December 28, 2018 9:02 am at 9:02 am #1653476
Baruch quickly realized that it was preposterous that he could be Dr Panner. Baruch makes it to the courtroom in handcuffs and a little confused “how did all this happen to me, just from a broken hand?”
Baruch’s thoughts were promptly interrupted by being called up to the judge. “Dr. Panner the charges here are attempted murder and election fraud how do you plead?”
“But I’m not Dr. Panner, I’m Baruch Goldstien!” Baruch shouted.December 28, 2018 2:45 pm at 2:45 pm #1653553
Being a reasonable person, the judge asked for some identification.December 28, 2018 3:04 pm at 3:04 pm #1653587
As baruch takes out his ID, O’Keefle’s men burst into the room. “Judge, we have proof that the man standing there n front of you is Dr. Panner” they state.December 30, 2018 1:12 am at 1:12 am #1653809
In utter confusion, Baruch screamed out, “I plead not guilty by reason of insanity!”.December 30, 2018 9:20 am at 9:20 am #1653836
The judge looks at Baruch and says “case dismissed the defendant commits to 5 years in a mental institution of the courts choosing”December 30, 2018 6:47 pm at 6:47 pm #1654055
All of a sudden, a stampede of alpacas ran across the courtroom and said “I object your honor!!!”.January 2, 2019 4:41 pm at 4:41 pm #1656426
The judge held the alpacas in contempt.January 2, 2019 5:52 pm at 5:52 pm #1656451
In response, the alpacas all ran to try to bite off the judges head which resulted in alot of chaos between the alpacas and guards. During this time, one of the alpacas secretly handed Baruch a devise and told him that it opens a portal to a world where alpacas are the dominant species. Baruch then pushed the button and went into the portalJanuary 2, 2019 10:26 pm at 10:26 pm #1656525
Unfortunately, Baruch had forgotten the #1 rule: Alpacas cannot be trusted. Sure, an alpaca never lies, but they never tell the full story. Baruch was indeed transported to a world of alpacas, but the alpaca hadn’t specified where in that world he would land. He found himself in a mixed-species kindergarten classroom, where alpacas, humans and llamas learned and played together–and he was the teacher.January 2, 2019 10:27 pm at 10:27 pm #1656534
On the other side of the portal Baruch landed on a huge 5 foot plate with a whole bunch of alpacas standing around him. The alpacas try to bite off Baruch’s head but Baruch pushes the button to transport him back to the courtroom. “I think I’m safer in the asylum instead” says Baruch sheepishlyJanuary 3, 2019 1:00 am at 1:00 am #1656620
Suddenly, the judge’s cell phone rang. He picked it up.
“Hello? Who’s this?” asked the judge.
“It’s the president!” said the president.
“President of what?” the judge asked.
“Of the United States!” the president replied.
“How did you get my number?” the judge asked in confusion. “And why are you calling?”
“The first is not important; the second is to let you know that I have drafted an executive order quarantining your courtroom due to strange head-biting alpacas. We will expect you to make peace between our species; your lives certainly depend on it. Also, we know what you did, but due to your service to our country, you and all the other people involved who are currently in the courtroom will be pardoned.”
“What service to the country?”
“I just told you. You will make peace with the alpacas.January 3, 2019 7:16 am at 7:16 am #1656649
Meanwhile in alpaca ville USA there was a radical llama that disguised himself as a peaceful alpaca that bought a nuclear bombJanuary 3, 2019 8:38 am at 8:38 am #1656654
O’Keefle’s men overhear the phone conversation since they bugged the courtroom’s phone. One of the men starts shooting the alpacas. “Not my president!” He shouts, being a staunch democrat just like his boss. Now the alpacas are really mad and don’t want to hear anything about peace.January 3, 2019 10:21 am at 10:21 am #1656669
A sudden loud beeping noise is heard “BEEP BEEP BEEP” What is that? Says Baruch sounds like a truck backing up or maybe a fire engine that noise is so loud! “Oh it’s only my alarm clock… I guess time to wake up, that was a weird dream. “My arm is killin me… “ Baruch walks over to the light switch and turns on the lights “OMG” screams Baruch “my arm is the size of a football!?!?!” Maybe it wasn’t a dream after all…. wait a minute maybe it was maybe some of it was…. but which part is true??? And which part is a dream!??! This is way too weird for me!January 3, 2019 2:20 pm at 2:20 pm #1656910
Then Baruch realized that an alpaca had strapped him to a table in the courtroom.
