"What's your favorite color?" is bad chinuch

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  • #616641
    screwdriverdelight
    Participant

    “What’s your favorite color?”

    “What’s your favorite book”

    “What’s your favorite food?”

    “What’s your favorite song?”

    “Who’s your best friend?”

    etc.

    Training young, innocent children to have a favorite on everything is imprudent. People of ages, and especially children, should not think in terms of extremism or pick favorites. It inevitably leads to radical thinking and questions like “Who’s your best friend?” causes them to form opinions about others, and instead of taching them to love everyone, they will emerge thinking they should have a best friend and shun others.

    The two worst questions are “what’s your favorite color?” because it doesn’t even make sense. Colors are just various forms of light. Why should it be expected that one in particular appeal to you more than any others?

    and “what’s your favorite food?”. That one is the opposite of chinuch. It’s in effect stating that food is to be eaten for purposes other than nourishment. Is that how we want to raise our children? A better question would be “Which food is healthiest?” But that’s not good either, because it trains them to form opinions on things they know nothing about (save for the rare kindergarteners who are certified nutritionists), so the best thing to do would be to say, “name a food you often eat.”

    #1114135
    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    People naturally have favorite colors. And people naturally ask children about them. Having favorites is normal, and training your children not to be normal is bad chinuch.

    #1114136
    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    If we wouldn’t eat food for reasons other than nourishment, we would eat the same food on Shabbos as during the week.

    #1114137
    pcoz
    Member

    By the same token you could not ask a child the name of their favourite flower.

    #1114138

    if you reach the high level of gedolei Hador then there’s really no difference “what your favorite food is” cause righteous people eat for only one reason: to have strength to serve Hashem. with this in mind there is really no difference to them between having pizza with soda or bread & water

    may YOU one day grow to reach this high level & closeness with Hashem

    #1114139
    Hashemisreading
    Participant

    my favorite color is gray

    my favorite flower is a rose

    my favorite food is cholent

    #1114140
    technical21
    Participant

    Give me a break…

    #1114141
    Hashemisreading
    Participant

    Given.

    #1114142
    screwdriverdelight
    Participant

    Hashemisreading, the result of bad chinuch is proven right here. Your favorite food is cholent? Did they also teach you not to exercise ever?

    #1114143
    Hashemisreading
    Participant

    I cant eat cholent AND excersize? is it an oxymoron?

    #1114145
    Hashemisreading
    Participant

    my favorite book is Harry Potter

    my favorite song is that cholent song by Country Yossi

    #1114146
    pcoz
    Member

    Is your favourite food cholent made by Kayla Kuchleffel?

    #1114147
    squeak
    Participant

    Chiuch is bad chinuch.

    #1114148
    Goldilocks
    Participant

    Mashiach Agent: Saying “cause” instead of “because” is terrible chinuch.

    #1114149
    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    using capitalization ONLY for emphasis is not good chinuch either.

    I STRONGLY disagree

    #1114150
    B1g B0y
    Participant

    I am a RESULT of that bad chinuch AND I’ve come back TO disagree

    #1114151
    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    The strong disagreement seemed to use capitalization that was not for emphasis.

    #1114152
    technical21
    Participant

    Hashemisreading- I meant give me a break on the thread, not on your choice of favorites. No comment on that one way or another. You’re entitled to have whatever favorites you want, and to ask your children, grandchildren, and all your doros what their favorite food/color/song/etc. is!

    #1114153
    Hashemisreading
    Participant

    Thank you technical20 for your validation! I will continue to favoritize my favorites.

    #1114154
    screwdriverdelight
    Participant

    No one is denying the entitlement but it doesn’t mean it’s good chinuch.

    #1114155
    ubiquitin
    Participant

    sdd

    In the op you did in fact deny the entitlement

    “because it doesn’t even make sense. Colors are just various forms of light. Why should it be expected that one in particular appeal to you more than any others?

    and “what’s your favorite food?”. That one is the opposite of chinuch. It’s in effect stating that food is to be eaten for purposes other than nourishment.”

    Never mind the fact that halacha takes favorite foods into account eg regarding kedicma for brachos and doesnt dismiss it as “the opposite in chinuch”

    Asking these questions is actually GOOD chinuch since at the age when most of these questions are asked these are things that children care about, and parents/others showing interest in things important to their children is excellent chinuch.

    #1114156
    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    Why do you care about chinuch? Children are just various forms of matter.

    #1114157
    Torah613Torah
    Participant

    I don’t believe in letting children think at all. Children should be seen and not heard, and do homework and chores and otherwise stay out of our way, and preferably sleep 12 hours a night from day one. No pesky personalities should be allowed to develop.

    #1114158
    Torah613Torah
    Participant

    That said, I think the OP is a reaction to the secular habit of overly focusing on children’s individuality, leading to egocentric adults for whom satisfying their desires is a goal in life.

