June 29, 2011 2:47 pm at 2:47 pm #782267
I got married very young – although for the times (1965) it was fairly average. I was 20 years old and I had my daughter when I was 21. I often say that my daughter and I grew up together. Of course, in the 60’s we were groomed for marriage. Most of my contemporaries went on to university, but very few graduated. It was considered a pastime until the right guy came along. In todays far more complex world than the one that I was raised in, I think that a 19 or 20 year old has a lot of growing up to do. The fellows need even more growing up time. Although many are married very young, until they are about 25, they usually aren’t mature enough for the reponsibilities of a family. I am not even referring to education, but to social skills. Although many married men go out with a male friend periodically, young men need the opportunity to develop friendships with other men – to spend a Sunday afternoon at a ballgame, etc. This is how they develop social skills. Women usually develop these skills as teenagers but they still need to work on their “spiritual and emotional” skills (as binahyeseira said). When I look back upon my marriage (now divorced after a 40 year marriage), I realize that I did what was expected of me and that I was “in love with love” and not the man that I married.June 29, 2011 2:54 pm at 2:54 pm #782268
Tzvi -“are thinking would other people approve of my choice?”
This I believe is the main reason lots of people aren’t married. They listen to their family, friends, etc. They don’t think for themselves -what’s really important.June 29, 2011 2:58 pm at 2:58 pm #782269
shein -“It is a legitimate question as to why a person is not married yet, if he is older. He is obligated to get married.”
You forgot the other gender – It is a legitimate question as to why a person is not married yet, if she is older. She is obligated to get married!
There are two genders, not just “he”!June 29, 2011 3:13 pm at 3:13 pm #782270
Thanks for your post. You’re right.June 29, 2011 4:15 pm at 4:15 pm #782271
Health- “She is obligated to get married”
a girl has no mitzva of getting married, only the guys do!June 29, 2011 4:30 pm at 4:30 pm #782272
tracht gut – Where did you learn that from? In a yeshiva or Bais Yaakov?
My S’A says they have a Chiyuv to get married. Either one of two reasons and neither is because of Pru Oorevu!June 29, 2011 4:57 pm at 4:57 pm #782273
can you explain what other reasons?June 29, 2011 5:02 pm at 5:02 pm #782274
Ilove, skip the big-names and focus on friends and family. Reconnect with seminary friends. It just might be this kind of networking, with people who know YOU – not just your dress size and other chitzonius, is what you need. You deserve that.June 29, 2011 5:14 pm at 5:14 pm #782275
what about a guy who cant have children- does he also have a chivuy to get marrieD?June 29, 2011 5:29 pm at 5:29 pm #782276
as a shadchan and a mother of marriagable aged children I only have one thing to say..
no one wants to give into anything!
marriage is meeting each other at least half way.June 29, 2011 7:20 pm at 7:20 pm #782277
mom12- there are going to be things that I’m gonna have to give in to and i know that and I think we all do. until i’m perfect I cant expect to marry anyone perfect. the difference is that I dont think about it like you said “giving in” meaning I dont feel like i’m going to be cheated out of getting someone betterJune 30, 2011 3:20 am at 3:20 am #782279
TG – “can you explain what other reasons?”
That’s the job of your Yeshiva or BY. They get/got paid for that.June 30, 2011 7:15 pm at 7:15 pm #782280
And if they didnt?
Can u be so kind and educate me?June 30, 2011 7:30 pm at 7:30 pm #782281
i am confused. what are you discussing?June 30, 2011 8:22 pm at 8:22 pm #782282
every time i see this topic i am so bothered. what kind of question is this?????????? if you really want to know why the singles are not married, instead of asking why they THINK they are not married, why don’t you ask Hashem, Who KNOWS the answer and has a plan? ur better off getting your answer there, if you want the right answer. or you could just trust that He knows what He is doing, and you could daven that He help all of the singles and bring them their basherts. ppl should only ask themselves personally why they think they are still single, and should be looking to improve or grow in some way. it is in no way anyone else’s business and certainly not something worth starting a thread over!June 30, 2011 8:48 pm at 8:48 pm #782283
yummy- I agree with you 100%. Its funny because I opened this thread again to say that we should stop thinking we know why things like this happen and just do the right thing and thats it but you took the words out of my mouth (keyboard?)June 30, 2011 9:34 pm at 9:34 pm #782284
but no we do not want size 12 or 14 or 16..that just shows a lack of discipline and a lack of motivation and a total disregard for living a healthy life. “
So much to criticize here; so little time. Where to begin????
