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Growing up in Boro Park within the Hasidic community, I always knew that traditional alcoholism was rare. Today, however, it feels like the issue has shifted from alcohol to drug addiction.While some people still downplay the severity, substance abuse causes permanent harm. Sadly, we are hearing far too many tragic stories of overdoses right in our own neighborhoods.I’m no expert on this subject, but I personally know individuals who now act like “zombies.” Their thought processes seem completely burnt out. Yet, despite the clear toll it’s taking on them, they still deny they have a problem—claiming they aren’t addicted and just need a way to relieve stress.
I’ve been thinking a lot about the substance abuse crisis in our communities, and it brings me back to the timeless wisdom of Rabbi Dr. Abraham J. Twerski. a pioneer in addiction recovery, always taught something that sounds so simple on the surface, yet goes incredibly deep: this is what Rabbi AJ Twerski claims ” the absolute core of addiction is a negative self-image and low self-esteem.People don’t usually start using because they want to become addicts; they do it because they are desperate for a “stress reliever” to escape painful feelings of inadequacy. Addiction is fundamentally a thought disorder—a voice telling you that you aren’t good enough.The ultimate goal of recovery isn’t just to stop the behavior; it’s to learn to accept and love yourself. ” It means refusing to become a permanent victim of your situation. and accepting hard things happen in life, but we have to learn to breathe, relax, and find healthy ways to cope. example :Go jogging, do exercise, move your body, and take care of your soul—keep moving forward until the sun shines again.(which is the hard part to accept)
Looking at what is happening around us today, does it seem to you that Rabbi Twerski was right? Is low self-esteem the true root of this crisis?
As an addict with low self esteem I would say it’s a סימן not a סיבה
Rabbi Twerski was wonderful but I think he overstated his case. Taking drugs/booze to numb the pain/anxiety is NOT necessarily an issue of low self-esteem. The frum world can be a pressure cooker for many people and if they feel pain/anxiety it doesn’t automatically mean a self esteem issue.
“self esteem” is what goyim call “yiras shomayim”, since they don’t have a tzelem elokim.
Zanvil, you are right that R Twerski himself summarizes his work same way! He says – I wrote only one book – about low self-esteem … I juts published this book in different ways.
But I would not reduce discussion to self-esteem, as there are many social reasons that bring a person there, and man specifics how to deal with it.
So, read R Twersky for specific solutions. He writes mostly about adults and how to deal with problems.Related approach is Waterbury yeshiva that deals with active kids, considered bad material by others … As R Kestenbaum writes about these kids
“we are losing our Resh Lakishes”As a therapist, I think Rabbi Twerski identified something very deep, although I would be cautious about presenting low self-esteem as the single cause of every addiction.
People can begin using substances for many reasons: trauma, anxiety, depression, loneliness, social pressure, ADHD, emotional pain, family dysfunction, or simply being introduced to something highly addictive. Not every person who develops an addiction began with an obviously negative self-image.
At the same time, Rabbi Twerski’s insight remains extremely relevant. Underneath many addictions is a painful difficulty being with oneself—feeling inadequate, defective, ashamed, empty, overwhelmed, or unable to tolerate one’s internal experience. The substance initially provides relief. It quiets the mind, numbs the pain, or creates a temporary feeling of confidence and connection. In that sense, what looks like pleasure-seeking is often an attempt to escape suffering.
The same dynamic can be present in other addictions as well, including all “kedusha inyanim” addictions, food, shopping, and other behaviors used to escape or regulate painful emotions. The particular substance or behavior may differ, but the underlying cycle can be very similar: emotional pain leads to temporary relief, followed by shame and further emotional pain.
I appreciated the comment that low self-esteem may be a סימן rather than a סיבה. In some cases, that may be correct. In other cases, it may be part of the cause. Very often, it becomes both. Shame and emotional pain contribute to the addictive behavior; the consequences of acting out then create even more shame, isolation, dishonesty, and self-hatred. This creates a self-perpetuating cycle:
“I feel terrible about myself, so I use. I used again, so now I feel even worse about myself.”
This is also one of the core מעלות of 12-step fellowships. Beyond the steps themselves, there is tremendous healing in the connection, camaraderie, and knowledge that you are not alone in the struggle. Addiction thrives in secrecy, shame, and isolation. Sitting with others who understand the struggle from personal experience can weaken the belief that “I am uniquely broken” or “No one could understand me.” A healthy fellowship offers belonging, accountability, hope, and the experience of being accepted even while honestly acknowledging the problem.
