The Reality of the Process
The process of dating—particularly within the yeshiva community—is often more complex and challenging than it appears. It can be emotionally draining and discouraging, with years passing in the hope that the next person will finally be “the one.” Chazal teach that a man alone is incomplete and a woman alone is incomplete; only when united do they achieve true wholeness (Malbim, Bereishis 2:24).
The Pursuit of the “10”
It is natural that young men and women approach shidduchim seeking the “perfect match”—a 10. However, this mindset may need reconsideration. How many remain single—not because they never met a “10,” but because they met multiple “7s” and kept searching for something more perfect? These individuals may not have been flawless—but they may have been people with whom a meaningful, stable, and fulfilling Torah home could have been built.
What Creates a Great Marriage
Chazal teaches that when a husband and wife are worthy, the Shechinah rests between them (Sotah 17). When a couple invests effort, grows together, and builds with commitment, the greatness of their marriage is not something they find—it is something they create.
A simple mashal illustrates this point: A person searches endlessly for the “perfect home,” rejecting one for being too small and another for needing work. Years pass, and he remains without a home. Meanwhile, others buy imperfect homes and, through effort and care, turn them into something warm and beautiful. Marriage is no different.
The Deeper Truth
Over time, a deeper truth emerges: no marriage begins as a perfect 10. Every marriage requires work, growth, and ongoing effort. Successful couples understand this—they don’t begin with perfection; they build it.
The Simple Truth Behind Shidduchim
Don’t waste your life chasing an elusive 10—recognize a solid 7, and have the wisdom, patience, and commitment to build it into a 10.
May Hashem grant all older singles clarity and siyata d’Shmaya to find their shidduchim soon and build a bayis ne’eman b’Yisrael
May singles aim not just to find their ‘10,’ but to build it.”
A yid trying to make a difference.
The views expressed in this letter are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of YWN. Have an opinion you would like to share? Send it to us for review.
(YWN World Headquarters – NYC)
8 Responses
Old issue at hand, nothing new unfortunately.
People will happily go through prospects/shidduchim like water for them not being a 10 as you put it, but they forget that that they neither are a 10, NO ONE alive in this world is, if you would be a 10, that would mean you have reached the status of perfect and Hashem would return you to the perfect world in that case.
The only ones that are perfect and still alive are our Gedolim that are kept alive for the sole reason of leading us, even though they may have already reached their personal 10.
People need to stop being such ba’alei Ga’ava, thinking that they are perfect and deserve everything, just because their parent has money, they learned in Brisk or whatever silly reason, as the joke goes, Bachurim used to go to Brisk for Kodshim, now they go for Nashim….
In my opinion, this solution will probably lead to more marriages, but also more divorces.
Very true.
When this model can be applied in schools and Yeshivos, then it will apply in shidduchim as well. But when only “Metzuyanim ie. 10’s” get into certain Mesivtas and Seminaries, what message is the education system implanting in the hearts and minds of these impressionable teenagers? Food for thought.
10 out of 10 on the mark! Singles and parents need to give a degree of Bitochen in HASHEM. If you the shidduchim parsha in the right way and with the right intention HASHEM will guide you to the right one for YOU.
Who are you to decide what is the “perfect” match for you or your child?
I reread this post several times, and I struggle to find the point. No one knows their spouse before marriage. And then some. Marrying young, when there are huge transitions coming, makes things less predictable. Men and women do not think alike, and decades of happy marriage don’t fix that. Getting married is a risk. Good role models, good midos, and good preparation go a long way in ensuring success and happiness in marriage. Yet, our community has never abandoned the myths about shidduchim, and priorities are nearly upside down. Money talks, kavod entices, promises and commitments fail to materialize, and dreams remain fantasies. But we push our kids into situations that cannot succeed, and those shidduchim are to please us, not launch the bayis ne’emon beYisroel.
There are no real formulas, except to bring the bas kol into reality. If we seek to implement the Ratzon Hashem, accompanied by the requisite tefillos, we have the best formula possible.
@The little seems to be quite a lot you know…
One of the best pieces of advice that I heard regarding what to look for is to ensure that the person you’re looking for is looking for you as well.
With that mindset you should be able to find 100% of what you’re looking for. Even if both of you aren’t a 10 out of 10 you can still be perfect for each other.
No one deserves to marry someone who says “you’re not what I’m looking for but since you’re 70% of what I’m looking for I’ll settle for you and make the best of it”.