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How are you supposed to deal with a mother in law that likes to voice her opinion on every aspect of your life?
Just ignore her.
Bend down and let the waves pass over your head!
mybat, life is way too short to sweat the small stuff…
so she gives her opinion, you can listen or not. You can risk hurting her feelings and ask her to “butt out”.
You can ask you husband to have a heart to heart with “mommie dearest”
You are not obligated to do what she suggests – she offers her opinion, uh so what?!
As I said, life is way to short – be glad that you have a mother in law to kvetch about.
mybat: This is how I handle my very outspoken, but well-meaning, MIL.
I listen to her, and say, “I see your point”; “That makes sense”; “You may be right”; “That’s true”; “I hear what you are saying about that”; etc. I take her advice seriously, because she is an experienced, smart lady, and then I make my own decision on what to do.
I do not inform her if I am taking her advice – I just either do it or don’t. In general, I try to show her respect and appreciation, thank her for her input, but if what she says is not for me, I just do it the way I want. BTW, my MIL and I have a pretty good relationship (ba”h).
Hope that helps!
small town: my friend that recently got engaged to a boy a yesom, said “one of the maalos in the shidduch is that she does not have to deal with a MIL.” 🙂
mybat, you may be better off if you share less information with her. When my children were very young, I used to call my mother-in-law after their check-ups to let her know how much they weighed & how they were doing. Once I called her after my son’s check-up & she asked me if I had allowed him to receive the MMR (measles-mumps-rubella) vaccine. When I told her that he did receive it, she told me it would probably make him autistic, since she knew someone whose child stopped talking shortly after receiving it.
Most of my children started talking late, and my mother-in-law knew I was concerned about that, so I did not find that comment helpful. But I did learn to stop discussing my children’s health & development with her.
put your fingers in your ears
the best advice I can give y’all is………………………………………
“SIYOG L’ACHOCHMOH SHTIKAH!!!”
That’s what I tell my shviger!
I know how hurtful it can be, how invasive, and I also know how difficult it is to ignore, BUT there is nothing you can do. Putting your husband in the middle won’t work, because, I guarantee, that he has spent a lifetime “ignoring” his mom when necessary and he will tell you to do the same.
The reason why this feels so terrible is that you probably do not have an invasive relationship with your own mother and this is so foreign to you. Truly, keep remembering, she means well, ignore her and just keep saying thank you for caring.
i really have no advice were always gonna complain about are motherinlaws. whatever they do my advice is no advice be the best wife and mother u can be!
I am with NY MOM. If you love your husband, remember he is the product of the way in which she raised him. Maybe her advice is CORRECT. Even if it is not, or you merely think it is not, you can still thank her for her input and then do whatever you and your husband choose. She is not the enemy, but if you act immaturely and always think that no matter what she says, it’s wrong, then YOU are the problem, not she. I ahd an outstanding relationship with my in-laws, and they often voiced their unsolicited opinions. So what? So did my parents. Sometimes their opinions were very valuable and saved us from making costly mistakes. When I felt that something they said wasunhelpful, I thanked them anyway, and did what I felt was best. We NEVER had a personal machlokess about anything. And I wish they were both still alive to continue to give me advice.
I am a mother in law and as a moher in law no matter how good a treat my daughter in law she always thinks that everything I do is to put her down, if she asks me for a recepie and it doesnt come out the same way I cook she thinks I do it in purpose becuase i want to see her down. Isn’t that silly?
Mazca, regarding the recipes, next time your DIL is by you, maybe you can make the food item WITH her. Then she will see exactly how to do it, and you and she will have some bonding time together. As mothers-in-law we have to be extra makpid not to say or do something that can lend itself to misinterpretation as a put-down. It’s like the old psychiatrist joke. A psychiatrist met someone going down the hallway and when the person passed by and said, “Good morning,” the doc replied, “What do you MEAN by that???”
It is only once you become a mother in law do you realise how hard it is to say/do the right thing. I try not to give advice but if/when I do I usually find myself apologising first! – I am working on myself to overcome that. I know I can#t be that bad because my daughter in law has begun asking me advice…
You must buy Rabbi Dr. Twersky’s new book called “In-Laws, its all relative” which discusses all kinds of issues pp have to deal with…and gives solutions to them! buy the book and it might give u a professional practical advice!!
My mother in law is very sweet, very concerned and very involved. Instead of getting insulted when she asks me if I am going to the gym regularly, eating too much fried food etc. I just keep in mind she means our best!
As long as she is not berating you, or putting you down for not taking her advice, I would agree with a lot of the posters. Thank her for the advice, and then do what you and your husband feel is the responsible decision for your family. If it gets to the point where it is invasive and disrupting your own shalom bayis, then you may need to filter out what she’s saying with different listening ears. It sounds though that she means well.
Another idea that was posed, is to sometimes beat her to it, and ask her for her advice on things that you’re neutral on. You can still take it or leave it, but she’ll feel included, and will feel less of a need to constantly be giving the unsolicited version.
BTW, if your mother-in-law IS being very nosey and invasive in a really obnoxious way (you, being the daughter-in-law), then it is up to your HUSBAND to set her straight. He should be coming to your defense and really have your back. Unless she is right, of course, and you should acknowledge that this is a possibility, and learn from the things she has to say.
Serves you right for taking off her muzzle.
I think no matter what a daughter in law has it inside of her to disagree with her mother in law, and a mother in law no matter what never agrees with her daughter in law. It is just natural.
mazca. finally someone saying the truth , why cant the motherinlaws admit there a teensy bit jeolous of there daughterinlaws?
It may actually be so, that some MIL feels a little jealous of the youth of her DIL and her displaced position in her son’s life (doesn’t seem to be a problem in the reverse where the mother of the girl feels that way about the daughter’s husband). It can be disconcerting to know someone else can take care of one’s son, and maybe even do a better job! The best way to handle that is with a lot of love and a lot of seichel on the part of the DIL, who will hopefully someday also be a MIL to her son’s wife. It IS a two-way street, after all.
And for fun “How many mother in laws love their son in laws”. Please answer me.
There is a skit that is often played out at sheva brochos. It is a conversation between 2 daughters in law. One appreciates so much that her MIL sends her kugel every week while the other complains and says does she think I can’t cook? and so the skit continues how the same favor can be looked at in 2 different ways. It depends on attitude!
Mazca, I adore my son-in-law. He is one of the biggest brachas in our family. I only pray that my two other daughters should be similarly blessed with such wonderful, loving husbands. My son-in-law is a wonderful father to my ainekel, and is an all-around wonderful young man. I could not love him more had I given birth to him, and he knows it!
Re: the skit – it reminded me of the joke about the mother talking about her daughter and her d-i-l. Both girls did exactly the same thing, but when her d-i-l did it, she was a lazy money-grubbing, machsheifa who was working her poor son to the bone to provide luxuries for her, whereas her daughter was so lucky to have a husband who worked so hard to provide luxuries for her and wouldn’t let her lift a finger! It’s all in whose “ox is being gored,” I guess!
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