Limericks!

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  • #1221119

    goldielox
    Member

    from my friends father

    THERE ONCE WAS A MAN NAMED TIM,

    WHO THOUGHT HE COULD BE VERY SLIM

    SO HE WENT TO THE BAKERY

    AND ATE A LOT OF CAKERY

    AND THEN HE WENT TO THE GYM

    #1221120

    blinky
    Participant

    Hope this won’t make you say Ow!

    But i don’t want my family to have a cow,

    So to my dismay,

    Being its a short day,

    Ill have to log off for now!

    Good shabbos everybody!

    #1221121

    Pashuteh Yid
    Member

    This thread was about logs, as I recall. Now the stam log is actually the natural log. It is the only one with the magic properties that the exponential has, which is that no matter how many times you differentiate it, it remains the same function.

    Some books will write it as log, although others use ln. Matlab will use log10 for the base 10 log function. In complex variables, I think they use log or Log depending on whether it is the single valued or multi-valued function.

    Anyway, regarding the magic property of the exponential, the Thomas text on Calculus has this mashal to try to explain it:

    A student once came to the guru and asked, what holds up the world. The guru thought for a long time and said, an elephant. The student then asked, well, what holds up the elephant? The guru thought about it, and replied, another elephant. The student then asked, well, what holds up that elephant? The guru thought again and responded, it’s elephants all the way down.

    #1221122

    Dr. Pepper
    Participant

    Sorry Blinky, I didn’t realize that there were rules about the length of the lines. Let me try one again:

    oomis1105 is thrilled to go on the date,

    The Shadchan promised that the guy is great,

    But the guy’s a math wizard,

    Who’s proud of his lizard,

    oomis1105 begins to plan her great escape.

    #1221123

    oomis
    Participant

    My dear Dr. Pepper, please note

    There’s a slight error in what you wrote.

    Though I often sound harried,

    I’m very much married.

    So dating would sure rock my boat!

    #1221124

    smartcookie
    Member

    Lol, these limericks are great

    For some more I can’t wait

    I’m having a ball

    Reading this wall

    The coffee room is top rate!

    Ooooh…that was pretty nebby…

    #1221125

    smartcookie
    Member

    This motzei shabbos is long

    Come let’s sing a song

    Why don’t I go to bed

    Is probably what you said

    But sleeping so early just sounds wrong!

    #1221127

    Dr. Pepper
    Participant

    oomis1105- I was just trying to rhyme

    by recalling a post not seen in a long ===>time<===,

    I thought it would fly

    So I gave it a try

    but please forgive me for my crime.

    #1221128

    Dr. Pepper
    Participant

    Now oomis1105 if you can end the debate

    about bringing ===>Purses on a Date<===

    between me and Squeak

    we’re up the creek

    Thanks, that would be grrreeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaat!

    #1221129

    berisbab
    Participant

    There once was a man from Nantucket

    who tripped and fell on bucket

    He fell on his face

    ‘Twas quite a disgrace

    ‘Cause on his head-forever- G-d stuck it!

    #1221130

    oomis
    Participant

    Hey, Doc, purses are greatly needed

    This point, by now, should be conceded.

    Like scout troops are taught

    “Be prepared,”‘s a good thought,

    So that thread really should be deleted!

    #1221131

    The CR’s a stage for many a battle

    At the drop of a hat the sabers may rattle

    But I have a svora

    Avoid loshon hora

    And let’s just stick with some meaningless prattle.

    #1221132

    H Newman
    Member

    A friend of mine ordered me to post this gem, ascribed to the Fallsberg Oylum:

    Do you know the teitch of a shnook?

    They each have their eigena kook.

    They make up a shita,

    Call themselves Shlita,

    And make sure their name’s on a book.

    #1221133

    Ben Torah
    Participant

    A YOUNG YESHIVA BOCHER NAMED MOSES

    DRESSED IN BLACK FROM HIS HEAD TO HIS TOESES.

    HE LEARNED DAY AND NIGHT,

    EVEN BY CANDLELIGHT,

    HE SO TIRED THAT IN CLASS HE JUST DOZES!!

    THERE’S A YOUNG JEWISH LADY NAMED CARRIE

    TOLD HER FOLKS SHE WAS READY TO MARRY!

    HER DAD SAID “COR BLIMEY”

    “I HOPE IT’S A HYMIE

    AND NOT ANY TOM, DICK OR HARRY”!!

    MR.LEVY BUMPED INTO MR. COHEN,

    “TELL ME MAX ARE YOU COMING OR GOIN'”

    “MY TAX INSPECTER IS DUE

    THAT’S ALWAYS A TO-DO,

    I’M NOT SURE IF I’M TO-ING OR FRO-ING”!!

    THERE’S NO FUTURE FOR OUR MOTHERHOOD,

    AS YOUNG GIRLS WILL BE MISUNDERSTOOD.

    LOW CUT BLOUSES AND SHORT SKIRTS

    MAKE THEM ALL LOOK LIKE FLIRTS,

    AND GO AGAINST THE RULES OF THE TALMUD!!

