to their wives being beautiful? (It also needs to make sense for ???????? ???? ?????,

    unless you want to explain that differently.)

    as being about complexion, and ??? ???? as about the shape of the face.

    one for men and one for women.

    I thought of explaining ????? ????? ??? as about

    Do you have any more possible explanations, or perhaps

    a better understanding of one of mine?

    #1070341

    Vogue
    Member

    In my case, I have a number of reasons that I haven’t gotten anywhere. One of them is that even though I am very chareidi in mindset/ hashkafa / mentality, I do not come across that way because I am very articulate, stylish, and broadminded. But there is a difference between broadminded and open-minded. Broadminded people are accepting of those who are not like them, opem-minded people are people who would let anything go as long as it doesn’t drive them insane.

    #1070342

    Joseph
    Participant

    How and in what way is your broadminded mindset and stylishness noticed by others? (Obviously they must be if you attribute your lack of dates to those factors.)

    #1070343

    Health
    Participant

    Patur Aval Assur -“The ??? ???? quotes an answer that min hadin a woman does not have to get married at all and “??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ????” is an eitzah tovah.

    So to conclude, there are definitely grounds to argue that a woman is not obligated to get married. DaasYochid, the thing that bygirl93 said “correct me if I’m wrong” on was ??? ????, so even if you are right that there is a different obligation, bygirl93 was still correct and therefore you were not actually correcting her for being wrong. However, the lashon you used was “that is not the only reason to get married” which does not necessarily indicate that you think that there is an obligation to get married, but merely a reason to get married. But Health explicitly stated that there is an obligation, so this post is primarily a response to him, pointing out that it’s not so pashut.”

    I know the ??? ???? & it’s a Chiddush; not Pashut P’shat in the S’A!

    From the topic that I started:

    “Who wants to be a Tzadaikes like Rus?”

    “Health,

    moi aussi -“Shulchan Aruch, Even HaEzer 1:13:

    “lo teshev isho belo ish shelo techoshed”

    a woman should not remain without a husband because of suspicion”

    Yes, this is the way we Pasken!

    “Hilchot Issurei Biyah

    “shelo yiso zoken yalda shedovor zeh gorem l’znus”

    an old man shall not marry a young woman as this will lead to adultery”

    Mentioned above previously -it says Yalda -a girl less than 12, not young woman!

    “Yevamot 101b

    “k’lech etsel shekmosech ve’al tachnis ketata letoch beisech”

    a man shall marry a woman of his age and not bring strife into his home”

    This was discussed on page 1 & 2 of this topic! Please read all posts before posting.

    “Hilchot Issurei Biyah 21:26

    “reshus le’isho shelo tinoseh le’olam”

    a woman has permission not to ever marry”

    The Rambam is a Rishon. We Pasken like the Shulchan Aruch.

    “Reb Akiva Eiger

    In a place where there’s no suspicion, a woman has no obligation to marry”

    This means a town with No men or just Men whom can’t have kids. In other words bascially an all Women town.

    So it comes out a Woman has a CHIYUV to get married!”

    #1070344

    This is suprisingly lomdishe conversation for a shidduch thread.

    I am not a dating expert, but one random try is to see if any boys are available in nearby out-of-town communities. Example Chicago – Cleveland, Milwalkee, Detroit etc, Though these communities might also have more girls than boys; however, older boys have probably been dated or either side has decided not to date the ones available. At the same time, the boys likely do not want to travel to NY/NJ either. Worth a try to contact those towns shadcanim.

    If one thinks – well if no one wanted to marry them, so why would I?

    I wouldn’t say this to the person…but the answer is and how old are you? But you are still a nice person.

    #1070345

    Vogue
    Member

    So in my particular situation, I had a mental barrier that I ended up getting an opportunity BH to plow through over the past five months. The issue I had before decided to confront it was that even though I knew what my hashkafa was at the time, I feared it. Also, generally speaking (as a BT who has been involved over my journey with at least seven kiruv organizations of all types of hashkafos ranging from modern orthodox to modern yeshivish to greasy yeshivish to chassidish influence and chassidish, I have noticed that in most cases, kiruv professionals prefer to direct BTs to the left. Their reasoning is typically b/c going very far to the right too quickly can make one go completely off the derech.

    An extreme case would be someone who was in ncsy for five months and decided month four to start keeping shabbos three months later it was august and he decided to switch to a yeshiva that did not allow students to have cell phones. I would be shocked if such a bochur did not end up going off the derech.

    My case is one in which although I had a significant Jewish affiliation that was not Orthodox before becoming frum, I took it very “slowly”. I knew within a year after starting to keep shabbos what my general conceptual direction was going to be even though I couldn’t put it into words. It took me a very long time to identify with words the hashkafa I need, but then the issue was that I needed to take action but something prevented me from doing that.

    #1070346

    Joseph
    Participant

    Sounds like you could benefit with a shiddich of a gentleman with a similar background, something along the lines of being BT with a very Chareidi outlook with a couple of asterisks to that qualfication like yourself. (Of course the details can vary.)

    #1070347

    Patur Aval Assur
    Participant

    Also, I forgot to mention that in the future, I think you should mention when the teshuva you’re quoting is by a Modern Orthodox rav, as I’m sure some of us would not give such an opinion as much weight.

    While his constituency is largely “Modern Orthodox” I’m not sure he would identify himself as such.

    Patur (and anyone else interested), how would you explain this line of the Radak (from your first quote)?

