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This thread is for anyone who has anything bugging them that they’d like to get off of their chest.
Just say it and get it off your chest. You will feel better afterwards.
Here is another helpful thread:
http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/coffeeroom/topic/anger-management-group-therapy
I’m gonna be the first to jump into the fire but I doubt it’ll help, but here goes…
How do you help people that are having a hard time helping themselves???? Do you know how hard it is to see your friends have problems????? And you can’t do anything about it cuz what are you supposed to do?????? And when you see your friend hurting themselves (spiritually) but you can’t do anything cuz you know they won’t listen and you’ve just got to be there for when they need you!!!!!! D’ya know what its like to be texting two friends who are both having troubles but seem stuck in their situation!!!! It’s a hard life out there!!!!!!!
Sister Bear
What you have to keep in mind is that you can only help someone if they want to be helped. Sometimes people need to play the victim and its a vicious cycle. Wether its an attention getting scheme or a defense mechanism, you can only help to a point. Yes, its aggravating and its hard seeing your friends hurt themselves but at some point you have to realize that youve said your piece and let them deal with it on their own.
You can lead a horse to water, but you cant make it drink.
Sister Bear, when people have problems most especially women what they need most is a good friend who knows how to listen to understand. That’s basically it. They need to feel validated and heard. They are not looking for anyone to fix their problems for them or to tell them what to do. Really they just need to be heard. Problems come and go, and usually once they get their frustrations out, they can clear the way to finding a solution. You can’t control others, only yourself so be the friend they need to listen when asked. Then be compassionate with “I hear that”, “i can hear how frustrated you are with that” or “have you figured out how you will handle it yet”?
The more faith you have in your friends that they can actually figure it out on their own, and that they themselves have the answers to their own problems the more confidence they will build in themselves. That is the best way to help them and be a good friend to them. However, if you feel the need you can always say “I think you will figure this out on your own” or “I know you can handle this yourself and are just upset at the moment, but if you need my help just let me know and I will see what I can do”.
sister bear, i am probably much older than you and have learned that sometimes you just have to back off. i used to get over involved in peoples problems and would bend over more than backward to try to help them. sometimes people do not really want to change or do things differently and they just want everyone around them to tell them how bad they have it instead of trying to change things for the better. i’ve learned to try to listen and be available but not to take it so to heart because the only one who can effect change is the one with the problem. sometimes i’ve had to take myself totally out of the picture because i knew nothing would change and i couldn’t take watching it.
Sister Bear, there is probably not much you can do. Just be there for her (them?), and show her that you believe in her. FTR, if she does not want to change, don’t push it. It can have the opposite affect. Lots of Hatzlacha!
ok, i feel like kvetching too…
my 23rd birthday is coming up soon and while most pp celebrate their birthdays with gifts and cakes…i feel like im totally not looking forward to that.
you ask why? im still single, waiting for my bashert and i feel like i have to deal with alot of stress!
Im frusterated with shadchanim who dont return calls, im frusterated with pp who come up with theories why im still single, im tired of seeing everyone around me so nervous about me being still single…cuz that just makes ME nervous!
I can’t look anymore at wedding invitations…I have no patience anymore to attend vorts, bridal showers…and weddings! its tiring, its draining…its DEPRESSING!
Just this past yom tov, i bumped into some classmates strolling down with their babies…I tried hard to smile, to comment how adorable they looked, but deep inside it hurt, it hurt that i wasn’t zoche yet…
so this is more or less the end of my “kvetch”…and i feel already much better letting it out, cuz i can’t kvetch to anyone in my family…you see they’r too nervous about me lol;)
Dear Smatz, I empathise with you, in your feeling that you can’t kvetch to family members. Surely,when a person feels that not even those close to him/her (btw not sure if u are m or f) are “there to listen” it makes thier problem all that much worse. But let us always remember that as far as “kvetching” goes a yid ALWAYS has Someone very close to him who he/she can always kvetch to. Hashem is always available to give us a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on [so-to-speak]. looking for stress relief?? Try a good heart rending cry to “Tatte in Himmel” (father in heaven), while picturing Him as just that, your warm loving Tatte who is always there to listen and share in all your troubles. You won’t believe how relieved you can feel after such a “release”.