Meanwhile, O’Keefle, selfish as ever, told his men to stand down. He wanted to get out of there, and he wanted his pardon so he could stay in the race.January 3, 2019 4:00 pm at 4:00 pm #1656932
The alpaca that strapped himself to a table’s mask fell off and it turned it it was really the alpaca rebba!!January 3, 2019 5:42 pm at 5:42 pm #1656957
Suddenly, one of the alpacas broke down and cried. “All we ever wanted was to bite your head gently!” he sobbed. “We weren’t going to really hurt you, we just have really weird teeth, and our new dentist told us that gently biting into a human would help!”
“What is the name of your new dentist?” the judge asked sternly.
“Dr. Panner!” said the frightened alpaca.January 4, 2019 7:28 am at 7:28 am #1657116
Then, Dr. Panner came running down the courtroom and said I object your honor! He then took out a shaver and said now your in on my plan, i am going to shave all the alpacas and steal their alpaca fur!!!! Bwahaha! Then lightening struck him. He unfortunately forgot that he had a metal cane and that saying bwahahaha creates lightening stormsJanuary 4, 2019 8:19 am at 8:19 am #1657151
Dr Panner is a dentist or a hand doctor or a dentist?January 4, 2019 10:11 am at 10:11 am #1657187
He can be a dentist, just he also is an expert in shaving alpacas because why not lolJanuary 4, 2019 10:44 am at 10:44 am #1657214
Or maybe he was practicing as a dentist illegally.January 4, 2019 12:18 pm at 12:18 pm #1657231
The dream was totally avoided? What happenedJanuary 4, 2019 12:55 pm at 12:55 pm #1657269
Baruch seeing dr Panner in a weakened state shouts “you’re the one causing me all these problems!” and promptly stabs and kills Dr Panner. Everyone lifts up Baruch joyfully “our hero” The judge shouts “order in the court” before getting another call from the president “Baruch successfully made peace with the alpacas by killing dr Panner, we will be honoring him in two weeks time”January 4, 2019 2:39 pm at 2:39 pm #1657325
However, with O’Keefle pardoned as well, Baruch was concerned about the mayoral race. Also, he was dazed and confused about the whole affair.January 4, 2019 4:00 pm at 4:00 pm #1657334
All of a sudden a pterodactyl grabbed Baruch and dropped him on the stage of the mayoral debate. Baruch knew that this was a sign from hashem that his destiny was to become the mayor.January 5, 2019 9:00 pm at 9:00 pm #1657469
Lucky for him, he lived in a different city from his brother in law, so they weren’t running against each other. However, they were both running against O’Keefle.January 6, 2019 4:33 pm at 4:33 pm #1657895
Baruch decided to visit his brother in law. He booked a flight and was on his way shortly after. Soon after takeoff the plane suddenly started to descend rapidly. A panicked flight attendant called over the intercom “the pilot just had a heart attack! Does anyone know how to fly a plane?” Baruch quickly ran to the cockpit, as he had just gotten his pilots license.January 6, 2019 5:58 pm at 5:58 pm #1657903
But no pilot liscence can prepare Baruch for what happened next.January 6, 2019 7:48 pm at 7:48 pm #1657944
As he flew the plane with great skill and coordination, he noticed that Dr. Panner was flying next to the plane in a hang glider. He was alive, despite having been electrocuted and stabbed! For a moment, Baruch felt relieved of his bloodguilt, but then he saw that Dr. Panner was carrying a large bag of marshmallows with a label that said “For use during arson”.January 6, 2019 7:58 pm at 7:58 pm #1657948
Lucky for Baruch, Dr. Panner spontaneously combusted. This was most likely due to the mexican food that Dr Panner ate an hour before. Unfortunately, the fire from the spontaneous combustion caught on to the marshmellows. Baruch had to make an emergency landing fast before the entire plane bursted into flames!January 6, 2019 8:49 pm at 8:49 pm #1657954
Baruch made the landing, and he and his wife traveled to Biz and Annie’s home.January 6, 2019 9:44 pm at 9:44 pm #1657955
Meanwhile, Biz and Annie were still on the road searching for an all natural rattle. Suddenly, they realized that they were driving in unfamiliar woods. Then their car broke down in front of a small cabin on a small hill.
