If Nassi is wrong, how do you explain why 1000’s of older girls are stil single?

Home Forums Decaffeinated Coffee If Nassi is wrong, how do you explain why 1000’s of older girls are stil single?

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  • #1670312

    justme22
    Participant

    Global warming or not global
    Warming we all don’t want a polluted world so perhaps it makes no difference if there is a crisis or not a crisis some people do need assistance in order to get married. And all ideas discussed should be considered.
    Often when you get older the gilt stays inspire , older single boys are bit more burned out from learning so many years. The boys go through intense yeshiva from a young age and what’s expected from the boys in those years if one stays single is hard not to be burned out ( burned out is not off the derech ) on the other hand girls don’t have it intense as far Yiddishkeit and they continue to want that same “frumy” guy that recent seminary experiences recommended.
    Of course the above doesn’t apply to every crisis case.
    -Another problem is that we are too segregated ladies often only know single woman , men only know single men and hardly anyone knows both groups. Many judge mingling on shabbos meals etc.
    – boys might be getting more names because of the simple reason that it is considered courteous to the girl to ask the boy first , perhaps if the girl was asked first and were the ones to say no the boys would get less names.
    – yidishkeit has changed so much it would it seem thus dividing the religion into tooo many religions ( Lakewood , tv no tv, learners not learners , kollel plans va no killer plans , etc etc
    – even in a bad economy some people get jobs some don’t and even in a great economy some don’t get jobs and perhaps is not because there are no jobs but rather because is not a match or the person is too picky with jobs . So crisis or no crisis what can we do to help the individual. Honesty can help.
    – then there is mental health , secrets , personal fears about marriage or intimacy, parents divorced , or different.
    – been single till late make on more distant from the community many times.

    I would suggest setting up an amount of money one would pay the shadchan let’s say 1k , for every schiduch the Shadchan sets up and doesn’t end up with an engagement the price of Shadchanus goes down 10% this incentives the Shadchan to not be setting up randomly with out giving thought.
    – I hate to write this people do judge the book by the cover and often girls and boys can get some help improving things that Shadchanim are often hearing been said about the boy or girl.
    – Girls are so accomplished now days often boys a bit less accomplished feel that the girl won’t accept them or that they won’t be equals at home and in order to protect their self value they just say no the girl. We don’t have many marriages were the husband is the stay at home dad by us.
    Any way shiduch or no shiduch crisis there is much room for creativity with each particular case and instead of speculating having a good conversation with the single as to why they themselves think they are single Might help us help them.
    After all even if in the “crisis” most of their friends did get a partner in crime.
    More mixed meals and events would be helpful.
    If there is in fact such crisis perhaps it would make sense to add a misheberach in Shul for singles to get married.
    We also have a vulnerability issue in our community we are afraid to share many things publicly that might attract others ( stupid things like wanting to go to movies it’s often not shared , simple mental health issues such as taking minor doses of stuff for anxiety are often public knowledge in the secular world we have a long way to go in learning to be vulnerable share things as a family financial crisis , religious views etc )
    Just typed everything that came to my mind
    Let’s pray for all the singles and their families and for those who are married and wish they weren’t r”l

    #1670313

    FSM
    Participant

    1000s of girls? for every unmarried girl there’s an unmarried boy. why do you only mention one side of it? boys don’t matter to you? ahavas yisroel only applies to females?

    #1670314

    FSM
    Participant

    ” a large percentage of boys in the frum so called chareidi circles are just not marriageable material”

    this comment isn’t telling us of the problem but is the problem itself, this ridiculously negative view of the boys, a sexism if you will, there is no higher percentage of problematic boys than girls, standards differ, if a girl puts on a dress she’s wonderful, if the boy doesn’t learn 12 hours a day he’s horrible, that’s the attitude, i know many fine unmarried boys who just aren’t kollel types

    #1670501

    Uncle Ben
    Participant

    Justme; Please check over your posts for spelling and grammar errors before posting.
    Also try to condense your thoughts so people with ADD will follow you.
    How about; Let’s have co-ed dating events for burnt out working boys open to singles taking low doses of medication.