This is why recovery cannot consist only of removing the substance or behavior. Abstinence is essential, but if we do not help the person understand what the addiction was doing for him emotionally, we leave a painful emptiness behind. Recovery also involves learning to tolerate distress, develop healthier coping tools, build meaningful relationships, accept responsibility without drowning in shame, and gradually experience oneself as a person worthy of care.
Exercise, structure, spirituality, supportive relationships, therapy, and community can all be important. However, telling someone simply to jog, relax, or strengthen his self-esteem may underestimate the power of addiction. Once physical or psychological dependence develops, professional treatment, medical support, recovery groups, and sometimes medication may be necessary.
So, was Rabbi Twerski right? I believe he was pointing toward one of the deepest emotional dynamics of addiction. But rather than saying, “Low self-esteem is always the root,” I would say that addiction frequently grows in the soil of pain, shame, disconnection, and difficulty accepting oneself. Lasting recovery requires addressing not only the addictive behavior, but also the suffering that made it feel necessary.
I would not get hung up on R Twersky diagnosis of generational low self-esteem. That is high theory. Maybe rather pay attention to his specific recommendations both for people with addictions, whether drugs or chat rooms; and for general public.
Remember, he is not an academic writer, he was a practitioner, so his practical advice is based on good experience. And his book about working with nuns is pretty hilarious.
Zanvil, I’m not sure you can chalk it up to שמח בחלקו that sounds like victim shaming. What about other issues like loss, and other things that overwhelm a person to the point they find an outlet.
I think it takes great self control not to turn to substances when life gets hard, and some people use it to soothe inner torment or difficult circumstances, or others just devolop a habit over time by virtue of being around it.
I don’t think it’s so “black and white”Somejewiknow Im not sure you can say everybody but your self has a “tzelem elokim”
I know that’s what you’ve been told your whole life but by the way some of us act, sometimes non Jews are a lot kinder because their conscience hasn’t been tainted by elitist belief systems, or ideoligies that create arragence, So….you might want to rethink dehumanizing others before you create false narratives in your mind of how much “better” you are then othersAs I mentioned above, read R Twersky for specific insights, not only for big labels.
for example, he writes that many addicts only do teshuva when they hit (their) “rock bottom”. So, if you are paying debts for a gambler, he continues his ways as he is not suffering consequences. One business person lost his job, family, house due to drinking but only committed to treatment when he had to go to Salvation army and recalled that he used to collect funds for them.
nevuah> sometimes non Jews are a lot kinder because their conscience hasn’t been tainted by elitist belief systems,
Compare Torah to a weapon or medicine – it is useful in right hands, but can be misused. Jews are doing not bad in terms of chesed on average, but you surely have people who succumbed to side effects. The problem is when a whole group goes astray and starts misusing Torah and build a communit around that. Then bad ideas propagate and swallow up next generations… we can point to examples from non-Jewish world – two big Torah-derived religions surely elevated people but had some excesses.
“Somejewiknow Im not sure you can say everybody but your self has a “tzelem elokim”“
Thank you nevuah for having me reread and understand what somejew was saying which can I now ask a question on his comment
Somejew said “ “self esteem” is what goyim call “yiras shomayim”, since they don’t have a tzelem elokim.”
This is not n contradiction to the גמרא that says חביבים אדם שנברא בצלם, חביבין ישראל שנודע שנבראו בצלם maybe what Somejew meant was since they don’t know they have tzelem elokim
ain udom eluh yisroel
Always ask questions
I think the point is that any time a person acts superior to others, or is tought they are superior it leads to arragence and carpamentalizing an us versus them mentality which leads to bad behavior between people
When the Torah says
Treat others as you treat yourself, it means _all_ people
When it says do not steal for i am God, it doesn’t mean don’t steal only from Jews. This means despite what you’ve been tought and regurgitating your whole life, the Bible is blueprint for reality, not a conviction of superiority. It’s a book to help teach you how be the most optimal human on earth, not so you can have a superiority complex.
Non Jews are capable of kindness because they are simpler, and don’t suffer from the clique mentality we have.
They may not have the lifestyle and system as live in but they still have their heart intact something we may have lost along the way in our quest for conformity.