Having no other choice, they knocked on the door. An old man answered and greeted them warmly. “What’re you doing ‘round these parts, though?” he asked. “You don’t look like small-hills people!”
“We’re not!” Biz answered. “We were looking for an all natural rattle for our baby, and then we were driving somewhere, perhaps to go back home, but possibly to continue our search, and then our car broke down right here in front of your cabin!”
“Interesting,” said Jones. “Well, you’re welcome to stay here as long as it takes to fix the car. I can help. And I happen to know a little bit about snakes; I collect them myself. What did you say your name was? You can call me Jones.”
“I’m Biz, and this is my wife Annie,” said Biz, “And do you know how to hold a rattlesnake safely?”
Jones showed him how, and he showed him his whole collection of snakes. They were mostly ball pythons, corn snakes and milk snakes, but he had one rattlesnake and one other venomous snake. And he had a whole cabinet of snake skeletons from the snakes he’d kept in his youth.
Then he showed them how to fix the car. It was a simple problem, and they got it into top-notch condition within an hour. By then, they were all friends.
But as they got ready to leave, Jones began to feel short of breath. He went into the house, took an envelope marked “46q” and a brown bag, and asked them to drive him to the emergency room. They drove quickly. When they got there, he told them that he would be okay and that he would call his wife. Then he handed them the envelope and bag and told them to go. They said goodbye and left.
In the car, they opened the envelope. It contained a letter written to them:
Dear new friends,
If you are reading this letter, it means that my prediction came true. A man and a woman drove by my house, seeking a rattlesnake rattle for their unnamed baby. Their car broke down. I helped them fix it. Unfortunately, I began experiencing medical symptoms, so I went into the house, grabbed the right letter that I wrote for this kind of situation (I like to be prepared.), and gave you this along with the rattlesnake rattle you wanted. If you want another, I already taught you how to safely get one.
Please know that I care about you deeply, or else I would have given you letter #43. I will probably be alright; had I thought that I were truly in danger, I would have given you letter #44. Go home, live your lives, call me in two weeks at 555-234-1643, and please name your baby after me.
De’Forrest Malysh Jones
After reading the letter, they had a little talk. “Do you want to name the baby after him?” asked Annie. “I would, but I know that you were concerned about the baby’s name.”
“I don’t care about that anymore, we’re giving the name!” Biz said with conviction. “I don’t like my own first name, but if my parents had named me that after such a dear friend, such a wise and strong person, I would be glad to bear such a name!”