    There’s nothing wrong with having opinions, be it food preferences or favorite colors or people you don’t like. Ultimately we have to listen to Hashem, and we eat kosher even if the nonkosher chocolate looks delicious, don’t wear purple sheitels even if it looks good on us because it would not be tzanua, and we do good for people because Hashem tells us to emulate Him and be kind and merciful.

    #1114159
    Torah613Torah
    Participant

    In fact, our personalities, gifts, and deficiencies are gifts from Hashem, guiding us to how our neshama is meant to serve Hashem best.

    #1114160

    Chiuch is bad chinuch.

    But chiyuch is great chinuch! 🙂

    #1114161
    screwdriverdelight
    Participant

    ubiquitin, I know what I wrote. It doesn’t say people aren’t entitled to ask children whatever they want.

    Never mind the fact that halacha takes favorite foods into account eg regarding kedicma for brachos and doesnt dismiss it as “the opposite in chinuch”

    See Mishlei 13:25 and mitzudas dovid there.

    Rebyidd23: because it’s a mitzvah.

    Torah613, you missed the point .The point was not to have extreme opinions, not not to have opinions.

    #1114162
    ubiquitin
    Participant

    Sdd

    I’m sorry perhaps I misunderstood “entitled” I assumed in this context you meant aas in have a right to or it is a correct act, which you clearly say in your op it is not.

    You didnt reply to my point. There are many places in halacha where “favorite food” is discussed. whether with kedima librachos, or which Shabbos meal to eat them etc etc… how do you explain this if not only is having a favorite food is so bad but even for children!

    As for your point here are some of dozens of posible replies:

    1) There are shitos that argue on the metzudos david

    2) That is a goal to strive towards for yechidim

    3) He means food shouldnt be the thrust of your life, but there is nothing wrong with the having a favorite food

    4) Even if food is eaten primarily to serve Hashem it is still allowed to taste good. Consider the mishna “pas bamelech tochal” Even if limited to bread salt can be added to enhance the flvor

    #1114163
    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    You’re being a little extreme.

    #1114164

    Rebyidd23: because it’s a mitzvah.

    Presumably, that’s a response to “If we wouldn’t eat food for

    reasons other than nourishment, we would eat the same food on Shabbos as during the week.” However, since a mitzvah is something

    other than [physical] nourishment, this is not a valid response.

    (Anyway, he knew that wasn’t what you meant.)

    I’ve been meaning to get back to this thread, but for the moment,

    Yitzchok Avinu asked Eisav for food that he enjoyed. I’m sure this

    is interpreted in different ways, but “ein mikro yotzei mi’pshuto.”

    (According to Rav Miller, this was in order to feel more gratitude

    to him so that he could give him his brocho with more feeling.)

    #1114165
    screwdriverdelight
    Participant

    ubiquitin, entitled means that one has a right and I never said people don’t have a right. I said what makes sense, what is proper, but never did I say they don’t have a right to do what they want.

    For your second point, you’re right, if a child would be faced with a choice of food and you say, “which is your favorite? Make a b’racha on that one.” And, naturally, you would ask the child what his favorite food is for each of the b’rachos. That is not at all the case. Many children are asked that question long before they know any hilchos b’rachos.

    The ramabam ???? ? ? writes”

    ???? ???? ?????? ??? ??? ????? ???? ???? ?? ??? ???? ??? ????. ????? ???? ????? ?????? ??? ????? ?? ????. ???? ????? ???? ?? ???? ????? ????? ???. ?? ???? ???? ????? ???? ???? ??? ???? ????? ???? ??? ????? ????? ????? ???? ??? ?????? ????? ?????? ??? ?????? ???. ??? ?????? ????? ?????? ?? ???? ???? ????? ????? ???? ??? ?????? ???? ?? ????? ????? ???? ????? ??? ????? ???? ?????? ??? ??????. ??? ???? ?? ??? ????? ????? ??? ?????? ???? ??????? ????. ????? ?? ???? ?? ????? ????? ???? ????? ??? ???? ????? ???????? ???? ?? ???? ?? ??????. ??? ???? ????? ????? ???? ??”? ??? ?????? ????. ???? ?? ???? ???? ?? ?? ???? ??? ??? ??? ??? ???? ???. ????? ???? ???? ??? ??? ???? ??? ???’. ????? ?? ??????? ??”? ???? ?? ????? ???? ????? ??? ????? ???? ??? ?????? ?????? ???. ????? ??? ???? ???? ????? ??? ?????? ?????

    The kesef mishna quotes his source from avos dr’ nasan, so I doubt you’ll find anyone who argues.

    What you said in 2), I didn’t say everyone is capable of reaching such a madreiga, but why do we go out of our way to train our children not to attain that level?