May you never need to kvetch from stress or from anything else again! and we hope to see you post the good news of your finding your bashert very soon.
smartz – I have friends who married at 23, 24, 25, 33, 34 and 35. And later.
And I have friends who married younger, but didn’t have kids until later. much, much later.
And I have friends who married young, had kids right away, but couldn’t afford their own home for many, many years.
And the waiting period for all of them was painful.
We always seem to to trying to “catch up” to those around us. That makes it even more painful than it has to be.
I’ll kvetch too.
I’m married a while, have no kids and not pregnant yet. It doesnt just hurt, it kills. All day long I see people who got married after me, happily strolling down the street with their babies. Every time I see someone I know they look down to see if I’m pregnant. I’m nervous that there is C”V some crazy problem. We’re about to start testing and I feel like I cant take it anymore. We tried davening and crying so much, taking extra things upon ourselves, going for brachos, davening by kivrei tzaddikim, learning chovos halevovos and shemiras halashon….and it just feels like nothing is helping and I’m downright depressed.
I could go on and on…It just makes me sick to think about it.
I’d rather go read the threads about girls having problems finding seminaries.
This thread is downright depressing.
Hashemwillhelp, please don’t be depressed about this. Go get the tests and do whatever is necessary to bring the joy of children into your life. And don’t look at others, really. Although they have the children you crave you don’t know how Hashem is testing them in other ways. You don’t know if all those children are healthy, you don’t know if their marriages are 100%, you don’t know if they have parnassah, etc. Hashem tests everyone in different ways and you really need to understand NOT to look at yenem with kinah. Hashem has a plan for you and it is special for YOU. Have emunah and bitachon and understand that when you bring your beautiful babies into the world you will appreciate them so much more than if you popped them out 9 months after your wedding.
We don’t know why Hashem does what he does but WE need to trust in Hashem and have the faith to follow the paths he has laid out for us. There is a reason he sends us the shelichim that he does. And no it is not easy, and yes it hurts and we shed many tears because if it. That’s OK, but we also daven to Hashem because of it and we get closer to him and we connect to him because of it. And it makes us understand other people’s pain as well, and it makes us give tzedaka and it makes us do chesed, and it opens our eyes to see the world in a different light. So for whatever reason he has given you this nisayon accept it and step up to the challenge. YOU will succeed with Hashem’s help. Accept Hashem’s help and be confident that he is by your side to bring you your yeshuah.
I say this because I too did not pop out my first child after 9 months, and many of my family members were parents in waiting for a long time as well. But B”H all our dreams were beautifully answered with a capital B. It took some of us 2 years, some 4, 7 and even 13 years, but in hindsight whatever Hashem’s plan was for us we have beautiful children and eineklech as well.
Smartz, our frum society has produced psychotic, neurotic and downright crazy people. Why do we have to put a number, and age and a time limit on when things need to happen. The Brocha I give young people and I give to you as well is “The right one at the right time!”
Do you know how many divorces are happening in our society right now? Do you know how many young marriages have broken up because of this rush to the chupah ready or not? Do you know why? Because they are marrying for the wrong reasons. They are not looking for their bashert and they are not looking for the right qualities and values in a partner. Everything is crazy and screwed up!!!
You are a smart young woman and your Bashert is out there looking for you. And B”H OUR society is not in charge, Hashem is in charge and he will make sure the two of you find each other. But you have to do your histadlus. You have to daven, you have to give tzedaka, do chesed and do whatever you can to have faith, emunah and bitachon in the right people or should I say non-people. You need to put your faith, emunah and bitachon in Hashem and recognize the shelichim he sends your way. Make sure that you don’t turn away possible prospect because of foolishness such as height, weight, etc. Take a good look at the qualities and values of the prospects that Hashem is sending in your direction before you turn someone down.