They went home, content with their decision, and named their child De’Forrest Malysh Sakanah. However, they were so used to calling him “the baby” that they kept on doing so. They had just arrived home when Baruch and Aliza knocked on their door.January 6, 2019 9:44 pm at 9:44 pm #1657971
As Baruch started talking he realized that Biz and Annie didn’t sound or act like themselves. He realized that these were just clones and before Baruch could say anything Biz punched Baruch in the face. All went black. When Baruch woke up he saw that he was tied up next to his wife and that Biz (or the clone) was having a very friendly conversation with O’Keefle.January 6, 2019 10:36 pm at 10:36 pm #1657994
Baruch and Aliza from the future storm into the house and give a round kick to biz and annie’s Clones and O’Keefle “never mess with time travelers” they say. “But how did you get untied?” The clones say. “Simple” says future Baruch, “the future us untied ourselves, then the present us used biz’s time machine to go into the past and then we came back here”January 7, 2019 10:01 am at 10:01 am #1658165
Time itself split in two, much like the way our story did.January 7, 2019 11:56 am at 11:56 am #1658294
Since time split into two, Baruch now only had half of his body in the present time!January 7, 2019 1:11 pm at 1:11 pm #1658319
Being so Baruch had to go with the help of his wife (considering he only has one leg to jump on) to speak the the old wise man of the town.
After a long troubled journey they finnaly reached the house of the old wise man. Within a few minutes he figured out the whole “half” problem we’re dealing with…
“You must travel back in time to that same time you left your other body and make physical contact with that old you” said the old wise man!January 7, 2019 1:34 pm at 1:34 pm #1658350
Then Baruch jumped into a portal to go back in time. But since too many people were time traveling, it caused a blackhole to open up. Baruch remembered hearing a story of an alpaca that has magical powers that destroys blackholes. Now he had to missions to accomplish-get back his leg and find the alpaca fo destroy the blackhole.January 7, 2019 1:35 pm at 1:35 pm #1658324
But there is one problem said the old wise man
In the passed when you will see your old full self, might cause a mental shock and a possible heart failure which in essence will cause you a direct death here in the present time so….
The only possible way of getting that job done without causing any possible harm to yourself is getting that physical contact done without your old self seeing your new self!
Good luck! Said the old wise man.January 7, 2019 5:40 pm at 5:40 pm #1658501
Then distant future Baruch traveled back and fixed everything, reverting the timeline to the one in #1657955.January 13, 2019 11:44 pm at 11:44 pm #1661782
But one thing (and only one thing) was different: There was a man, identical to O’Keefle in every way, who claimed to be O’Keefle’s good twin.January 14, 2019 7:36 am at 7:36 am #1661861
So they decided to see if he liked pinapple pizza. If he did, then they knew he was the evil o’keefle. If not, then what he said was really true and he is o’keefle’s good twin.January 16, 2019 5:31 pm at 5:31 pm #1663673
He actually didn’t like pineapple pizza, so Baruch got an amazing idea. Baruch took the good O’Keefle along with him to the present and switched him with the evil O’Keefle by kidnapping the evil O’Keefle and hid him in his basement tied up with the door locked.January 16, 2019 6:20 pm at 6:20 pm #1663676
However, since they saw eachother they both spontaneously combusted.January 16, 2019 7:28 pm at 7:28 pm #1663732
And out of the flames rose one O’Keefle, a man who was both good and bad.January 17, 2019 12:37 am at 12:37 am #1663810
Since O’Keefle was both good and bad he couldn’t make any choices so he couldn’t decide whether he needed take revenge or not and just couldn’t move from his spot as a resultJanuary 17, 2019 10:19 am at 10:19 am #1663944
O’keefle’s yetzer hara then attempted to stab his yetzer tov. His yetzer hara wasnt the sharpest tool in the shedJanuary 17, 2019 11:01 am at 11:01 am #1663973
Baruch was confused about the general situation, but he had mercy on this new O’Keefle and brought him to a mental hospital.January 17, 2019 11:28 am at 11:28 am #1663980
Little did Baruch know that this mental hospital was run by the giant speghatti monster. The monster pretended to be a mental hospital and then sucked up O’keefle and said to Baruch your next! Luckily Baruch had a freezeray so he froze the speghatti monster and saved himself. Now he had to find O’keefle inside the speghetti monster.January 17, 2019 1:01 pm at 1:01 pm #1663991
Then an atheist came along and made the spaghetti monster doubt himself.
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