It doesn’t mean we are bad it means our, mentality is skewed and we have a form of false knowledge of superiority which doesn’t not reflect the truth.
The Torah is about how to be human to everyone. Not just ourslevesCoffee addict, so your saying because we have a “tzelem elokim” somehow that will make someone with low self esteem forget their struggles and not turn to drugs? I’m not understanding
Zanvil maybe it’s the system?
Coffee addict
It says in Genesis 1:27, which reads, “So God created man in his own image; in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.”Genesis 1:26, “Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness”
Sounds like every person was created the same.
Thus:
Every single person was created in the image of God.
Not just you lol….
You can tell peoples character by their behaviour, instead of speaking superiority to yourself over and over again, maybe it’s time to observe reality and tell me how actually most humans were born and created just like you, perhaps with different opportunities, circumstances, and connections. Doesn’t mean they don’t have a conscience aren’t kind and aren’t trying their bestSomejew,
You’re deflecting not answering
In the Mishnah I quoted obviously אדם is different than ישראל, you cant say they’re the same thing
It was Dr. Twerski’s explanation for a lot of things.
But as a human being with natural limitations, he focused on an underserved population:
The Originally Orthodox, who started to treat their pain with Addictions. A magefa that was spreading and being overlooked in our communities.
He focused on self esteem, because it’s the only way to overpower The Yetzer Hora.
How Does Healthy Self-Esteem develop?
Not quickly.
Not with drugs.
Not with more chumras, and people pleasing.
It’s a deep rooted fragile process, that happens AT home, Or In Yeshiva, if you spend mousy of your waking hours there.
And Any respected person with Power, Can damage it while it’s in formation.
Or even after it’s already established.
Covert Narcissistic Behavior DESTROYS soulswe are going into theoretical discussion. If someone needs immediate help, r. Twerski highly recommends AA. So, if you are not getting any support or do no know where to star changing your ways, find closest chapter and go there. His advice, not mine.
I always yuawn a little when people associate drinking, or going OTD or doing some other bad thing with low self esteem or trring to escape or some other outlet. Forgive me for not beleiving some of the phsycology stuff. I think its overdone. Often its simply fun to drink and hang out with other genders. Its fun to let loose. And having fun is addcitive to some. its just people letting loose and nothinbg deeper. its more fun than learning a blatt gemara. Why is everything so cimplciated and a symptom of something. Stop being so deep. People like to let loose
chaim> Often its simply fun to drink and hang out with other genders. Its fun to let loose. And having fun is addcitive to some.
exactly as R Twersky writes: smart alcoholics are hardest to treat. They can always explain everything. Their logic is similar to yours: alcoholics can’t control themselves and stop drinking. I control myself. I can stop at any time. Therefore, I am not an alcoholic. Therefore, I can continue drinking.
Let loose. That’s a curse word. Life is serious
Being human, is a sin according to our belief system, it might make people look good from the outside, to be perfect and expect from themselves perfection, but it’s missing the human factor, of having a real human life. I always say, the lights are on but nobody’s home If you look at the biblical characters they all lived real lives, they didn’t try to conform to an extreme dogmatic way of thinking. The whole point in the biblical allegorical text is to show you real human living. I think our world needs to calm down and allow themselves to be human again, and if you can’t find a good role model you can look at all the biblical characters, and not through a basis yaakov brainwash lense but through the real raw communion these people had with reality, emotions, real circumstances, and relatonship with God.
We are like empty vessels trying to confom, conform condom. When will people say enouph is enough and be authentic
Sorry spell check, *conform
@Always_Ask_Questions
My argument isn’t that the achohlic or whatever the addiction is can control themselves. My argument is simply, that I am not convinced they are doing it because of low self esteem or some underlying cause. They start doing it because its fun. Then once its fun it drags a person and can be addictive. Similarly is every OTD child acting out because of a low self esteem? Or simply bec its fun to smoke and hang out? Why can’t we just say its a big world and tavos have a way to drag people? In a very simple manner, say you are on a diet but hanging out by a kiddish with delcious food and you don’t eat before shachris, chances are you’ll eat by that kiddush even though you shouldn’t. Tavous lures you> Sorry spell check, *conform
maybe you should apologize to other butchered English words also as long it is Elul. Oops, wrong thread!Chaim, I personally became interested in R Twersky’s approach because of his practical approaches, firmly integrated with Torah knowledge and training and experience in psychology. Original cause may be of interest to educators who contributed to the disease development, but solution is not “the couch” to discuss what parents did, but to help the person get better.
in your kiddush case, maybe this person should go to hashkoma with smaller/earlier kiddush, or even eat healthy snack before davening. Don’t tell me that he is too frum for that – if he were frum, he would not violate mitzvos related to taking care of oneself and naval brshus Torah.