Smartz! i’m in your shoes!!
Get bz bz bz bz bz… do something, anything! volunteer! get a degree, do Something! the worst thing to do is sit around and do nothing!! it hurts hurts hurts! and yes i just attended my very good friends’ second kids voch nacht and i got many many brachos!;) I do have a pile of those
and btw about the birthday.. keep the party small 🙂 it feels much better that way!
also, i’ve just been diagnosed with a genetic disease and i’m very confused!
Well shimmel maybe that is part of your reason. One to know that your spouse doesn’t carry that gene as well. And second to know that your spouse is up for the challenge and not a shallow human being that doesn’t understand that marriage has its ups and downs and that it is a commitment under all conditions not just the fun ones. You need to find a spouse that is supportive and understanding and all areas and not one that would fold and cower in the face of a challenge.
part of the reason i’m single? I’m not sure …………
It’s not something have to mention because dor yeshorim is taking care of the compatibility thing…
If it is something that YOU know then it is something that will forever be on your mind. Whether you need to worry about compatibility or not because B”H Dor Yeshorim can test for that. I would be very surprised if your Rav has paskened that you would not have to divulge to your future wife that you have a disease because vi nisht vi it will affect both your lives in the future.
aries
I know you made that comment in all sincerity, but I think its a little insensitive.
Shimmel
Any way we can help? Are there support groups you can attend?
I don’t mean to be insensitive. I mean to say everyone has a bashert, and the right person for Shimmel will be a sensitive yet strong individual who will be there through thick and thin because that is what a good, caring and loving spouse is all about. Love and respect goes deeper than the surface.
aries your thinking might be right if it wouldhve been something more serious.. but its not, alot of people are on syntheroid or diff medication, and they dont share it..
Believe me, it’s a hard decision to make because i’d love to be open about it.. But,it’ll only hurt my chances of shidduchim, and its not something that is nec. to be shared..because it is not affecting anyone.. Many woman have hormonal issues and need to be on meds to correct it.. its basically something like that.
the gene of is more harmful which as i said before dor yeshorim will take care of that.. SO hopefully we’re all set..
Sac- B’h I am healthy although i would love to hear from other people that have it…. It is a jewish ashkenazi genetic disease, 1 in every 7 people are carriers of it..
It doesnt’ affect my daily life at all BH’…
I’m still doing my research and doing everything on my own is a bit tough…
shimmel
This is what I was told.
If it doesnt affect your day to day life, quality of life, and you cant tell you dont have to tell.
Personally, I wouldnt be able to marry someone without telling them something so big about myself so when it starts getting serious I think that is a good time to tell.
Don’t worry we are all here for you to help you sort this out.
Well B”H it is nothing serious and it doesn’t have to be discussed, so let’s take that out of the equation and don’t think about it or focus on it. Just know that your bashert is out there and is putting in as much effort looking for you as you are. Just keep your eyes, heart and “smarts” wide open.
aries2756
Thank you so much for your post. It really helps even though Ive heard it all before…and it especially helps knowing that you went through it and managed and can understand how I feel.
Thanks again.
Thanks for the support everyone!
someone made a comment that this thread is depressing…well it wasn’t to me! It made me feel better letting it out and even better hearing words of encouragment from others!
Just know that sometimes its not the actual “singlehood” that hurts…but the comments, the looks and the pressure that others put on me that really gets me!
I B”H am doing my Hishtadlus and looking back, I don’t think i’v made wrong decision regarding matters in shidduchim( focusing on trivial things etc). So Im hoping that Hashem will very soon send the Right One my way!
And Shimmel: B”H I am keeping busy doing the things I enjoy doing. Its just hard s/t to keep doing even the things u like, when ur constantly waiting for the moment, the right time it’ll happen.
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