Lack of discipline? Lack of motivation? A total disregard for living a healthy life? Many young women who are not so slim. have incredible discipline. They are in every profession, they are wonderful wives and mothers, they are loving and outstanding baalos chessed. They have motivation all right, but maybe their body type does not allow them to be model slim. Maybe eating the same amount of food as others, results in weight gain for them. What should they do, fast until their body type meets your criteria? Do you think they want to be overweight? Mayeb for their height, size 12 or so is the NORMAL weight. Average IS size 12-14, I believe. Lucille Ball, whom no one would ever have called overweight, was a size 12 when she filmed I love Lucy.
Maybe you are too preoccupied with the number and not the total package. And I doubt very much that someone size 12-16 wants to live an unhealthful lifestyle. Not everyone has the time, money or wherewithal to exercise sufficiently to burn off enough calories to lose more weight. Some people are in school and work fulltime, and then busy with studying when they get home.
Whatever it is, we should not be judging people. Especially if we do not want to be judged in return, and found wanting.
Just for the record, girls who are more realistic sizes than the anorexic models our society seems to deem attractive, are often very generous-hearted people. They are motivated to try harder to be pleasant, appreciative, and nice. You are cutting yourself off from some potentially outstanding shidduchim, by looking at a dress size instead of the whole package. And skinny girls can also gain a LOT of weight after marriage and several children (and that should not matter, either, if you love your spouse).June 30, 2011 11:33 pm at 11:33 pm #782285
Along with all the other things that annoy me about the fat people discussion, here is a new one:
Don’t tell me what is average size for whose height and whose build.
It’s like Justice Stewart said about pornography; “I know it when I see it.”
Guys don’t ask a girl what her dress size is and then decide if she’s attractive. They go out with her and decide if they are attractive. One of the things which heavily influences their perception is weight.
(And I know maybe they ask beforehand. But that is just trying to get an idea of if it is a good idea. And it is certainly the best way to quantify weight.)June 30, 2011 11:50 pm at 11:50 pm #782286
Popa, many MOTHERS ask about dress size and decide the girl is too heavy if the number is two digits (or even too high in the single digit).That is just shtuss. A real mensch looks at the girl, the total girl. What is heavy to one, is curvy and attractive to another. It used to be that a girl who was size 2 would have been shlepped to a doctor to see why she was malnourished. It is all about how society encpurages people to perceive things. One of the MOST attractive girls I know, who is getting married very soon to a really adorable guy, is definitely not a skinny mini. She wears a two digit size dress, I am sure, but her vivacious personality, sweet and generous smile, bautiful eyes, and quick wit, are qualities that are so attractive that I doubt many guys ever looked at her and said, “Boy, am I gonna get that Shadchan!”
Guys (and girls, too) need to feel attraction to their dates. But the attraction should not be based solely on artificial standards that are in the end, quite meaningless.June 30, 2011 11:56 pm at 11:56 pm #782287
Because Hashem decided that it’s not the right time yet.
I am seriously concerned by the lack of bitachon in this thread.July 1, 2011 1:38 am at 1:38 am #782288
Dear Fedex! i feel for you, so brainwashed by society you are. I am not American and therefore and don’t buy anorexic is beautiful message, Boruch Hashem, but I am always shocked by people like you. If you are not married, it is not surprising, your lack of insight shows in your shallow attitudes toward women. My response is obviously limited by teh nature of this mixed public forum, but I can only tell you that men with a normal psyche and attitudes toward relationships with the opposite sex are not interested in an ironing board… Most women that are size 12 and 14 are completely normal size. Maybe sixteen is a little bit on the plumpier side but it really depends on the body type. As someone who is 12-14 and comfortable, I just want to cry for you. You are missing out on what is beautiful and healthy in life. Hashem gave us food to enjoy, not to be gourmet fressers constantly eating or “snacking” but also not to restrict (i know according to you it is self-control, discipline — only a real tzadekes can reach such a madrega, right?) Eating peas for lunch and a cracker for dinner so you don’t gain weight is due to exaggerated fear of rejection by society… etc. No normal woman can be happy that way. To enjoy a big piece of challah on Shabbos, to enjoy some kugel. True, there are clearly people that are naturally size 2 and I know some of them. They are very nice women and have great bubbly personalities and believe me they don’t deprive themselves… speaking of self-control, one of them eats all the time and talks about food all the time too… They are nice women and men that want their wives to look like pubescent boys will certainly find them attractive, but men that want women that resemble women may reject them… However, either way people are more than size and this obsession with weight and looks is not Jewish at allJuly 1, 2011 4:48 am at 4:48 am #782289
oomis and yiddeshemishpacha,
I LOVE YOU GUYS!!! thanx for all your words of chizzuk!!! and this is a little embarrassing, but you should just know that many times if im feeling down about my sitch, i’ll reread a “chizzuk response” 🙂 so thanx!July 1, 2011 2:00 pm at 2:00 pm #782290
fedex- are you married? if you are, I hope its to a board. I would not want any women to be stuck with you and your hashkafos.
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