    #1670529

    Gadolhadorah
    Participant

    Bisboy: Move to Utah, change your name to Reb Gershon and start a polygamous chassidus.

    To those who attribute the shidduch crisis to the increasing “independence” of seminary girls et. al. who learn to have their own opinions and are able to assess a bochur as a potential life-partner, I would view this as a net positive but I suspect that would not be the consensus view here among those who conflate independence and secular education among jewish women with “feminism”.

    #1670560

    Workingbochur95
    Participant

    From my personal experience, his organization is hurting these single girls because they are very stubborn and exclusive with the bochurim they will interview!!

    I’m a bochur who has been to trying to reach Rabbi Friedman for a while, and whenever I do, his secretary incoherently responds that he is not accepting appointments at the time. They have since blocked my number from contacting them. All while complaining about too many single girls!!!

    edited

    #1670769

    avocado
    Participant

    Shout out to all the singles out there who actually live the shidduch crisis every day.
    Davening for you all
    I know how hard it is

    #1670785

    Haimy
    Participant

    There are many more older single girls than boys. There are moremore typical single older girls than typical boys. The many older typical single girls are having hard time finding a spouse from the fewer typical older boys left.
    Why are there so few typical older boys left? The rest of them married girls 2-4 years younger than them.

    #1670788

    Gadolhadorah
    Participant

    Hey Haimy…..what is a “typical” single guy or single girl?? Specifically, what attributes make them “typical”??

    #1670837

    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    I think he means having mainstream yeshivish/BY hashkafos, reasonably intelligent, decent looking, neat and presentable, personable, decent conversationalist, in good physical and emotional health etc.

    In short, someone with no glaring reasons why they shouldn’t be able to find a shidduch in the yeshiva world.

    #1670892

    Blessed by the Best
    Participant

    Pretty simple.
    1. More girls are concerned to make themselves resumes as apposed to guys who are less concerned. At age 30, of my 20 peers that are still single I was the only one with a resume.
    2. At age 30, I believe there are more divorced girls than never married. Nassi is a great project for someone to make himself feel good that he’s contributing to society in a positive way, but in fact he’s really just creating a better market for the marriage counseling industry.

    #1670946

    Joseph
    Participant

    “At age 30, I believe there are more divorced girls than never married.”

    This is wildly inaccurate.

    #1670970

    Eli51
    Participant

    The crisis is that many singles either don’t date good perspective matches or listening to bad advice from freinds instead of Rabbonim or rebbeim whether to break of with perspective matches or not. Who knows how many of the older singles have rejected their basherts for whatever reason.

    #1671650

    Blessed by the Best
    Participant

    Joseph.

    And your statement is based on what facts?
    As someone who is dating, most girls over 27 say that from their graduating class, there are more divorced than Single.
    I welcome your thoughts.

    #1671685

    1
    Participant

    Because the seminary patriarchal welfare system is only meant for a few. Something that won’t be addressed at an askan convention.

    #1671720

    Health
    Participant

    chugibugi -The real reason for the so called SHIDUCH crisis with so many older single girls,is a very simple one and everybody knows it but hasn’t the guts to come out and say it.
    the reason is a simple one ” a large percentage of boys in the frum so called chareidi circles are just not marriageable material,in other words they are simply boys with problems either off the derech either completely or half ways or just not frum enough or have problems with either “drinking or drugs or mental issues etc,etc”

    Your post emplifies the crux of the problem.
    If you would have said severe mental problems – that could be a correct point.
    But what you said shows where the real problem is – Not Frum Enough or Drink a little bit or some mental issues. You post – Not marriagable material!
    This is nothing New in this World; just Nowadays they label everything.
    In the older times there wasn’t these LABELS.

