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so my friend has been becoming frum for a few years now, and basically was put into the situation of the mashal that says when s/o’s becoming frum they should not be put in the rubberband situation which is if u stretch a rubberband to far its gonna bounce right back. meaning if s/o takes on too much at once they will very possibly drop e/t yiddishkeit. bh’ she has not dropped e/t chash vishalom,. she is really trying but she used to keep shabbos but now feels she just cant.she knows that its important but she just feels its really not interesting and she said shes tryed a bunch of times but just doesnt feel she can, shell just be so bored and feel she has to do something.i have tried to give her tons of advice on not taking too much upon herself at once but to maybe try little by little to keep shabbos, and soon enough itll feel normal again. not growing up with keeping shabbos and other mitzvos that seem so normal to us is very hard to all of a suddenjump into and seem normal.especialy alot of people try to make her feel that its eitherv e/t or nothing not realizing how hard it is for her, probably because they dont have much experience in kiruv and how it feels to go from one extreme to the other. if anyone has any advice on any of this or especially how to help her have an interest in shaboss , anything is aprteciated especialy if anyone knows from personal experiences or kiruv work! thankyou!
I’m not a rav, so I don’t know if this is in line with Halacha (please ask before doing anything) and I have no experience in Kiruv (not yet anyway 🙁 ) but maybe its possible to build up a little bit at a time. For example if she feels Shabbos is too much, maybe she can keep one part and then add to it over time. The benefit is that mentally it might seem easier and it gives her time to get used to it. Either way, tell her not to stop lighting candles.
Hatzlacha
Hi,
I am not saying that my approach is right and I don’t have much experience but the thought that occurred to me is that most importantly I think she would have to see the beauty in Shabbos in order for her to want to observe it more. I don’t really have any suggestions on specific books but sometimes a good book that explains the beauty and importance of Shabbos and what it means in terms of it being a special day where one can connect to his/her creator on a higher level. Also I would suggest if applicable, if she can somehow get involved with a Shabbos program that deals with children, i.e an oneg Shabbos or b’nos etc… where she will see the childrens joy in partaking in the beauty of Shabbos. Once the connection is in place I think things will fall more into place and she might be more interested in observing shabbos. Also I would suggest that as much as possible if she could somehow be invited to other peoples houses for Shabbos meals it would probably be good for her. Once again I don’t really have any experience just my thought. Hatzlacha.
I became ‘frum’ about 42 years ago when it was not in fashion. It is not about the mitzvos she is or not keeping but her emunah/belief in the Ribono Shel olam. If the doubts are there there then mitzvos are an issue however if emunah is strong work with that.
Is she married?If she is single and older Shabbos sometimes isnt fun.She should get a husband be’ezer hashem and Shabbos will be spent with him not some random family feeling akward for her.
“I became ‘frum’ about 42 years ago when it was not in fashion.”
beg pardon?
you said: she used to keep shabbos but now feels she just cant.she knows that its important but she just feels its really not interesting and she said shes tryed a bunch of times but just doesnt feel she can, shell just be so bored and feel she has to do something.
The most important thing here is that she should know that she has support. if you are her friend, then you should be inviting her for shabbos as often as possible, let her know that you’re there for her for whatever she needs, support her, encourage her, NEVER make her feel obligated to anything, and make sure she knows that no matter what happens, you will keep doing that. if her family doesn’t keep shabbos, then obviously its going to be incredibly hard for her. so open your home, make it a ‘safe haven’ and show her the beauty of shabbos with your family, and do whatever it is u do to entertain yourselves on shabbos, and I’m sure things will work out.
for the record, Im not a rav or anything, just a baal techuva whose been through a kiruv organization, who has done some kiruv. work, and thats what I think.
bombmaniac….
“”I became ‘frum’ about 42 years ago when it was not in fashion.”
beg pardon?”
…………….
As someone who became frum about Forty SEVEN years ago, I believe what “welldressed007” meant was, NOT that being frum was not in fashion, but that kiruv and baal teshuva movements and programs were not in fashion.
I have a close friend who went from 0-60 and unfortunately only lasted about a year and a half before falling back into old habits. BUT he still lets me know weeks where he DOES keep Shabbos because he knows there’s something there! I’m just supportive and hope that with time he will gradually get back on track. The danger of “all or nothing” for someone who wasn’t raised frum is real. I have a chavrusa who went more gradually and now is one of the best guys in Yeshiva because he was able to grow at his own pace.
I know someone who became frum with her husband and had a couple more children before she divorced him and is frei again. so sad for the kids you cannot imagine. i actually think she is a giyores and her husband is a baal teshuva. my parents made her wedding in our house. really sad!