    THERE WAS A YOUNG RABBI NAMED HADLEY

    WHOSE CONGREGATION TREATED HIM BADLY.

    A HOUSE IN A POOR STREET

    HE COULD NOT MAKE ENDS MEET,

    HE WALKED FROM HIS POST RATHER SADLY.

    THE CONGREGATION BUILT A NEW SHUL* *BET KNESSET

    THE COMMITTEE SAID “LET’S HAVE A POOL”

    THE POOL DREW IN THE FLOCK

    AT ALL HOURS OF THE CLOCK,

    IT WAS LIKENED TO AN ADULT PLAYSCHOOL!!

    #1221134

    blinky
    Participant

    (I was bored on shabbos so here goes…)

    there once was this leader of Slobodka

    Who always drank so much vodka

    He was asked to step down

    Cuz’ he disgraced the town

    So now he drinks in America!

    #1221135

    blinky
    Participant

    berisbab

    There once was a man from Nantucket

    who tripped and fell on bucket

    He fell on his face

    ‘Twas quite a disgrace

    ‘Cause on his head-forever- G-d stuck it!

    Thanx for ending it! i just couldn’t think of a last line! its perfect!

    #1221136

    blinky
    Participant

    Im sitting at my desk here at work

    Where my boss has a tendency to lurk

    I hope im not rude

    but im just not in the mood

    uh oh here she comes…too bad i can’t shirk!

    P.s- Dr. p- for someone who claimed to not do limericks bec. of competing with Squeak you did a pretty fine job!

    #1221137

    Dr. Pepper
    Participant

    The fax machine next to us always jammed

    and made noises we couldn’t stand

    we ripped off the thing

    and each took a swing

    and two co-workers were canned.

    #1221138

    Dr. Pepper
    Participant

    Today we’re getting a visit from the Bobs,

    Consultants who wish to slash jobs,

    But I have people skills,

    and lots of bills,

    What a bunch of snobs!

    #1221139

    WellInformedYid You have time for this?

    Arent you busy earning the “Greatest ????? of the Decade Award” alerting people about Halacha that is ignored”?

    #1221140

    smartcookie
    Member

    I’m eating and eating a whole day,

    And then I wonder how much I weigh,

    I gained some new pounds

    I just donno my bounds

    Please hold while I go put my food away….

    #1221141

    smartcookie
    Member

    Ok, I’m hungry no more,

    That I know for sure,

    I ate enough,

    All different stuff,

    Now let’s see how long I won’t open that cabinet door….

    #1221142

    blinky
    Participant

    The Shadchan is getting dizzy

    Talking to a Mom whose in a tizzy

    Her questions of height, and size

    And the girls color eyes

    And is still wondering why her son is never “busy”!

    #1221143

    if cigarettes you like to toke

    question health scares as just a joke

    well, heres the answer

    they sure cause cancer

    don’t let your life go up in smoke


    When you race for a subway seat

    a dirty trick that can’t be beat

    is sneeze and cough

    to scare ’em off

    and garlic breath’s an added treat


    A general named George A. Custer

    was arrogant and full of bluster

    His Waterloo?

    he dissed the Sioux

    Now he’s a scalpless injun buster

    #1221144

    thinking jew
    Member

    I made these up many years ago when I was in school.

    Let us wonder for arguements sake

    why ___ _____(fill in name of school) had so many rules to make

    for if there were none

    It would be no fun

    for there would be no rules to break!

    Mommy had 12 children too many

    quite often she whished she had not any

    when they jumped on her “Kup”

    she just got fed up

    and sold each one for a penny!

    #1221145

    Baal Boose
    Participant

    I cant believe i read this, but since i did here is one i like.

    A flea and a fly in a flue;

    Were stuck so what could they do;

    Said the flea;”let us fly”,

    Said the fly; “let us flee”,

    So they flew through a flaw in the flue.

    #1221146

    basmelech
    Participant

    There once was girl named Chanie

    Who wanted to be a Mommy

    She got married at twenty

    Had kids aplenty

    and now just wants to be Granny

    #1221147

    basmelech
    Participant

    There once was a Cat in a Hat

    Who made a mess in someone’s flat

    He got Thing one and Thing two

    to clean up the whole zoo

    And then he skiddaddled -Stat!

    #1221148

    basmelech
    Participant

    I know my rhymes are inane

    but, at least I am not insane

    I am really quite smart

    in music and art

    but poetry is just not my game

    #1221149

    LAer
    Member

    blinky,

    There once was a man from Nantucket

    Who kept all his cash in a bucket.

    But his daughter, named Nan,

    Ran away with a man

    And as for the bucket, Nantucket.

    But he followed the pair to Pawtucket,

    The man and the girl with the bucket;

    And he said to the man,

    He was welcome to Nan,

    But as for the bucket, Pawtucket.

    Then the pair followed Pa to Manhasset,

    Where he still held the cash as an asset,

    But Nan and the man

    Stole the money and ran,

    And as for the bucket, Manhasset.