    The Unfortunate thing is they only Label Men/boys, Not Women/girls.
    They are both equal & this has been going on for generations!
    I wouldn’t be surprised if actually Women/girls have more problems, and because of the Goody – Two -Shoes – it’s Well HIDDEN.

    #1718284

    Seltzer
    Participant

    There’s a major problem with encouraging boys to simply date and marry younger.

    They’ll naturally want to marry girls their age (20-21) or younger, anyway, and all you’re left with is lots of young couples who are struggling, both emotionally and financially, as they aren’t mature enough to have a relationship independent of their parents and don’t have money because the boy is learning and the girl is halfway through her college degree and they now have a baby, and she can’t find a job that pays well enough to support the family AND pay the babysitter, and then what?

    What we should be doing is NOT encouraging younger boys to marry; It’s encouraging boys to marry OLDER girls. That way, the girl already completed her degree, has an income, has the maturity that is brought about through life experience, and can pass that on to her husband, who should be grateful he can now learn in kollel and be supported.

    Take it from me. My wife is several years older than me. And not only is our marriage amazing (6+ years, so far), our age difference has never been an important factor in ANYTHING.

    #1718362

    Joseph
    Participant

    I just saw an advertisement in one of the main yeshivishe weekly newspapers that (in big letters) told boys aged 21 who aren’t dating yet that THEY are responsible for the “shidduch crisis” of girls being unable to get married. It directs them to a NASI website where it implores the boys to start dating/getting married at 21, advises them to leave Yeshiva in Eretz Yisroel earlier, start the shidduch process while in Yeshiva in EY or better yet go to an American Beis Medrash instead of one in EY.

    #1718428

    writer
    Participant

    Problem is most girls who are settled expect no less from the guy if not more. So the fact that they have a steady income actually goes against a guy who has a regular job or no diploma. If a girl truly wanted to marry, they shouldn’t be turning it into a competition of who makes more. As long as the guy is good and a hard worker there should be no reason to dismiss unless these girls just want to stay single over their false pride. Some still feel they are 20 years old with so many options. Besides what is more true in life, true happiness with the person you want to be with forever or some extra paper? Especially if the woman is settled she has no excuse if she found a good guy by rejecting him due to finances. Even a poor life with the partner who is your true love is worth more than a life of leisure with someone who isn’t. It’s worth everything in this short life in my opinion. Nothing compares to having that person as yours.

    #1718447

    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    Poor lives tend to be shorter.

    #1718671

    writer
    Participant

    Rebyid- lives of true love tend to be longest. And being poor as well was just an extreme example. You can have an average life and be happy with what you have and have a true mutual live which lasts longer and more meaningful than anything. Don’t necessarily need to be poor it’s not either or. And rather than being blinded by money and influences from all sides family,friends,shadchanim who put in false criteria to look into a guy when it just ruins many potential matches.

    Yes money is important and my examples include a guy who is hard working but just has an average parnassah. Isn’t the everlasting outcome of marriage the actual person who you marry or is it the money which is temporary? I think girls/woman need to reprogram their minds to what’s important. I don’t except girls to know this they are usually young and spoiled and easily influenced by others manipulation. But the problem is that the older girls were young once too and it only took then to reach age 30 and up to understand what the true importsnce of life is. Especially if they have a stable income. They could have shared their lives with someone but didn’t even consider since they expected the guy to make just as much or more. Was the competition worth it?

    #1718673

    writer
    Participant

    Besides how can you expect a guy who wants to get married and cannot because of all these criteria, how can you expect them to not get depressed or start drinking when they search their whole lives and just get broken cause of reasons that aren’t in their control. It’s sad that it comes to this. Look how many marriages where both husband and wife have well established careers and the marriages are worse than gehinom! Status means nothing. Yes you need parnassah but careers/money don’t declare anything as far as how good the marriage will be. When you take everything away from a person all that’s left of them is their kind heart and soul. The rest is a distraction.

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