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Which rejection is more painful for the person being rejected; A guy being rejected by a girl who he was interested in, or a girl being rejected by a guy who she was interested in? (I hope all the guys dont answer guy and the girls girl).
Men are strong and intellectual. Women are emotional and excitable. Men take it much better than women.
How would anyone know what both feel like?
Briskwr youd know if you were a parent of both
My quick answer would be to agree with shlishi. But that is a generalization. When you factor in age of each, maalos and chesronos of the one who said no, how many dates each has been on and how hard it is for each to get a date, etc etc etc the answer changes pretty quickly.
i agree with shlishi, although there are exceptions.
Women always feel worse when there is a rejection, this is their teva.
Both parties take it hard, but IMO, I think if a guy really, really, REALLY likes a girl, and she rejects him, he takes it harsher than the other way around. Though I’m not a guy, I still think that when guys actually feel, they feel it deep. I don’t know why, but I think a heartbroken girl moves on faster than a heartbroken guy.
(don’t jump on me, since I’m probably wrong).
I think every situation is different, and also, every individual is different. Some guys are more emotionally strong than some girls, and some girls are more emotionally strong than some guys.
I agree with MP, but in general I think that girls get hurt more because they invest more into the relationship. When they feel they are interested in the guy they go full throttle in their minds. They allow the full scenario to develop in their heads like movie, the engagement, the wedding, the kids, etc. I am not a guy but I think guys are more in the here and now and don’t dream so much into the future.
It really depends on their level of Emunah.
Age, and years dating, also hardship in finding someone they actually like should be taken into consideration.
I know guys that take it harder than girls.
Usually though shlishi is right. Girls take it harder.
Since they are more emotionally involved they tend to picture
or imagine futures way before guys would. This makes it that much more painful. Not to mention that they are very conscious about their appearance. Not so self confident by nature as men are.
When I was faced with decisions while dating It would pain me to say no, knowing sometimes what the girl might be going through.
However hard it is for them, they should know that their weakness is also their very strength, and it should be appreciated.
A strong Emunah in HB”H’s plan should allow everyone, guys and girls to move on to something better not being bothered by something that wasn’t for them. If it was, it will come back.
Always be aware of who is running the show.
Especially in Shidduchim, where HB”H allows us to clearly see his
hand in all that he does for us, if we were only look through eyes wise with that knowledge.
It has nothing to do with intellect. It depends on emotional resilience which is not found in greater proportions in either genders
The way I see it is, guys tend to be more introvertive when it comes to sharing their emotions and such and even if they do share, guys aren’t necessarily going to (be able to) empathize the same way that a girl would so they wouldn’t get the necessary release to get over it faster thereby they will seemingly hold in the hurt from a rejection making it seem like they take it harder. Girls on the other hand, typically will go and share with a close, trusted, best friend getting things off their chest, making it seem like they take it easier because they (usually) get over it faster.
It depends on the person, not their gender. Some people take it better than others.
It also depends on the situation. How and at what point in the shidduch they are rejected.
Girls definitely take it harder. (As a rule. Of course there are exceptions both ways.)
MP- I agree with you. I think age plays a big role. if they are dating for a while already and finally found someone they love, it can hurt both ways. generally though I think the guys move on faster.
I would like to say that I think it depends on the person and their maturity too etc but I would also like to say that I can see it if a male took it harder than a girl since everyone expects the guy to be the strong one in every relationship, or just in everything in general so he might have to show it outwardly but inside maybe it hurts even more than he’s letting on. I could imagine that having to cover up that hurt and rejection might make it worse but who knows? Maybe I’m imagining wrong:)
I agree with Queen Bee. Guys do seem to take it harder, when they were genuinely involved in the relationship. The reason girls seem to take it harder a lot of the time is because the guy never cared, and that is unfortunately more common that way than the other way around. But when the guy really does care I think the trend is that guys are more obsessive and more prone to sink into a really bad state of heartbreak/depression after a break-up.
yitayningwut, exactly! I couldn’t explain my thoughts, but you said it well :). Also, I think girls share their feelings with their family and friends, which helps them move on, but men generally don’t talk to anyone about their feelings, so it’s harder for them to move on.