    Of this story we hear from Nantucket,

    About the mysterious loss of a bucket,

    We are sorry for Nan,

    The cash and the bucket, Pawtucket.

    Get it?

    #1221150

    emoticon613
    Member

    did you make that UP?

    #1221151

    Shticky Guy
    Participant

    Its a favourite project of mine

    A new value of ‘pi’ to assign

    I would fix it at 3

    For its simpler you see

    Than at 3.14159

    An exceedingly large friend of mine

    When asked at what hour he’d dine

    He replied at 11

    And at 3, 5 and 7

    Then at 8 and again after 9

    A school boy who lived in Japan

    His limericks never would scan

    When they asked him “but why?”

    He would say with a sigh

    “Its because I always try to get as many words into the last line as I possibly can.”

    #1221152

    Pumpkins are good for a pickin’

    And in pies for finger lickin’

    But on halloween

    Some think it should not be seen

    In a nice frum Jewish kitchen

    #1221153

    LAer
    Member

    emoticon, nope, I’m not that talented. I read it somewhere. I think it was part of an ongoing newspaper contest or something.

    #1221154

    blinky
    Participant

    LAer- very funny, i still like “….who tripped on a bucket” one!

    #1221155

    blinky
    Participant

    I was impressed how this thread got full

    So i sat down and began to mull

    I googled limerick

    And i feel sick

    As most of whats here is not even the original!

    (thanks to those who made theirs up!)

    #1221156

    minyan gal
    Member

    vnishmartemmeod:

    Of that pumpkin you spoke of before

    I just picked one up at the store

    And on Hallowe’en

    In my kitchen t’will be seen

    Baked – and served with butter galore

    #1221157

    minyan gal
    Member

    I just thought of another along the same lines.

    Allow me to give some advice

    On a topic thats not very nice

    On October three one

    Jewish kids have no fun

    But next day the candy’s half price!

    #1221158

    oomis
    Participant

    Blinky, it isn’t so hard

    Pretending that I am The Bard,

    Though Shakespeare I’m not

    When put on the spot,

    I seem to have let down my guard.

    #1221159

    I’m really impressed with this thread

    I can’t get the thought out of my head

    what really good clean fun

    Think, type and done

    And no lashon hara gets said

    #1221160

    Minyan gal, I wanted to mention

    thank you for the specific attention

    for taking your precious time

    to respond by limerick rhyme

    and releasing some of my pumpkin tension

    #1221161

    minyan gal
    Member

    Once again I say Shabbat Shalom

    My wish is for peace in your home

    And tonight when you dine

    And sip of your wine

    Pray for those who are all alone.

    #1221162

    Most posts here are not plagiarized

    No raunchy ones now bowdlerized

    We wrote them fresh

    Made the rhymes mesh

    For this our efforts should be prized

    #1221163

    squeak
    Participant

    Tommy’s a bit of an oddball

    Not just because he ain’t tall

    It his bowtie and vest,

    the flower pinned to his breast,

    that makes him stand out ‘mongst us all.

    #1221164

    minyan gal
    Member

    This morning while sitting at the beauty salon (with color on my hair – so it was a long sit) I was very bored, so I took out a pen and……

    I know you may think me a bore

    For I’ve spoken of this once before

    On All Hallow’s Eve

    Just get up and leave

    And you won’t have to answer the door.

    Three brothers named X, Y and Z

    Wed sisters called A, B and C

    When their families grew

    They knew just what to do

    And called their kids 1, 2 and 3.

    Part 1

    I’ve always got a sore back

    I kvetch when I carry a pack

    The doctor said “Rest”

    I said “Surely you jest”

    For a personal servant I lack.

    Part 2

    He said I have warned you before

    That your back will always be sore

    For shlepping’s a no-no

    And bending’s just so-so

    And you’ll hurt till you do this no more.

    #1221165

    minyan gal
    Member

    I’m Bubby to two boys that love me

    Even though they tower above me

    For they’r very tall

    And I’m very small

    And they have to bend over to hug me.

    #1221166

    minyan gal
    Member

    This thread is making me crazy

    My brain is all clouded and hazy

    For now all the time

    I speak strictly in rhyme

    And my friends want me taken away-zy

    #1221167

    minyan gal
    Member

    Question for the Mods:

    I can’t stop composing these silly limericks. Do I qualify for a name change? Instead of a “member” I would love to be known as a

    “limericist”. (I don’t even think such a word exists but if one can be a lyricist, then why not?)

    #1221168

    oomis
    Participant

    “I can’t stop composing these silly limericks”

    I know what you mean, Gal of Minyan

    I can’t stop this limerick inyan.

    Would you tell me, please

    Is this some rare disease?

    I would just like your honest opinion!

    #1221169

    Imanonov
    Participant

    There was this sadist of Yokohama

    Who loved to see tragedies and drama

    Causing Tzoros he would

    Whenever he could

    That’s why he voted for Ob…

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