First, I think she is struggling with the practical matter of how do I fill the hours (esp. summer) on Shabbos. The answer of course depends on whether she is married/with kids, or single. If single, she needs to find groups of singles in her community that get together on Shabbos, attend davening and shiurim, etc. Maybe try to make connections in other communities so she can vary her surroundings on Shabbos sometimes. Then, you bring up the issue of how to “disconnect” from electronics on Shabbos, this is neither a BT nor FFB issue, it is a 21st century issue. I believe it is Naaleh who has a campaign now to try to encourage people to separate from their devices for a period of time, to experiment and see if they can actually survive without the ipad, etc. This is a separate issue from Shabbos and if a person is so addicted that they cannot face life without the device, then the problem will extend into Shabbos.
If a family member is OTD, we need to express our disapproval and disappointment, but with a friend or acquaintance, we can be more open-minded and welcoming.
I have several acquaintances who are from the former Soviet Union, with very little contact with yiddishkeit before they came here. Anyway, I tell them that Judaism is something that is their birthright, and they should make it a part of their life. I encourage them to light Shabbos candles, and make Shabbos special. Restrictions and limitations can follow later.
Would something like NCSY be for her? I know Aish has something for college age but maybe if you contact them theres something for teens. (Unless you want to start something…? :))
I’m also a BT… I’d say learning is the way to go. She might not see the beauty of Shabbos (or Yiddishkeit) right now, but that vision can fade at times anyway. Why not focus on the fact that it’s the emes and we are here to improve ourselves and grow closer to HaKadosh Baruch Hu by living a life full of Torah? If she were a bit older, I’d say send her to a BT seminary. Maybe there’s some sort of BT teen learning program she can attend during a school vacation time? Gateways? Oorah? Reading something on basic emunah might help as well. She’s a lucky girl to have such caring friends to lean on!
i think the right approach is to help her do the positive, fun, enveloping aspects of shabbos. ie seudos, zemiros, going to shul. the ‘donts’ can be worked on after a positive association/relationship with shabbos has developed.
Why did she originally decide to become frum? I would suggest going to a Discovery weekend. I think they are provided by Aish, sorry not sure, been in EY too long. I came from a background where my sisters did teshuva more than 10 years before me, but I thought they were ??? (not normal in the head). Then I went to Discovery (didn’t know what it was or I might actually not have gone) and when I heard the talk about the codes and realized that it was all emes, I knew I had no choice but to do what was written. A lot of times people think they want to be frum on one level, but then the yetzer hara comes in and starts giving them excuses from making progress. Understanding the reasons for being frum help us be able to fight the YH.
happym19 – how did i realize that I didn’t need it… Baruch Hashem, I was involved with a great organization who showed me that I didn’t need it. it was hard at first, but I managed… things to do….?
chesed
learn
go for a walk…
i think its going to be hard to make her feel like its a regular day, because she knows its not… chesed might be your best bet…
B”H we have organizations who are more than adequately equipped to help deal with these types of situations, turn to them, they experts in this field proven time and time again. If you are sick do you ask your car mechanic what to do?
Kiruv is NOT for everyone and people should know what they are doing before getting started. Unfortunately some people push too hard and make things too difficult to keep up with. The best thing you can do for your friend is hook her up with great kiruv programs that can “turn her on” to Yiddishkeit since she already has the interest.
Something you might tell her in the meantime is how people often try to connect with nature so they shut their electronics and go into the woods just to connect with Hashem and his natural habitat and they aren’t even Jewish. They go out camping in the woods for a week at a time. How do you think they do that? They actually talk to each other, relax, sleep, eat fresh food, take long walks, read books. Hey, we do that on Shabbos too!
What about people who can’t afford cell phones, tv’s or even to pay for electricity? What do they do? Isn’t it nice to take a break from all these technologies and go back to human connections? What do other people your age do? Bikur Cholim? Visit friends? Go to shul? Read books? Take walks? Talk to family?
It is important to keep young people who are making these changes engaged in interesting and enjoyable Shabbos projects. Hatzlocha.
How would you deal with someone who refuses to listen and does not want to keep Shabbos and has in the past!?!?!? No, this person wants no part of such as Partners in Torah.
Ms. Critiique, in my humble experience that person is dealing with eternal pain and s/he has to work on their relationship with Hashem. There is no point in you pushing Shabbos on them because Shabbos is NOT the issue. The source of their pain is the issue and that is what they need to address and deal with. Whoever was that source has caused this person to give up his Torah and Mitzvos that is how huge the pain he is carrying actually is. He is running away from the pain and doesn’t realize that the person that hurt him so badly does not represent Yiddishkeit. That person represents his own bad choices and his weakness that can’t control his own yetzer horah. It is possible that this person was humiliated, abused, physically hurt, or any number of things that you just don’t know and don’t understand. If you are close enough to him to ask him why he is running away from himself and everything that he really is from the inside out, or what tremendous pain he is carrying within, you might be able to have a logical dialogue with him and direct him to the right person that will help him. If you are not that close you can just say, you understand that he is going through something huge that you are not privy to, but that you love him as a friend and fellow Jew regardless and the best thing you can tell him is to reach toward Hashem and not away from Hashem for the answers.
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