    What you said in 3), my objection is that in puts emphasis on eating foods which taste good. You wouldn’t ask a child “So, what gets you angry the most?” even though when anger is kept in check there’s nothing wrong with it (derech habeinoni).

    4) A) Yes, food is allowed to taste good. Read what I wrote above. B) The purpose of salt is for health, not to make the bread taste better.

    Comlink X, it was in response to his second post, Why do you care about chinuch?

    As to Yaakov and Eisav, as well as the fact that Halacha clearly takes good food into account, I’m not sure the onus is on me to explain that, given that the rambam I quoted makes this point, but anyway, I don’t think it’s much of a question. Hasheim did put flavor in food, for our benefit, people do enjoy good tasting food rather than bad tasting food, and it follows that when we make a b’racha, we make it on the food from which we receive the most pleasure. And, like you quoted from R’ Miller, Yitzchak wanted to feel more gratitude toward Eisav. But, after all said and done, it must be realized that the purpose of food is health and nourishment, and to teach a child otherwise is wrong.

    #1114166

    Comlink X, it was in response to his second post, Why do you care about chinuch?

    Oops. 🙂

    t must be realized that the purpose of food is health and nourishment, and to teach a child otherwise is wrong.

    Here’s a little story about R’ Matisyohu Salomon, who we

    can probably all agree knows a thing or two about chinuch.

    A man brought a child along on a visit to R’ Matisyohu.

    During the visit, he (or his Rebbetzin – I don’t remember,

    it doesn’t matter) offered the visitor’s child a lollipop.

    R’ Matisyohu urged the child (in Yiddish) to “Take the red one,

    the red one is good.” When the visitor asked about Eisov having

    requested “the red” food, he responded along the lines of (in Yiddish) “Children like the red – Eisav remained a child.”

    (I don’t remember who I heard the story from.)

    #1114167
    ubiquitin
    Participant

    SDD

    Entitled “give (someone) a legal right or a JUST CLAIM to receive or do something” (From Oxford dictionary, emphasis added

    But we arent really arguing that point. I misunderstood. apolagies

    Your response to my 4 points isnt neccesary either. I am not saying there isnt a valid approach to strive towards only eating to serve the borei olam.

    I am saying that not everybody is on that madreiga, and certainly not all children. Thus asking kids about their interests is completly appropriate and is actually excellent chinuch. Again depending on age and madreiga (of both involved).

    #1114168

    my favorite food is schnitzel

    my favorite color is blue

    my favorite sport is baseball

    my favorite pastime is reading this thread.

    its so weird!!

    #1114169
    screwdriverdelight
    Participant

    Ubiquitin, I’m well aware of the definition. Do you mind explaining where I suggested someone is not entitled?

    #1114170
    ubiquitin
    Participant

    SDD

    Its not worth arguing over, since I clearly misunderstood what you meant.

    entitled means (one definition) they have a “JUST CLAIM” to do something. Just claim means it is correct. In your OP you said these questions are not correct.

    Thats all.

    As you explained you did not mean “entitled” in the sense that it is a correct action but rather that they have the right to.

    That is fair. I am not arguing, I misunderstood.

    For example is someone “entitled” to speak lashan hara?

    No in the sense that as a yid it is not allowable nor just. but yes in the sense that it is not illegal so he has a legal right to.

    #1114171
    blubluh
    Participant

    Perhaps this could be seen as a teaching moment for a teacher.

    One approach might be exploring with the children to analyze *why* they prefer one item over another. It doesn’t much matter whether the object is food, color, music or even people, the methods we use in making our choices may be equally as sound, unsound or arbitrary.

    The teacher can then work with students to consider the benefits of overcoming one’s inclination in some cases and in deciding which situations merit a second look.

    #1114172
    squeak
    Participant

    The only thing I can say after reading the story about R’ Mattisyahu is if you ask a stupid question you deserve a stupid answer. I was present when a person asked one of the freierdige gedolai hador whether it is a bad thing to be called “zeide” by your grandchildren because we daven 3 times a day “v’hazeidim mihaira yikaraisu”. The Rov answered him with a straight face, demonstrating his gadlus and sensitivity, while I was doubled over in laughter, demonstrating why no one asks me stupid questions.

    #1114173

    What did he answer?

    In any case, my point was that R’ Matisyohu encouraged the child

    to take a particular food because it tasted better, which does

    not fit with an idea presented in this thread by a poster.

    There’s a story about Rav Eliyahu Dessler taking out a large sefer

    and looking into it before telling a woman that her fish, which

    was lacking a liver, was kosher (there is no halacha of a t’reifah

    regarding fish). He explained to a talmid who was standing by that

    if he did not treat every question with respect, people would

    hesitate to come to him with their questions.

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