    ???? ??? ????? ????? ?????? ??? ???? ????? ????? ???

    My question is, how is ????? ??? connected to their wives being beautiful? (It also needs to make sense for ???????? ???? ?????,

    unless you want to explain that differently.)… Do you have any more possible explanations, or perhaps a better understanding of one of mine?

    Here are two possibilities:

    1) ??? is referring to the wives. I know it’s dochek. But see Gittin 58a which says:

    ??? ???? ????? ?? ??? ??????? ?????? ????? ?????? ??? ???? ?????? ???????? ?????? ??????? ???? ????? ????? ??? ????? ????? ????? ???????? ??????

    Rashi explains:

    ?????? ????????. ????? ???? ????????? ??? ???????? ?????

    The Maharal is even more explicit:

    ?????? ??’. ????? ???? ????? ????? ???? ????? ??? ????? ?????? ???? ????? ?????? ??????? ????? ???? ?? ??? ?????? ??? ????? ????? ???? ?????? ???? ????? ???? ???? ??? ????? ??????? ???? ???? ?????? ???? ?? ???? ????? ???? ??????? ????? ??? ?? ????? ????? ???? ????? ???? ????? ???? ?????? ????? ???? ???? ??? ????? ???? ?? ???? ?????? ????? ?????? ????? ????

    I deliberately wrote “Answer 2: They wanted their children to be beautiful and to look like them” with “them” being somewhat ambiguous, to leave open this possibility.

    2) ????? ??? doesn’t mean that they will look like them; it means that they will be beautiful just like their fathers were beautiful.

    Health:

    I don’t see anything in what you wrote that addresses any of my points.

    #1070348

    Health
    Participant

    PAA-“Health: I don’t see anything in what you wrote that addresses any of my points.”

    These points:

    What took so long to post your response?

    “The ??? ???? quotes an answer that min hadin a woman does not have to get married at all and “??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ????” is an eitzah tovah.

    So to conclude, there are definitely grounds to argue that a woman is not obligated to get married. But Health explicitly stated that there is an obligation, so this post is primarily a response to him, pointing out that it’s not so pashut.

    Even if there is no obligation for her to get married, she”

    #1070349

    Patur Aval Assur
    Participant

    Health:

    I didn’t say that I don’t know which point(s) you were addressing. I said that what you said didn’t address them.

    #1070350

    oomis
    Participant

    Ftr, two beautiful looking parents may produce a plain child, and two

    homely people can produce a very visually stunning child. It’s all in how Hashem combines the genes.

    #1070351

    Health
    Participant

    PAA- Yah see- if you were just talking to me, I wouldn’t have responded, but this is a public forum. People here will think that we Paskin like the Baer Haytiv. And most likely we don’t! What was your purpose in quoting him?

    #1070352

    Patur Aval Assur
    Participant

    A definitive statement was issued that it is categorically assur for a woman to not get married. I pointed out that this issur is not mentioned by the Tur nor by the Mechaber, and the Rambam and Rema who do mention it, don’t use the lashon of “assur”. Furthermore the Rambam seems to contradict himself. Of the several proposed resolutions, some of them assume that women are categorically obligated to get married. However, the Ba’er Heitev’s explanation is that it’s an eitza tova, and according to others there are ways of mitigating the issue of chashad (e.g. living at home). Why should I not point this out? If you think we pasken that there is a categorical obligation for a woman to get married then by all means document it.

    #1070353

    Joseph
    Participant

    What is the Rema’s loshon in describing that women must marry? The general rule is that Ashkenazim pasken in accordance with the Rema.

    #1070354

    Patur Aval Assur
    Participant

    ??”? ?”? ??? ????? ??? ??? ???? ????

    #1070355

    Health
    Participant

    Patur Aval Assur -“A definitive statement was issued that it is categorically assur for a woman to not get married.”

    True!

    “I pointed out that this issur is not mentioned by the Tur nor by the Mechaber, and the Rambam and Rema who do mention it, don’t use the lashon of “assur”. Furthermore the Rambam seems to contradict himself.”

    So therefore?

    “Of the several proposed resolutions, some of them assume that women are categorically obligated to get married.”

    This is also true.

    “However, the Ba’er Heitev’s explanation is that it’s an eitza tova,”

    Why should we Pasken like him???

    “and according to others there are ways of mitigating the issue of chashad (e.g. living at home).”

    Source(s), please!

    “If you think we pasken that there is a categorical obligation for a woman to get married then by all means document it.”

    I do & I did above & also in the topic that I started:

    “Who wants to be a Tzadaikes like Rus?”!

    #1070356

    Patur Aval Assur
    Participant

    So therefore?

    Therefore, it weakens your case that it is categorically assur.

    Why should we Pasken like him???

    I never said we should. I said that it’s a machlokes and therefore not as pashut as you made it out yo be.

    #1070357

    Health
    Participant

    PAA-“Therefore, it weakens your case that it is categorically assur.”

    No it doesn’t! Anymore than if s/o Paskins like Bais Shammy over Bais Hillel. Or the Mechaber over the Rema!

    “I never said we should. I said that it’s a machlokes and therefore not as pashut as you made it out yo be.”

    It is so Pashut; as I just explained!

    #1070358

    balancehumanbalance
    Participant

    My friend is engaged! Mazal Tov!

    #1070359

    showjoe
    Participant

    mazal tov!

    #1070360

    oyyoyyoy
    Participant

    big mazal tov!

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