Always ask questions, now now don’t be mean
Chaim, not sure it toavos that lure you, it’s the fact that you are depriving yourself to the exteme and then your cravings are stronger, which is a big reason why we need to move away from extreme lifestyles. I always say the outside world is a free for all but the religious world doesn’t even allow you to be human. I think balance is needed for both worlds, the outside world needs moral clarity and direction, and the Jewish world needs to learn how to accept the fact that we are human
Zanvil,
So your saying if you find religion hard, and all the rules suffocating and you wish to not take life _so_ seriosly, that’s a self esteem problem. Or is that someone trying to find themselves and respect their own inherint energy and find what works for them and what doesn’t. Forgot that we are individualsWhy do you always need to ‘let loose’? And why do you constantly focus on other genders?
I don’t understand your question. I don’t “need” to do this. But its fun and cool to let loose. Do people only have fun because they have a low self esteem?
Every time boys let loose its a low self esteem? Tavous lure people. I disagree with your premise. It could be that sometimes thats the cause. But I don’t buy thats always the cause.Chaim,
There are numerous people that stimulants have no effect on yet others need that to “get through the day”
I understand zanvil’s position
@?coffee addict There are numerous people that are coffee addicts and it has no effects while others need it. Do those that ” need” it have a low self esteem? So now lets get to tavous whether drugs or girls or alchohol Yes those that “need” it are addicted. But who says they need it because they have a low self esteem? They need it because its fun and people are addicted to letting loose and having fun. Once you taste it, you need more and more bec thats what tavious does but not because you feel low about yourself
@thinking out loud I feel like your’e saying something. Please eleborate and include scientific citations that back your theory (if you have any).
Chaim,
lol!
Im addicted to a bunch of things (one of them being on my phone/internet) and a main place is the Coffee Room and when one is always in a “coffee room” he gets addicted to coffee
But im talking about my other experiences with addictions
Zanvil I can see your point but you lost me when you said “of even helps learning because”
Sounds like a politically correct framework. Sitting and studying for hours and hours is suddenly healthy. No it’s not. And that’s not a natural alighned way of living and not everything has to conform to that.
That baseline is so delusional, sorry.??coffee addict
I just still don’t get it. Ever meet someone stuggling with wieght loss who still eats excessivley? I think we all know such people. They know its not healthy and good for them. Yet they eat anyhow. Do they have a low self esteem ? But they are addicted to an unhelathy thing? The answer is it tastes good and they are hungry. So whats the differnece if its fat guy eating thick oily triple schnitzel sandwhich with fires and junk in it or if its an alchohlic drinking or if its a guy hanging out with girls? It simply tastes good and feels good.
Our society suffers from many forms of addiction unfortionately…
Chaim,
Can the guy stop and go on a diet and eat healthy for the rest of his life, if yes then he’s not addicted and “just likes fried shnitzel” but if he goes out there again he’s addicted. The root of the word addiction is dict like dictate an addict’s addiction tells him that he HAS TO do it (whatever he’s addicted to)
A better way to say it is that
An addict wants to stop but cant
He would rather lose his whole life (job, prestige, family) the give up his “drug” because what he’s really looking for is an escape from life
> An addict wants to stop but cant
R Twersky says that many will not stop before “reaching their personal rock bottom”. Before that, they will not react to your preaching. Therefore, do not “save” them by helping them get out of consequences of their actions. For example, do not provide money to gamblers who swear they will stop or protect drunk drivers from arrest – you are enabling their addictions.
@??coffee addict
I am not debating if someone is addicted or what the means. I agree one can have a food addiction or any addiction. What I am saying is , the root cuase of that addcition need not be a low self esteem. The root cause could just be he like food and has cravings that he can’t control. The same is true for girls drugs or anything else. So we agree on what an addict is. The question is whats the root of it and how we solve it? I am not convinced its all self esteem.I think the root of addiction is exposure lol.
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