Queen Bee – I agree, that’s also very true. Shana tova:)
I consider myself to be a good girl b”h, and I just entered the parshah of shidduchim and I know that there was quite a few boys that were readt to me, and my parents really check into boys, they dont just let me date anyone, all my siblings ka”h got engaged to their first daye- and im not chasidish, just a regular bais yakov girl but very open minded. So when my parents told me that im going to date and all my married siblings did some info and they were all raving on and on about what a great catch he was.I thought I was marrying the boy, and I went on 2 dates, I came home on a high from the 2nd which I thought I went much better than the 1st, and the boy seemed to be pretty intersted. The next day the dreaded call came that the boy wasnt intersted, he dumped me! There was no reasoing that the shadcan gave which was a little queer. But all I can say that I have not gotten over it even though it has occured over 3 mounths ago. The emotional pain I went through is too hard to describe, I was litreally crying for weeks after and I still do. But I guess it had to happen to me and it has definetly taught some lessons that I needed, and my tefillos have definetly gotten much stronger with regard to finding my bashert, so all I can say is that iyh I will get a real catch that will be even better than the fisrt!!!!!!!!
Not to sound cavalier c”v, but its part of life.
—shidduch rejection,–
Getting rejected is part of dating. While sometimes painful, if you prepared for it beforehand, it’s easier to get over it. I’m not saying that you should go into a date with the mindset of it not working out. Just have in mind that if the other person says no, you could rest assured that he/she was not your bashert, and be thankful you didn’t have to make that decision. Of course it’s easier said then done. Maybe the fact that many of your siblings got engaged to the first person gave you higher expectations and therefore it was harder for you to get over the rejection, but marrying the first person is not the norm, no matter how much you look into people. What you are experiencing is completely normal–almost everyone goes through this. Just daven that Hashem should give you clarity in shidduchim and that you find your bashert quickly!!
Shidduch Rejection: May Hashem give you the best match beyond your wildest imagination that will give you the great future you obviously deserve. I understand what you went through, and how painful it may be to still talk about it. I am sure it was more difficult than you care to think about. Know the tears you shed for the dreams you were hoping for does not mean those dreams are still not on the horizon for you; they are Iy”H! You are moving forward with admirable wisdom and strength. Just a note: Hashem evidently has many doing the same over the past few months. You are not alone.
just remember to tell us when the lucky guy comes around.
I have to share this because sometimes the painfulness of rejection can be dangerous and damaging, c”vs.
Someone did their own hishtadlus and looked me up. Everything went fantastic and then some. The chemistry was clicking all over to where you probably thought you heard crickets in your yard, but it was most likely us, clicking.
We dreamed of a future together and all those things were mutually shared. Then, the parents leveled the hammer and decided cold turkey ending it was the best way for us to go. I was not what they had in mind on paper, I guess. From the little I get from people who know both of us, she is suffering to this day as badly as I am. Although she says she is suffering more, which is not true.
I have nothing more to say about this and am still stunned and very very very messed up.
BTGuy: The parents may be correct. I don’t know the circumstances. But from the very basic outline, it is definitely not out of hand that the parents are correct.
BTGuy: Feel for you, dating is an emotional roller coaster and you have to ride it out and hold on. IMO Hashem definitely does this for our good as the roller coaster of life after marriage is a lot steeper and deeper in every way. Think about it, parnassah, children, health, shalom bayis. Try to take the big overview and get past the pain and on to your bashert b’karov, a shidduch nachon l’shem ultiferes bitoch shaar penuyay Yisrael.
BTGuy- sad story, but there maybe a silver lining. If after you two “clicked” so much and were obviously both ready to get married she was forced to cancel because of her parents you may be better off without having in-laws that are so controlling.
“Although she says she is suffering more, which is not true.”- How do you know that?
