Would You Marry A Divorcee? (If you were never previously married.)

No.

Kohain. 🙂

If she doesn’t have kids, and if it’s a scenario wherein which it’s clear the divorce wasn’t her fault, like if her ex was crazy/abusive… People often grow from these experiences, not get worse. I feel like a divorcee in these cases has a certain maturity and realistic expectations for a marriage that newly single people don’t. On the other hand, it’s nice to know ur on an equal learning curve as ur never-married spouse – experiencing marriage for the first time together with no previous benchmarks to match. But I’m not talking from any experience, this is all conjecture.

Given the statistical probability that many young couples are getting divorced, unfortunately it seems to be that there will be many such marriages being made (not with a kohein obviously). I would first want to know exactly why the first marriage broke up.

a common response seems to be: i would want to know why the divorce. i am not so sure that is so important. in almost every divorce the one side thinks the other side was a vildeh chaya (or the shvigger was). in almost all cases that is not really true. i think the reason for divorce – unless its something crazy like “she was arrested for running a meth lab” or something like that – does not really speak about the person all that much.

I am a male and no I would not marry a divorcee as it seems from the many I have met that they are quite scarred…

Sushee

Even if we wouldn’t, that should not influence your decision. Personally my opinion is that guys handle divorce better than girls so I do think a divorced guy will have less baggage than a divorced girl and is more marketable. However at the end of the day whatever you do make sure you look into it with a fine toothed comb because divorce can often mean that one or both of the parties is just not capable of having a healthy relationship with the opposite gender.

I think the reason ppl want to know the cause of the divorce is because many people come from a family where divorce is taboo, and it’s not really an option except in extenuating circumstances like abuse, underground meth labs, etc. Therefore if the potential shidduch divorced bc of less severe circumstances it’s a sign that they don’t view divorce with as much gravity, and that’s a big factor which can make or break the deal.

A person contemplating marrying a divorce(e) has every right to know what happened (and to find out from BOTH sides, if possible), just as one has the right to know why an engagement broke up. There could be “insignificant” issues, i.e. she is not the best cook, he doesn’t like to go out much (not really insignificant, but compared to really serious things it surely is not something we would think of as a deal-breaker)or it could be something along the lines of someone having a mental or physical health issue which was deliberately not disclosed prior to the wedding, or perhaps the in-laws are excessively interfering. These are things the person has every right to research.

Why is the Halacha that a Kohen cannot marry a gerusha (female divorcee)?

Obviously, being a gerusha is considered a mum (defect). Therefore a Kohen (who are on an elevated level) cannot marry one. And the mum isn’t the simple fact that she was already married, as the Halacha allows a Kohen to marry an almana (widow). The mum is her being a divorcee.

[The above issue does not apply to a man who divorced his wife. He has no inherent restrictions on whom he can later marry. And he has no special status in Halacha any different than a never-married man.]

I would not marry a divorcee if I was single. Too risky. You’ll never get the whole story. (However there can be an exception to this in extraordinary circumstances).

oomis, but how do you find out the details of the divorce, each side has a different story, the guy thinks he is right and the girl thinks she is right! What questions can someone ask to find out the truth?

It would be a great mitzvah for the ex-husband to remarry his ex-wife – if it is feasible (and he isn’t a kohen and she did not remarry in the interim).

This was a CR thread: Mitzvah to Remarry Your Ex-Wife.

The Jerusalem Talmud Ketubot 11:3 learns this from Isaiah 58:7, where the prophet exhorts the Jew not to “hide from your flesh,” i.e. to look out for our relatives. Rabbi Yaakov says in the name of Rabbi Eleazar that this applies even to one’s ex-wife.

While the Talmud does not explicitly say that the way one takes care of his ex-wife is by remarrying her, many later halachic authorities understand the Talmud to be saying that it is a mitzvah to remarry one’s ex-wife.

See Sha’alot U’teshuvot Tashbetz 3:9; Sha’alot U’teshuvot Avnei Sha’ish 1:42; and Sefer Hachinuch Mitzva 580.

But don’t look for such mitzvos of divorcing your wife just to remarry her.

chassidishY.U.type -“I would not marry a divorcee if I was single.”

I can understand this.

“Too risky. You’ll never get the whole story.”

Yes, it’s risky, but so is going into any marriage.

By even some regular people, you don’t always get the whole story. A lot of people, even non-previous married, don’t give out the whole truth and are deceptive.

I, as a divorced guy would tell my date the whole truth, but not necessarily on the first few dates.

You know how people research shidduchim to death? Well when the shidduch is with someone who was previously married and divorced, that research actually makes more sense. Surely people in the community and family members on both sides can offer some insight. Former friends of the couple from his and her side can be approached. I am not saying it is easy, but asking the person directly (after a couple of dates) is not out of order.

Oomis – I would presume somebody who gets divorced over trivial reasons is far riskier to marry than someone who divorces over a reason that’s serious. There are never any guarantees, but it appears to me a sign of a lack of commitment or of immature expectations of marriage if someone divorces for silly reasons. Of course I mean when the “serious reason” was not effected by the person in question, but by the ex-spouse.

would presume somebody who gets divorced over trivial reasons is far riskier to marry than someone who divorces over a reason that’s serious”

I don’t necessarily disagree with you. it may be, however, ther easons are “trivial” because the couple is still too immature to get married, a phenomenon which we see more and more, as couples who are not independent are getting married too young, and really are only playing at marriage. They are for whatever reason not ready for the real challenges of married life. And my generation has done that to many of them, by fostering a co-dependency on the parents. Serious reasons do not often manifest themselves until the couple has really gotten to know each other. That often does not happen until after marriage nowadays.