Thank you Shein, littleapple, and yungerman1 for your warm and supportive comments. They are very much appreciated. Thank you very much.
yungerman1, I hope she is not suffering more, or at all… Also, we had a humorous thing to “argue” over who loves who more. And after “this” happened, messages from a supportive third party would send messages between us where we would still respond with who misses who “more”. When we crossed paths over Chol Hamoed, and talked, reaffirming our feelings, her eyes were redder than mine. If I said I think the world of her, that would not come close. Oy, I am in as big a pickle as I have ever been in, but will take the suggestions made here, which are very helpful and very appreciated. Not sure if I said too much here, but I have been keeping it to myself and when people ask me what is wrong, I cant share this with them. I have will to get past the ill and dreadful feelings and focus on your suggestions. Thank you..
littleapple, what does that last part of your post mean in English? I tried using translators to get the whole thing. Thank you very much.
BTGuy,
I’m sorry you’re hurting. Dating is not easy. Let me tread cautiously and I hope not to offend you, but I really want to give you chizuk. I assume from your name you’re a baal teshuva, secular society (which also permeates frum society as well sometimes) indoctrinates us with a notion of romantic love [argue over who loves each other more]. In my opinion and from experience this merely infatuation and physical desire that often blinds us to real problems. Parents sometimes can see these. Or her parents just didn’t like you for whatever reason, clearly they’re wrong, and I hate to say there are biases against baalie teshuva, often unfounded. And I can guarantee you do not want inlaws that dislike you.
You will get through this, use it as a motivator in tefillah and bitachon.
I would suggest, although you may not want to, for your well being it might be best to break off contact, and that means not speaking through friends or being places where you could bump into each other. It will be must easier to move on the less you think about her.
Again I am sorry for your pain, but know gam zu ltova, and I really hope I didn’t offend you with my unsolicited advice, but I’ve been there.
BTGuy: If the two of you are both still that interested then maybe you (or her, or both) should talk to her parents. You’re not looking to marry her parents, you’re looking to marry her. And at the end of the day it’s her life, not her parents. Maybe you should try talking to everyone and see what happens.
oot for life: Thank you for taking the time for your very careful and thoughtful response. It is something I may need to put more thought into. The mind and the heart are not in sync at this time. I thank you for your insightful words which make tremendous sense.
Sam2: We did speak to the parents, and it did not make things better. The more emotional her pleas were the more the news came back with the harsh reality of how the parents are interceding in everything she does now. But, she may realize your point, as well, and who knows what may happen? Riding out the time apart, with no communication, is a kind of a withdrawal that is severe at times.
This idea of breaking something off; cold-turkey, may have it’s merits, but emotionally, it can be horror, and then some.
Again, thank you very much and I apologize for taking up time. I have held this inside for over a month and a half, but I am glad I could share this here. Thank you all very very much.
BTGuy: A pre-med guy told me that a relationship has the same effect on the nervous system as cocaine and that going out of it is withdrawal. He says for guys it lasts on average about half as long as the relationship was (for girls as long as the relationship). Trust me, you’re not the only one who goes through things like this. I would tell you it gets easier with time but I can’t honestly say that it has for me yet. Everyone else tells me it will though, so there’s that. 🙂
BTGuy: It means may you find a proper mate that will enhance your G-dly purpose in this world in a beautiful way soon among all those single among our people!
I don’t know either. Those are the statistics. Maybe if the relationship got more serious more quickly the withdrawal time would be longer. The basic principle should still apply, even if the average amount of time it takes to “get over” someone would be a little different.
Sam2, thank you for saying that. Yes, there is a physical addiction component to these things. I hope you get past this as soon as possible and find the right one who will make you happy.
littleapple, thank you for explaining and for saying that. It is greatly appreciated and I hope every single person of marriage age benefits from your blessing. What a very nice thing to say. Thank you.
Maybe there should be a schadchen specializing in sensitive people who look into the person they are dating and dont overly judge on superficial status or whatever people judge on. Many of us approach a shidduch the correct way. We are open, happy, congenial, and as something develops, it can be devastating when that person just checks out, especially if they seem to be responding well.
All in all, it all leads back to Hashem.
May everyone find their beshert and find them to be greater than could have ever imagined!
dont overly judge on superficial status or whatever people judge on.
Rabbi D. Weinberger mentioned in a shiur on the topic the most important qualities to look for: good middos, easygoing, good heart, love of Torah, satisfied with little(gashmius), diligence, straight thinker, looking to grow.
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